Carved

The depth of the canyon, can only be achieved by the raging cutting waters of the river...

The Gut-Wrenching Honesty of Others

Somehow vulnerability and total honesty, especially those who are in pain, taps into something deep inside of me.  Suddenly I'm welled up with love...  And feelings of love for others, I don't think that's my default setting...  A chord must be struck... I have to be touched, moved...

Touching Words

Her words strike deep chords within me,
And play the most sonorous of songs
Melodies to soothe this weary soul

The Glow

I am drawn to you
I want to bask in you
Your presence I wish I could deeply indulge in
Yet I'm afraid
I'm afraid to experience, then possibly lose
I'm afraid to be kicked out of Eden
To experience the loss of pure bliss

If Love is The Most Valuable Thing

If love is truly the most valuable thing, then those with the ability to love and be loved are inherently valuable.

Whether it's allowing an outlet for another to love, or to love itself, Both of these seem quite valuable.

The Hidden Offensive Nature of Defensiveness

Too often I get into defensive modes.  I forget the not-so-nice nature of defensiveness.  When we become defensive we actually go on offense.  So often we become the monsters we believe others to be.  We point accusing fingers at people...

So often we condemn people to crimes they might not even have committed by our mere reaction...  The act of feeling threatened is an accusation...  Sure it's often warranted when we're in physical danger.  But threats of the psychological variety are often pre-judgments on others of a not-so-nice nature.

When I point my finger at others, three fingers point back at me...

Too Much Self-Concern

My default setting if I don't hear back from someone is "What did I do wrong?"  I had a painful "Aha!" moment, where I realize my sole focus on myself leads me to potential blindness and selfishness.

Another possibility is that something might have happened to the person I don't hear back from.  Instead of wondering if the person is okay, I only think about myself...  I need to remind myself to also focus on others...

Suffocating in a Blanket of Loneliness

What at first seems to sooth and to comfort
Begins to suffocate and deprive
Deprive me of what my soul needs
Connection...

Is the Glass Half-Empty or Half-Full?

From my perspective the glass is completely full.  To deny the existence of air is quite silly.  Just like denying the existence of  things we don't particularly like in life is silly.  Sure things that we label as "positive" are going to happen, and fill our lives.  But life as a whole is filled with both positive and negative.  The whole gamut of experience creates the big picture.

The cup is open.  Pour some water in, pour some water out.  The glass is always full.

Somnambulist

At what point does one really know if he or she awake?  How do we know when we're truly living?

Neediness

It's the holidays, and I feel needy!  The irony is that neediness makes me want to barf.  So I guess I'll be making myself barf this season!  I enjoy my alone time, but sometimes I have an intense desire to really connect deeply with someone.  I get to the point where I start feeling really lonely.  I guess I'm still human after all.  Deep down I'm still a social animal, even though I tend to not socialize much.

One thing about the holidays, it seems to amplify experience.  When things are wonderful, things can feel extra wonderful.  When things take on a more negative vibe, it feels like the negative vibe is really brought to one's attention.

The Punishing Me

I can be withholding...  I hold back giving more of myself...  And I know it's a horrible thing to do, to give less of myself...

Shattered Moons

Do INFPs often exist like the Rings of Saturn?  Forever transformed, but still with form...  A continued need to be pulled in by the gravitational pull of something Bigger... Or forever be lost...

The Image of The Flame

A wild orange flame, scattered all over
Or an intense blue flame, hot and concentrated?

Purgatory Soul

I was reading a post on facebook about "Soul Age."
I feel like I'm both a baby and an old person...
So I'd label myself a Purgatory Soul...
One who is between an unborn baby and an old person who has just passed...
I am paradox in regards to my mind's operation...  Polar ends...

Kraken Tears

While in the depths
The ocean gets a little deeper
Every time I cry
No one notices

Krakenator...

(A response on facebook I felt like cutting and pasting in order to preserve.  I know I've discussed these ideas with a fellow kraken before)

Swim to the depths of the ocean floor, many leagues under the sea, where the kraken reside... And if we can't find what we're looking for, burrow deeper into the Earth's crust... with hopes of encountering the core... Find out what burns within... while having courage to get burned oneself... (While secretly hoping to find fellow kraken while down in the depths...)

Eras and Lessons

I wonder if each time period in history is actually supposed to be an opportunity for humans as a whole to learn some sort of lesson...  It seems like every time period has its own set of challenges, while maintaining common universal challenges that seem more timeless...  Some of the wisdom and teaching that applied many many years ago still holds true today...

Fuel

If one had the courage to give oneself fully to the fire, even if it meant getting burned, would that give more fuel to the fire?  And would the fire lend its strength to the individual as well?  By melding, would the fire and the individual become more than the sum of their parts?

Loco-Motion

As a locomotive, how fast can I go, before flying off the tracks?  How hot can I make the fires burn?  Will the internal pressure be too much?

Abandon

With reckless abandon, be willing to be abandoned...  Say the things that make others uncomfortable...  Say the things that make ourselves uncomfortable...  If it's for the benefit of the whole, then abandonment is worth it...  This discomfort, the stirring within is worth it...  Rage, rant, roar!!!

Thanks"giving"

*Sigh*  I question the tradition of Thanks"giving."  We call it giving, yet our food choices often show selfish taking...  The taking of lives many of us don't really need to take.  And the way we treat the lives of the animals taken is far from being giving.  If there's anything we're giving, it's suffering.  "Thanks for giving me a life of torture and suffering," the animals would echo sarcastically...

Are You Serious?

My current thinking is that I'd like to focus on being serious and calm, and without an attitude of punishment...  with a smidgeon of light-heartedness for balance...

Deep down my nature is to be quite serious...  So I can't forget that...  I can't deny that part of myself...

Realist?

I'm a realist when it comes to my inner world, trying to be as authentic as possible... But when it comes to the Outer World of reality, I find I'm in denial...

Alarm

So how does one become a gentle alarm clock?  To be like the warm golden sun of the morning...

The Blips on Our Consciences

So often I wonder what creates a shift in our consciences.  What makes behaving in one way okay, and behaving in another not okay?  Over time my own conscience shifted, creating the vegetarian behavior I now engage in today.

We hold our own lives so valuable and dear.  We grasp so tightly to hold on to and defend our own lives.  Yet when it comes to the lives of other beings, we so easily take their lives without even a passing thought towards the plight of those beings.  Not even a blip on the radar of our conscience to direct us in changing our course of behavior.

I really don't understand what created a shift in my own conscience.  And I don't understand why others do not feel what I feel.  Are our brains really all that different?

In my own circle, so often I feel alone in my thinking.  How come it seems like people don't care?

Seeker of Beauty

Part of me feels like this is when I'm at my best...  When I'm able to see the beauty that exists within all things...  When I can see the underlying stories...  When I can see struggle and triumph...  When I can see depth...  When I can see truth...  When I can see potential for flourishing...

At my best I continue to attempt to uncover what is beautiful...  When I stop applying this to most everything and everyone I encounter I believe my soul suffers...  Well, of course there's also beauty in suffering...

Reflective, pensive, penetrating, seeking...  And it has to be my own quest...

Reframing Foibles

Lately I've been battling with some of my foibles, or what I believe to be foibles.  I've been thinking about the purpose of having such foibles, or the benefits.

I used to be a far more disciplined person than I am now.  I used to have more fire to drive me through what I was trying to do.  Now I find it very difficult to maintain a healthy diet and exercise routine.  The only benefit I can see with being undisciplined is the ability to understand how difficult it is for people to create and sustain desired changes in their lives.  Often times impulse wins out.  I recall being so judgmental of impulsive people when I was in my undergraduate studies.  I viewed impulsive people, or people addicted to substances like smoking as weak.  Ironically, now I'm the person I viewed as weak.  I easily give into impulse, and the desire to relieve discomfort, or the desire for pleasure in the form of being lazy or eating that delicious but not nutritious dessert.

I have a feeling that person that I was still exists within me, and my judgment is being shifted onto myself.  In yin and yang-like fashion, I now know what it feels like to be on both sides.

Another so called foible is that I've become very prone to bouts of sadness.  So many things can easily made me sad.  Thinking too much about my life, or lack of life (mmm, self judgment), can cause me to spiral down easily.  Also thinking about people's treatment of other sentient beings can send me into sadness.  I know if I drown into too much sadness I can't think as well, and overall I can't function as well.  Though the right amount of sadness drives me into action, attempting to do my part in the world. So there is a benefit to sadness, so long as it's not overly indulged in, or it's not too deep it seems.  A deep knowing of emotions firsthand also lends to a deeper understanding of what it's like for others who also suffer.  A willing raw heart is an open heart that can offer understanding.  A willing raw heart is also a courageous heart, one willing to go through the storms.

So I guess overall, foibles can be viewed as tools of empathy, since all of us are all-too-human.  Though somehow we have to makes friends with our foibles without indulging in our foibles too much when possible.

Who Am I???

I often question who I am, trying to monitor patterns in behavior that exist within me.  I seem to go through different phases of being.  There exists this fun-loving, and somewhat creative person that gets excited when it comes to exploring ideas and novel things/patterns/connections.  Novelty is recharging. There also exists a person who is fearful, and can get stuck in routine and the familiar.  Though having a grandma who super emphasizes putting together time and routine, I'm reminded how much I don't like too much routine...  Just the right amount.  I feel a bit dead when I'm caught up in total routine.

Then there exists a person who is quite reflective when given enough time to think.  This person explores and feels the gamut of emotions, and what it's like being human.  There also exists a person who when too busy to think, becomes more or less an automaton.  In the automaton state I'm too busy to deeply feel my emotions, which in a way is nice.  I'm less prone to feeling really crappy states of emotion, but yet it's also a dead way of being for me.  It's not satisfying.  Sometimes I feel I'd rather be able to feel completely.  Though I know, so often I lack courage to constantly truly feel what's going on inside of me.  So I guess staying busy, especially physically is a good way to temper any flooded emotions.

There also exists this person, who for a good period of my early adult life, operates in an All-or-Nothing hardcore fashion.  I set my mind on something, and become passionately obsessed with living out whatever I'm trying to do.  It could involve playing tennis, it could involve adhering to a healthy vegetarian diet, it could involve a number of things to be obsessive about.  Though the hardcore person that I once was seems much more difficult to access now than before.

Currently I want to access the hardcore person within me, but without the hard edge that came with it.  I used to have a chip on my shoulder with something to prove to people in regards to the causes I firmly believe in.  I'm unsure if my ability to be hardcore has been tempered by my dislike of being edgy, or if it has something to do with being discouraged (becoming apathetic), or if it's a shift in my patterns of being internally, or if it's some combination of factors.

Where has the crazy hardcore person within gone?  All-or-Nothing is where I often lived, but now I'm caught in some type of purgatory.  Who am I supposed to become?  Someone who exists somewhere in between?  What's the most satisfying way of being for myself?  In the ebb and flow of patterns of behavior that reflect our personalities, I feel like I'm mourning something that may not exist within me anymore.  Are you still there?  Or are you latent, hibernating until the right moment comes along...

Who am I at this given moment?

"I don't work. I don't have a real job."

I've heard the terms "work" and "job" used both synonymously, as well as having slightly different meanings...

It's been a major source of shame for me in my adult life to "not be working," at least in the common way we tend to view what work is.  I stumbled across a shared comic strip reminding me that our true work is the effort put out by the soul...

So what if during this time of "non-work" I've actually been accumulating wealth, but of the spiritual variety by doing the work of the soul?  If I'm honest with myself, asking myself "What's worth it?", I will answer that the work of the soul is most worth it.  The stuff that fulfills us on a deeper level than merely existing, doing things that don't fill us up inside.  One can have all the material goods in the world, yet be very empty and broke on the inside.

There are some activities which make me no money, but I can't help but do those activities.  The currency I'm working with is inner-satisfaction.  My carrot-on-the-stick exists on the inside, a fact I must truly accept if I'm to be more fulfilled.

I may not be working doing a real job, but reflecting back, and looking at what I currently love to do, I in fact do work, but it's from a different place than mere survival.

Now I wonder if my inner shame makes sense.  To sell one's soul so one can answer the question of "What do you do?" without embarrassment, is it worth it?  Is it even worth being embarrassed about, not working in the normal sense of the word?

Lately my sense of Self-Worth has taken major hits.  I feel unattractive.  I feel like someone unworthy of companionship.  Yet I long to bond deeply with others, while at the same time keeping distance do to fears of rejection and fears of abandonment.  My fears fulfill the prophecy of feared separation.

Now I ponder, "What is the real meaning of work?"  And if I can't accept my current self for "What I do", when will I ever accept myself?  When will my aggression towards myself end?  When will I no longer be ashamed of myself?  And is the meaning of life really to merely survive like animals, where our only concerns are concerns of survival?  Sustenance in the form of food, shelter in the form of a roof over our heads, and sex which can lead to reproduction, in the guise of romance...  

So what's the real difference between surviving and thriving?  Is it the difference between work as we commonly know it versus doing Inner-work?

If only I could wake up and see the answers to my questions...  One day I wish to wake up with a good sense of Self-Worth...  To be relieved of guilt and shamed for not doing what's expected...  I'm hoping one day that day will come...  Until then I just have to keep swimming, trying to survive the ebb and flow of changing tides and currents and conditions.  There are too many times I think of jumping off of the roller coaster.  I pray for continued courage and strength...

Why I used to like playing basketball...

I think it's interesting we can like engaging in various activities for very different reasons.  Playing basketball for me was an exercise in concentration more than anything.  It really wasn't about the competition, it was about an attempt to reach a more meditative state, being present in each action.

Lately I have trouble motivating myself to exercise, to work out.  Perhaps if I treat it as an exercise in concentration, I will be able to find the means to get moving again.  I feel I suffer from a split mind... A will that wants to be totally free, and a will that wishes for direction.  If I can find enjoyment in conscientious effort, then perhaps I'll be able to direct my will better...

Courage to Feel

*sigh*  Currently I lack courage to really feel my feelings.  I feel like I'm losing a friend, which causes a chain reaction where there is distance created with anyone connected to said person.  It hurts and I want to run and hide...  But I know there's something to be learned, to be gained from sitting still.  Where does one gather strength to fully feel the rawness?  I'm not very good when it comes to coping with any kind of loss...

Twigs & Twine

Gasping for breaths
That cannot be grasped
Chained to a tree of mere existence
To break free as an elephant can
But fear of what's beyond the fetters

Tangled in a web of lies
Told by the undercurrents of the mind
Windows closing until cocooned
A tomb?  Or a chrysalis?

With each repeated utterance
One begins to believe
Grooves dig in deeper
Self-prophesized manifestations of the mind
Creating a tunnel of light
Or if lucky, creating a tunnel into the dark...

Space

Sigh... I'm so selfish with my space sometimes.  I don't like the feeling of someone tethered to me...  I want my private time, and when it's invaded by uninvited company, I act out passive-aggressively, trying to avoid the person, shutting them out by ignoring that person...  I'm a bit of an a-hole in that way.

And when said tethered person is trying to control me into doing their will, I rebel and act out, being controlled in a different way, since I react.  I'm a slave to my knee-jerk reaction...

I don't know how to be nice in situations where I really want to be left alone...

Reset Button

It feels like traveling creates a kind of reset button...  Brand new schedule...  Brand new place...  Brand new people...  Everything is novel and new...  Everything is fresh...  A new perspective is gained...  The world is such a big place, way beyond the confines of my usually small space...

I can see the appeal of travel, of getting away.  When everything is new, it's difficult not to be in the present moment.  The oncoming influx of input makes it difficult to over-think past or future.

When in need of a Reset Button, go to the novel places... Physically, mentally, and emotionally...  Explore beyond the confines of comfort.

The Leap

So I took the plunge, and hit a wall...  Such is life...  At least I gave it a shot instead of wussing out like usual...  For that, I'm proud of myself...

Give up?

Too often I give up before I truly try...  I out think myself before I even give myself a chance to leap...  How does one get out of our comfort zones, the way so many Motivational Posters speak of?  Fear still gets the best of me...

Invisible Demands

What are some of the hidden demands we place upon others, but we ourselves are guilty of not fulfilling that demand?  How do we uncover our invisible demands?

Sighs Revisited

Those moments of Deep Sighs of appreciation... 
Where we have to pinch ourselves in amazement... 
Awed by the presence of a beloved..

Edge

With toes along the edge of the precipice
An edge slowly withering, eroding away
Staring down to a place where there's no coming back
Do I take a deep breath and dare?
Or do I fall back and run away?
The ocean is filled with love...

Gravity and Levity

What would life be like if I couldn't balance Gravity with Levity?  I assume this is a Yin and Yang-like relationship...  Though when I'm not well, I find Levity very hard to come by...

Authentic "I don't care"?

How can I tell when I'm being truly authentic when I say "I don't care?"  Sometimes I truly don't care if I don't view something as important to me.  It leaves room for me to care more about things I care for deeply.  But sometimes I know "I don't care" is really a defense mechanism for things I probably care too much about.

How on earth can I tell when "I don't care" is authentic and real?  Blah!  I don't care!  :)  (Actually, I do.)

Paradox of Space and Aloneness

In me there seems to exist a weird paradox...  Moments when I feel very alone on the inside...  like moments when I've feel hurt, or perhaps rejected...  moments where I'm upset...  I want physical space. I don't want anyone near me.  I just want to be alone to process without interruption...

Yet during these times of withdrawal, I also feel a deep disconnect within.  It's as if truthfully, I really want to feel connected...  especially on a deep intimate level...  but for whatever reason I'm unable to connect.

I've been wanting space from people lately...  Going as far as locking myself in my room...  Yet simultaneously I long for feelings of oneness...

Self-Healing

Sometimes I forget the things that bring joy into my life, and make me feel better when I'm not well emotionally...  Today I sang and sounded horrible...  Yet the act of singing felt so good... Like a massage for the heart...


I don't like the sound of my voice... But I love the way it feels to sing...  I'm thankful that I'm able to feel this joy right now...

Source of Shadow?

An object with bright enough light cast upon it, will create shadow.  What does this mean for growth?

Hope?

What if there really is wisdom in giving up hope like some buddhist teachings teach...  Giving up the idea of something that does not coincide with the present moment...

Lately I've been going through a rough patch I believe is linked to the idea of Hope and Grasping what isn't.  I've been feeling quite lonely in the romantic sense... missing the feeling of intimacy with someone special...  missing the high that overtakes us when deeply in love.  I miss feeling connected to someone in that way.

I have this terrible idea floating in my head...  "What if I've already experienced my most blissful days and moments?"  Seriously, what if those days are actually as good as it will ever get in my life...  Hitting a peak so soon, and to never be able to experience it again.

I feel lonely as hell right now.  I actually do feel it's wise to say "F#$(# It!", letting go of hope of what once was, and what will be.  The act of Wishing seems to be quite painful.  Deep down I'm still starving...  Starving for something that doesn't exist in this present moment.

Instead of hoping, maybe it is wiser to use my energy to more fully feel, rather than escape into fantasies that are way beyond this current reality.

True Openness, Where are you?  Is fear closing my eyes?

Sometimes I feel it's better to have never tasted...  That way I would never know what I'm missing...  That way I wouldn't hope for things that once were...

What are We Actually Rejecting?

It is my belief, that sometimes when we reject an aspect of another person, we're actually rejecting a part of ourselves.  We are all human, and we share the same emotional makeup.  Some of us are better at hiding certain parts of ourselves than others.  I think my anger is deeply hidden, but I allow myself to see sadness.

For myself, I believe that if I can allow myself to feel my anger more fully, then I can allow the same for others as well.  In a sense I can truly be more accepting and loving of both self and others.  How to reach such levels of self-acceptance?  LOL.  I'm unsure at the moment...

Inner Control Freak

Sometimes I wish I had an On and Off switch that exists inside of me...  I'm so ambivalent about feelings of physical or romantic attraction...  At times it feels wonderful and exciting that I can actually feel something for someone...   At other times I wish I could turn it off...  If only I had some type of modulating dimmer switch of some sort...  I'd be able to adjust what I feel to just the right intensity...

Shadow and Hurt

I think I just realized something...  I think my anger is buried so deep I can't really feel it unless I'm really triggered.  When I get hurt I feel mostly sadness, but I act out in a passive-aggressive manner.  There must be deeper anger that I'm not allowing myself to feel.

Perhaps the times I feel hurt and sad, I should seek out the anger that's probably buried deep within so I can snap out of my state sooner.

Inner World versus Outer World

I constantly monitor my Inner World, but at a price...
I lose track of my Outer World...
It's quite lovely...

Inner Journey

I find myself consistently trying to discern what matters, and what doesn't matter...  Some parts fall away...  Some parts grow...  The ship runs afoul, and there's a need for change...  Or I'll see something I wasn't aware of before, something that needed to be addressed...  I die, and I'm reborn in a cyclical manner...

Taking Offense

Any time I take offense to some action or deed, I must remember that I'm fully capable of such action.  It's a part of me I haven't made friends with yet...  An area that must be addressed.  Strong reactions often show us something about ourselves that we don't like.  A strong reaction is a mirror for self-understanding.

Learning, Growth, and Punishment

When a baby learns to crawl, to walk, to talk...
Did the baby ever need Punishment in order to learn these things?
Is there way to learn to trust in the inner spirit to guide us towards Growth?

Blame and Gentleness

The more we Blame, whether towards ourselves, or towards others...
The more we lose our Gentleness...
A pointed finger is like a laser beam, with the ability to sear...

A Way to Hurt Me Deeply...

Accuse me of totally not caring and totally not understanding, when the complete opposite is true.  I don't know why it hurts so bad to be accused of not caring when I actually care very very deeply...

Influence

My dirty little secret...  It's my dream to have more power to influence others, hopefully for the better.  I often contemplate how people influence others...  Supposedly the deepest forms of influence occur when we allow ourselves to be influenced by others...  I guess without a bond, it's difficult to influence on a deep level.  And influence by brute force often drives people away, instead of bringing them closer...

Can the idealist in me ever be quelled?

L's

Loneliness, Longing, Loss, Love, Laughter, Light...

Relaxed Practice & No Big Deal

I know there exists a state that allows us to flow joyfully when engaging in an activity...  It's a kind of relaxed, yet focused state free of self-punishment...  The only correction is to keep concentrating on the task itself, and to have faith that the efforts put in will get us to where we want to go...  If we go off course, it's No Big Deal...  We gently come back to the path we were on...

On rare occasion I've felt this state while playing tennis...  By not being so serious and self-punishing, energy is freed up to concentrate on the task at hand...  There's a joyful flow to the process...

I'm wondering how on earth I can apply such ways of being, to more areas of my life...  Punishment, while it seems fruitful at first, with a nice kick in the ass... it removes the potential joy that can be had, and in the long run punishment can be quite paralyzing, creating the exact opposite of what was originally desired...

How can I let go of my punishing ways?  How can I lighten up and laugh at the absurdity of it all?  There is joy in the process...  How do I get there more often?

What Photography Teaches...

I'm sure I've written about his before...  But what I like about photography is seeking beauty that exists, but is not readily apparent all of the time...  There's a constant exploration involved.

It seems when I truly keep my eyes open, I can find something in the outer world.  What's kind of sad though, I have difficulty applying such open eyes towards myself.  So often I'm overwhelmed with feelings of self-loathing.  I become blind to the good qualities that exist in myself.  I'm unable to see beauty within.

When I go through dark phases, I'm not really sure what the answer is regarding how to escape.  It seems like seeking itself is the answer, along with lots of patience.  Lately I'm stuck in a dark phase, and I can't seem to get out.  Part of me feels like I almost don't want to get out, which is quite confusing.

I don't think I'll figure out any answers any time soon.  I guess I'll try to keep the lesson of photography in mind.  Within darkness make an effort to find beauty...  Within what we may view as ugly, keep making an effort...  *Sigh*  And maybe one day I'll be able to see myself through different eyes...  Though strangely I'm almost scared to be able to see in that way...  And I have no idea why...

How To Kill Empathy?

Fear...
Ignorance...

Fear of truly feeling pain...
Whether one's own pain...
Or the pain of another...

Ignorance towards the inner life of another...
An ignorance that creates something that resembles indifference...
Our blindness sometimes unwittingly creates suffering both to ourselves and others...
We lose our sense of connection to our inner selves, and the inner selves of others...

I Want to Be Okay with NOT Being Happy

If I don't feel happy, then it's fine...
If I feel happy at the moment, then it's fine too...

I want the freedom to be as I am in any given moment.

Strangely, allowing myself to feel my unhappiness...  I start to feel lighter...  I start to feel better...

Letting Myself Feel without Shame

Deep down inside I think I feel shame...  Shame that my heart is so slow to change...  Shame that time doesn't heal as quickly as they say times is supposed to...  There exists both rawness and tenderness I'm ashamed of...  According to some made up rules in my mind, I'm no longer supposed to love...  I'm no longer supposed to hurt...  I betray my own feelings of betrayal...  I try to ignore what I feel to be true inside of me...

Lately I'm overwhelmed...  I miss the bliss I once had in my life, however fleeting that bliss was...  I miss the drug, the feeling of melting with another...  I feel trapped in my self-created dungeon...  I don't know where these feelings are coming from.  I thought I had already dealt with what exists in me...

My body won't let me lie.  I keep trying to run but to no avail...  I have trouble accepting this reality...  To taste sweetness, then to have it taken away...  What lessons am I supposed to learn?  I feel so weak and helpless right now, the way I felt when wounds were fresh.

I feel hurt that's been buried inside...  I also feel ripe, wishing for a way to cover up the hurt.  I can't lie to myself...  I miss the sweetness...

So how do I give myself the freedom to feel what's inside without feeling shame?  How do I become more free with my emotions overall so that feelings don't continue to get buried or bottled up inside?  So often I'm embarrassed by the feelings I feel...  How can I find "okay-ness"?

Who Do We Love?

In an ideal world, I would learn to love those who are often deemed unlovable...  I believe this is related to the idea that deep down inside I often feel unlovable...  What I wish I could give to myself, or feel from others, I hope I can give to others.

For some reason I find it easier to love others more than myself...  Perhaps that's what it's like being a big-time self-judger...

Soul Blindness

When do eyes become blind?
When do we stop seeing the souls of others?

I Both Love Myself and Hate Myself...

There's this mixed duality that exists within me...  The parts I love about myself relate to my idealism and my values...  Yet there's another part of myself that experiences self-loathing, self-hate...

I'm unaware when these dualities came into existence.  When did I start loving myself?  When did I start hating myself?  Did this existence happen due to the conditions I've created?  Do I only love myself because of certain things I do?  And by not doing other things, I come to hate myself?

How do I reach a point of loving "Just Because," loving without condition?  Sometimes I feel I am there...  Other times, not so much...  Conditions seem to create some strange duality.  "This is good."  "This is bad."  Is there a way to see from a more detached point of view? Every state of being is like potential energy, able to drive us towards a certain way of being.

I know suffering can be a source of growth.  Suffering can be transmuted into something beautiful in the form of deep empathy and compassion.  Being so in touch with our own suffering, we can connect to others who also suffer.

Is there a way to transform and transmute my Hate Towards Myself into something helpful for growth? Hate Towards Myself creates self-inflicted suffering.  How can I connect with this in a beneficial way?

Sometimes I feel like I hate my own existence, that I somehow shouldn't be here.  Part of me feels like this is due to childhood experience...  I don't like blaming others... But in this case I do want to shift blame.  Why is that?  I want to blame others for not allowing me to be who I am in a given moment...  For not allowing me to feel what I need to feel emotionally...  And at the same time I want to blame myself for not being courageous enough to feel fully in my present state.

This Duality within me, I don't know how to resolve...

My Longest Lasting Positive Habits

I just realized my longest lasting habits tend to involve some sort of continuous exploration.  I mean, I've always known I love to explore, and it keeps me doing something over and over again...  But for some reason I've never thought of it as a tool for creating some semblance of consistency in my life...  The process of going deeper and deeper...  The constant discovery...  The paradox of repeat in order to find something new and fresh...

Now if only I can learn to apply this. lol.

Letting the Heart Melt...

Why do I find it so scary to allow my heart to melt?  Sometimes I'll see something that moves me... Perhaps a photo of someone who I can tell is suffering, or will suffer...  I feel warmth inside, as if I want to reach out...  Yet I'm afraid...

Meaninglessness...

Every now and then I find myself asking, "What's the point?"  I struggle to find the right answers.  I get stuck, and fires that were once ablaze go dim, turning into feelings of dark heaviness, like a fog stifling my being.  The energy that can sometimes exist in me gone like a faint memory.  All that's left is the smoke after the embers.  A smoke that's suffocating, clouding my vision.

The only answer I can come up with is to create some semblance of meaning.  This usually entails delving deeper into some of my idealism, or delving deeper into some of my passions.  To get the smoke to clear, it's like I need a very hot and clean burning flame.  It's a flame that burns me, causing me discomfort at times, but it seems a bit better than the alternative of suffocating.

The real world still looms, and I still find much of life quite meaningless.  "Have beautiful hair and you'll be happy!"  "Have six pack abs and you'll feel sexy and happy."  "Win a million dollars in the sweepstakes and you'll be happy!"  It's clear we all want to be happy, that's all I know.  And some say happiness is the meaning of life.  So perhaps I just haven't found the keys for happiness for me.  Perhaps in finding that happiness I'll find the meaning I seek.

Outcasts & INFPs?

Tending to individuals...  to outcasts... to misfits...
Is that what INFPs do?
INFPs give those who feel separate someone to relate to?

My Emo Song Friend

Thank you my Emo Song Friend...
You sat by me and allowed me to cry as many tears as I wanted...
You allowed me to feel not-so-alone in the loneliest of times...
I'm so thankful for you, allowing me to emote some of the depths of my being...
Emo Song Friend...  where would I be without you???

"Deserve"

Why does the word "deserve" offend me so much?  I find it offending when people say "Such and such person isn't deserving of my time."  Or "I deserve happiness!"

I seem to associate the word with discrimination... with blame...  with ego...  Only people who are deemed "worthy" can associate with those people who use the word "deserve" quite a bit...

Perhaps my offense stems down to my own feelings of unworthiness...  As if I'm being reminded of my own self-whipping...  The word goes straight to the quick, down to the rawness of it all...  Perhaps I hate the word because deep down, it's what I really want for myself...  I want to feel deserving...  I want to feel like something special...

Guh!  I dunno...  I can't seem to reconcile with the word...  And I'm turned off by those who imply "You don't deserve my time...  You don't deserve my attention...  You don't deserve to be a part of my life."

Good Owies?

There's certain pain that makes me feel connected and human...  Feeling pain when hearing of, or knowing of another's pain...  It wakes me up from the sleep I'm way too prone to...

Embarrassment or Harshness...

"Be with oneself without embarrassment or harshness.  This is the instruction on how to love oneself and one's world."  From Awakening Loving-kindness by Pema Chodron

These simple words seem to be at the core of my own struggle...  So often embarrassed at who I am not... The person I believe I'm supposed to be...  So often I am harsh towards myself, and not truly loving.

Imagine if only I could drop the whips and chains...  What would I be like?  Why is it so hard to change this way of being?  What am I supposed to learn from it?

Light

I've been beating myself up lately for "not being serious enough."  The irony in that thought is that the act of beating oneself up is quite serious...

The word "Light" means and symbolizes so many things...  Every time I go against Lightness in Spirit, I encounter resistance...  Perhaps a lighter way of being is indeed the path to use when tackling the heavier stuff...  In some twisted paradox, the lightness can indeed bring light, can bring joy to a situation...

I notice one of the spiritual leaders I admire most, The Dalai Lama, despite tackling some deep heavy issues, he tends to have a warmth and lightness to his being.  How on Earth does one achieve such lightness in spirit...  A light that can transmute dark...  Lightness that goes beyond resistance...

I seem to have this inner struggle "to be better," yet when I push I find I'm knocked down.  Instinctively I know there's a way of being that feels lighter, that feels more free...

How does one give rise to such spontaneity of spirit?

Idealism and Bravery...

There's a kind of bravery required...
A courage to learn to accept the world as it is...
A patience to have the faith and knowing that the world is unfolding as it needs to...
A strength to bear the pain involved when seeing or reading of things that hurt...

I'm having one of those "ugh" days where my idealism is making me emotionally hurt...
I wish I had the strength and power to open more eyes...
Then the other part of me thinks "Why should I care?"
Reality sets in...  My soul won't allow me not to care, for better or for worse...

So for now I let out deep sighs...
I pray for the best result...
Instead of abandoning my Idealism, instinctively I know I have to go deeper...
I have to find the paradox of a light way of being that's also strong...

Adding to what's already there?

When emotions come up, I find I'm not in control.  No matter what I do, the emotions will come up...

So is it wise to add to what's already going to come up no matter what?
Do I add resistance or fear by trying to run away?
Do I hold on to emotions longer than their life spans are intended to be by indulging/wallowing?
Or Do I give my emotions freedom to live and die as they naturally would?

Regardless of what path I choose, there always exists the need for courage...
A courage to really feel deeply...
A courage to go with the gifts I've been naturally given...
So how does one embrace our natural gifts???

Nostalgia...

I just had one of those moments of tender sighs...  Feeling blessed, feeling thankful for the Unconditional Love I felt as a child, when thinking of my godparents...  It reminds me of the beauty that can be felt in this world...  It reminds me of what I hope to be more like...

Shells

Empty shells that once were me
Lay by the wayside
Like Russian dolls slowly revealing
Until one day naked
Down to the essence of my being...

Though cast aside I still mourn with each breath
To slough is the heart's desire
The yells, the screams, the fire, the raging
Felt, seen, and heard with crescendo
Until encompassed by passionate purple flames...

Being In The Wrong

Being totally in the wrong is often a gateway to knowledge...
Attempting to make leaps and guesses that might be totally off base...
The process of exploration, following paths however potentially right or wrong...
That's how the uncharted becomes charted, increasing knowledge and awareness...

So how wrong am I willing to be???

Addict

It's so easy to slip away into old habits... into addicting habits...  into old patterns...
It seems there's some kind of paradox...  By being more gentle, more accepting, and more forgiving of oneself while walking our path...
We allow more room for growth and change...
So perhaps with a little positive intention, and positive prayer...
Along with loving-kindness towards oneself...  A genuine, sincere love towards oneself no matter what...
Resistance can gently fall away, allowing for the transformation the soul so desperately craves...

Perceptions

So odd how my perceptions of what is are constantly challenged...  My eyes opened by wonderful people I encounter...  Literally seeing things I never thought possible...  I am thankful for the eyes of others...  Those who can potentially deepen my understanding of the mysteries of life...  It's my deep wish that I'm able to somehow offer others something wonderful as well...

Inner Rage...

I don't think I've fully felt the inner rage I needed to feel while being bullied as an adolescent.  I'm seeing a form of bullying online and it's triggering something inside of me.  I want to withdraw, yet at the same time I know I need to rage... To be angry at the cruelty...  At the heartlessness...

I need to the let the inner seething within me burn bright...  I want to say "F U!" to my past tormentors...  I want the hardness of my heart to melt so I can be soft and kind the way I wish to be...  But until I fully feel what I needed to feel, I don't think I can fully be who I wish to be...

So for now, I hope I don't deny my anger...  I hope to feel more fully...  more authentically...

Emotion Junkie?

Sometimes I feel I'm a total emotion junkie...
If I feel off, a nice strong hit of emotion makes me feel better...
Usually music is my drug of choice...
Strangely, feeling sad things also makes me feel better...
Gut-wrenchingly honest songs seem to help ground me...
The heartfelt honesty brings me back...

What if I were more like my dog?

So what if I could be more like my dog...
Offering love to people regardless...
Or the way she offers me love regardless...

Beyond Judgment?

Can we ever reach a point where we're beyond our harsh judgment of ourselves?
Can we ever reach a point where we're beyond perceived judgments of others?

What would it be like to be free of harsh judgment?  To be free and unconcerned?

Curiosity?

Curiosity seems to bring me to wonderful places...
It seems act as a Guiding Light towards places that instinctually bring me inner fulfillment...
Thank You Curiosity!!!  :)

Our Words

Many of the words we project...
Often express what we want for ourselves...
What we wish from others...

Our actions towards others also reflect some of our deepest desires for ourselves...

"Who Cares?"

"Who Cares?"
"I don't really care."

"That hits home to my core."

Is indifference in some areas needed to create a strong sense of caring in another area?
Caring deeply about something seems to be a bit polarizing, at least within my own mind.

Honestly, there's a lot of things I could care less about...
But there are also things I can't help but care for...

When I'm asked to kill insects...

It may sound silly, but it's something that disturbs me greatly, especially if the insect has done nothing to me.  I'll admit I kill bugs that bite me, mainly out of anger.  Sometimes I feel bad, and sometimes I don't.

But ask me to kill when I don't want to kill...  It stirs me up inside...  Especially if I feel like I'm being forced to do it.

Ultimately I need to learn to stand up for my beliefs, and refuse...  A lesson I still need to learn...

Access

Sometime we can't quite reach parts of our own back.
So often we need a helping hand to scan, to bring awareness, to bring healing...

On Books

Finding a book that resonates with me is total Bliss!!!

I love the feeling of finding something I feel like I'm supposed to be reading...  Something that connect with me on a deeper level...

Thankful for those moments...

I am Love

I was reading a blog and came across those three words...
"I am Love."
Maybe I wasn't paying attention, or maybe I just wasn't thinking...
But I've never thought of Love in that light.  I know I must have read it elsewhere, but only now do the words jump out at me.

"I am Love."

What if such words uttered are indeed true?

In My Brokenness

It's funny...  In My Brokenness...  Those are the times I experience truths...
An Ugly Truth I experienced recently...  Deep down there exists a black hole within me.  There's a part of me that longs deeply...  A part of me that deeply envies others...  And there's a part of me that wishes I could experience the drug that is romantic love.  My heart is like a donut, or perhaps a bagel at times...  Not quite whole...

While it's true I long, there's also a part of me that wishes to journey and go it alone.  It's confusing to be pulled in two seemingly opposed directions...

I'm unsure what the right path for me is at this time...  I do know it helps for me to temporarily commit to something when I'm feeling low...  We'll see where this takes me...

July 6th

This day 13 years ago is a day that forever rocked my family.  A sudden unexpected loss led to so much pain and suffering.  Amongst the chaos, so many tears...  Tears for a dear family member...  Tears for ourselves...

I couldn't comprehend it at the time...  And I still don't comprehend it...  But I knew I wanted to do my best not to contribute to that kind of suffering in the world...

In a time I couldn't understand the meaning...  I did my best to create meaning...

It's easy to forget the roots of my personal commitment...  It's easy to get lost in the mundane...  I still don't know why what happened happened...  All I know is that day in history forever changed my entire family...

In many ways I feel like I've forgotten my commitment...  I feel like part of my resolve has withered...  I tried to extend what I believe to be beneficial to all beyond me, yet in so many ways I feel like a failure.

My heart is much rawer than is used to be...  I feel pain much deeper and more readily than before...  So often I feel I'm not brave enough...  So often I feel overwhelmed and alone...  

I just wish I could open more eyes and open more hearts...

The Gentle Way?

I've known the punishing way for so long...
How do I find The Gentle Way?

My experience with tennis has taught me the gentle approach works better for me.  Punishing myself only makes the desired result worse.  How do I gain faith and apply The Gentle Way beyond tennis?

Surfeited

Daffodils blow in breeze
Taken by swirls of wind to heavens
Graced by golden light as I drift off
Deep somnolent melting reverie
I disappear...

Tapestry

Is the apparent chaos and randomness all around...
Actually interwoven and interconnected
In ways we're unaware of?

Rip

Rip open our heart...
To get a glimpse of our true selves...

Interdependence Day?

I wonder if one day there will exist a day
A day we celebrate our realized interconnectedness...
A day we celebrate our forgotten oneness...

Emotional Intensity...

The intensity of what I experience
Is often too much for me to bear...
Perhaps this is part of why I am so fearful
So fearful of letting others in too deep...

Be Gentle

Be gentle in your unhappiness

Let go of the whip that demands one be happy...

Why add to what's already there through grasping what isn't...

Interesting...  I find if it doesn't feel as spontaneous, it feels kind of stuffy...
I was re-writing a description I had thought of earlier, and it just wasn't as fun as the first time around... It took a lot more mental effort.

Fixation...
SNAP!
Wake Up.

Go ahead and spill some paint...

Anyone who can take me to the edge of my fears...
You are a True Friend to my Soul...
Thank you.

The Collective "We."

I noticed one of the only times I really used the idea of a collective "we" is when referring to INFPs as a group...

I don't do it for teams I root for like many others do...
I don't do it when referring to classmates, or the college I attended...
But I do it when relating to INFPs...

I suppose We is where we often feel at home, where we feel a sense of belonging...
The I or the Me become We, creating a new boundary...

I used to freak out when I'd make little spelling errors, or grammatical mistakes while posting on threads...  Though lately I find myself okay with leaving the mistakes, and not editing...

I wonder if it has to do with my longing for total freedom to mess up as needed...  Freedom I didn't allow myself as a child, for fear of being punished or unloved...

Play

True play involves a joyful exploration...
There are no mistakes...
Only learning...

The wisdom of no escape...
With courage and strength...

Blind bat using sonar
Slowly a larger picture begins to appear

The eyes of others help increase our own resolving power...

To re-search...
To seek out the forgotten knowledge within...

The playfulness of the INFP...
Is it to balance out our inner deep devotion?

Advice is often relative...
All those quotes people post...
Indeed many are helpful, just not helpful to all individuals...

Names

When we learn another person's name...
Or when we give a name to an animal...
Is that a way of acknowledging another being's soul?

I find myself chuckling quite often now...
This is quite unusual for me...
I'm curious if it has any major significance...

The Red Cape

Red Cape blowing in the wind...

Dancing fluttering freely...

Horns of the world come charging in...

No matter how still the Red Cape tries...

Taking it Personal

I've found that over the years, my best work, my best efforts are a result of deep personal investment in something.  It comes from a place of passion...  Action and being become intertwined...  The more personal, the more strength and power I can draw...

So to tell an INFP not to take something personal is in fact removing a source of their greatest strength...  It's telling the INFP to remove their spirit, their enthusiasm, their passion...  The inner burning light that exists within them...

There's a reason why INFPs can be so devoted to a cause, to challenges that may seem overwhelmingly difficult, and impossible to succeed at...

It's because it's Personal...  It's the work of our Souls....

Do I share ideas?
Or do I push ideas?

Designer Engineer

What am I trying to build?
Myself?
Internal models in my head?
A better way of doing things in the world?

The rawness that exists within...

Finding things that make us light up...

Can something like a machine, say for instance, a computer, just randomly come together on its own?
Or must there always be some outside organizing creative force to pull pieces together to make a whole?

The Power of Being Present for another...
Today I'm reminded of the effect, being on the receiving end...
Thankful...

Island

You ask me to turn out the light
Yet I long to lie by you still
Now cold and alone I depart
A journey below
Away from where you float freely

Curled up on icy tiles
Wishing for a warm helping hand
Only to find this pain I feel
Is mine and mine alone
While you wish for peace
I wish for embrace

When it's your turn to feel the cold and the shiver
I'm am there to comfort with warmth and soothing
While this comforts my soul I can't help but wonder
Where were you when your current state was me?
I whip myself for such thoughts thinking,
Perhaps if I show you want I like?
Only to be proven a fool in another time...

Melancholy and Joy...
You are both my friends...
By contrast you seem to amplify one another...
I see beauty in both of you...
It feels strange to say this...
But Thank You...

Wow... Some powerful words spoken by this man...
There is strength in words...

http://www.infjorinfp.com/docs/Gandhi.htm

The Young Star

And the Young Star said to the Sage Sun, "How does one become so bright, and radiate with so much life and warmth?"  The Sage Sun replied, "The answer lies within."  The Young Star asked, "Well how do I know if I've found the answer?"  The Sage Sun said, "Well, let me tell you a few stories about various stars throughout the galaxy.  Perhaps then you'll find the answer you're seeking."

Sage Sun:  Have you seen the half moons up in the sky?  Are they really half moons?
Young Star:  No, the moons are actually whole, but we stars create a shadow that makes it look like they're only half moons.
Sage Sun:  You're right young one.  Well there are some stars that actually believe they're half stars.  They believe they look like the half moons.
Young Star:  What happens when a star believes it's only a half star?
Sage Sun:  When a stars only believes they're only half stars, they can't realize their full brightness.  They believe to achieve full brightness, they have to find another half star that fits them.
Young Star:  But Sage Sun, they're already whole.
Sage Sun:  Yes, you're right.  Every star is already whole.  But each star must grow up and finally realize that in order to burn at their fullest.  It takes time to see all parts of ourselves.  And sometimes we need the help of another.  That's the benefit of finding another half star.
Young Star:  So once they realize they're full stars, how does one become burning bright?
Sage Sun:  The answer lies within...

A blank canvas is always willing to listen...

Devotion...

I easily forget that I do this on a day-to-day basis...

If NFs were a group of super heroes

 In fearful day, in raging night, with strong hearts full, our souls ignite! When all seems lost in the War of Light, look to the stars, for hope burns bright! 

-- Blue Lantern Corps oath

http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Blue_Lantern_Corps

"What do I want?"
So often I forget to ask myself this...
Sometimes I just do things blindly...
I'm unsure if this is good or bad?

I notice I'm slightly more disciplined when I do ask myself what I want.

Cool new word I learned while reading an MBTI blog entry...  Graphomania.  :)
I just had to write that down.  ;P

Are there ghosts still within me?
I'm reading old blog entries I wrote, and I don't really remember writing the words...
Only a very vague recollection...
The time when everything was so raw...
It's as if I didn't have a choice but to write in order to survive.

The tides come rolling in and rolling out...

An interesting paradox that seems to exist within us...
In order to access The Divine, or the best parts of ourselves...
We have to fully realize our Humanness...

We can access our inner sanctum...
Which allows us to more fully connect to ourselves and to others...

What did the INFPs Ne and Fi tell his/her inferior Te?
"Thank you so much for allowing us to be so humble!  :)"

Okay seriously...  Where would I be without reframing?

Groggy low energy experiment in writing

Sludge coated thick
Ticker starts to stick
Ringing in hopes to wake
Though daylight spread around
Movement stands still
Distilled thought cannot be traced
Amoeba-like neurons
Amorphous in process
Singing a lullaby to sleep
Images while still
A stir so deep
In slumber more awake than standing

Eyes sewn shut by ties that bind...

When we know our own truth, Does it matter what others think about us?

Message to myself...

I'm still not where I want to be...
Having enough love for myself that I'm overflowing...
That which spills over is easily shared...
For there is no need to demand from another...
Since inside I would already be full...
There would be no need to dip into another's cup...

It's my intention to get to that place of abundance...
The place that's always there if only I'm willing...
If I'm willing to drop conditions...
If I'm willing to drop my own demands...

True giving is not trading...
Even when it involves self...

I find I'm not as open and free as I'd like to be...

I'm still very much guarded...

Seeing the impermanence of connections via mother duck and duckling reminds me of my own fears...

Perhaps I genuinely felt pain for the mother duck, because I could relate firsthand...

I find it difficult to sit still...  I find it difficult to trust in the unfolding...

What's around the next bend?  Do I have to close my eyes in order to see?

When I lose my appetite...  When I have to force myself to eat...  It's often a sign I'm grieving...  Today is one of those days...  A little duckling I just started to get to know...  Watching it joyful frolic and follow it's mother...  Down the chute of the small waterfall, and back up again...  Staying underneath its mom for shade while along the edge of the pond...

Now I see a mother duck all alone.  Her lone duckling to hatch is now gone.  She sits along the edge alone, surveying the area as if there were still a glimmer of hope.  She quacks intermittently, looks around, but no young one to be found...

When our severed connections are cleaved, it's as if a part of us is taken, leaving behind a phantom limb, or even a phantom heart...  Gone, but we can still feel those we have lost...  It only takes a few thoughts, or even subtle reminders to remember our past connection...

I'm curious to see how nature deals with loss...  For now the mother duck is still eating...  She's still swimming...  But now she swims alone...

If one were to find contentment, Is there a mode of action that doesn't require dissonance to be pushed forward?

What happens Beyond Fear? Beyond Loneliness?  Beyond Dissatisfaction?

Evolution towards reconnecting...
Finding our way back to wholeness...

There seems to be a quiet gentle voice that exists within...
It feels different...
It's comforting...
It's healing...

What does it take to access this voice more regularly?

Identity crisis

I was playing with a website that analyzes our writing style and guesses our type...  I had a mini identity crisis after entering text from my blog.  Basically it said my writing style is that of a sensor...  So I wrote about the experience, and placed that text in the program...

http://www.uclassify.com/browse/prfekt/Myers-Briggs-Perceiving-Function


What if indeed, I am not an intuitive, but a sensor?  All of this time playing the part of a soul whose journey is scattered and haphazard, believing my lack of direction is from a mere cognitive function.  Have I been using my type as shield from the light, from the truth of the matter?  How do I reconcile this identity crisis, for I've search so far and so long, and to come up as someone I attempt to distance myself from...

So I take two steps forward toward a different horizon...  a horizon of the unknown... a place of uncertainty.  I walk with eyes closed in hope I will better see.  May the warmth of the sun beckon me, so that my soul find its way back home to reclaim its rightful place, back to the hearth, back to where we are all connected as one...

1. iNtuition (86.6 %)
2. Sensing (13.4 %)

PS Apparently my writing style shows I'm a Thinker not a Feeler.  Oo!  I'm so logical!

What if the path I've taken was/is indeed the Best Of All Possible Situations?
Had events played out differently than they had, how would my own life and the life of others be affected?
I reflect, and I see some significant occurrences that may not have happened if my life course were different than it is today...
So I wonder if the path I've been on is really for the best...

How does one become a generous soul?
I believe it's when we truly realize, when we truly acknowledge the Infinite...
In it's true form, there is no price on it...  It is readily always available to give...
But we hold back because of our own fear...  Because of our own perceived lack...
Our cups do not overflow because of all of our conditions...

Strength from a deep sense of knowing...

Being moved...
A moment of soul connection?

The tide, the weather, the seasons, the landscape...
To Grasp is to blind oneself from truth...
With an open palm we are free to see...

Feeling the pain is the right thing to do...
Do not run...
For you pain is based on Love for another being...
Rejoice in the fact that you can Feel the Pain...

:(  Some food choices make me sick to my stomach and sad...
I feel like throwing up but I can't...
I feel like tearing up but I can't...
All I can do is sigh...

What if there was a Personified God...
And he made all the different types of religions...
Just to see how we would treat each other...

"Ha!  Fooled ya!  I just wanted to see if you guys would love each other regardless of labels!"

Tears

Tears reflect an opening within us...
Tears show our connection to something outside of us...
Tears also invite others to connect with us in our times of need...
Tears communicate something from within the soul...
Tears tell truths...

Loving Choices...

Loving choices in the moment to moment, the day to day seems to be about Listening...

Do we truly listen to the soul of another being?

Do we truly listen to our own soul?

It seems like there are many many opportunities To Love...

Disconnect

Distance from our Souls...
Those belonging to others...
Those belonging to ourselves...

Wielding a lightsaber of Moral Indignation...
Spurred on by Rage...
I Rebel...

May I use my Fire for purposes of Enlightenment...
The Voiceless...
The Helpless...
May I find strength and courage to fight injustice in my own way...

I pray that words I wield are listened to...

Blind Willingness...

Why are we so willing to contribute to the violent deaths of other beings?
Why can we so easily turn a blind eye towards the suffering of animals, a suffering that we contribute to with every meal we consume...

"It's Okay Mijo"

The other week just prior to Mother's Day I went out to eat with my family...  Our server addressed me as "mijo", and instantly I recalled someone who made me feel so loved as a young child.

I recall my Nina comforting me while I was crying, telling me "It's okay mijo" as she carried me in her arms, nurturing my crying soul.  I don't recall why I was crying, but I remember feeling so loved in that moment...  And enveloping warmth around me with my Nina's arms wrapped around me... massaging my back as I cried away the tears...

My memories of early childhood are vague, but there are certain individuals whose presence made me feel loved...  It's an energy of warmth...

My Nina and my Nino... the caretakers I remember most since they regularly babysat me...  I cry tears of appreciation and love when I visit their graves...

My Dad's Mom, my Granda Em...  She was my earliest babysitter before I can even remember...  I don't remember much, but I recall her very gentle spirit...  I remember more of her when I was older, and I was able to visit her in Chicago...  She was a natural rescuer of those in need, adopting stray dogs off the street, making them her own.  I recently found out that when she was in the Philippines she took in people who needed caring for...

My first kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Fisher...  A kind, encouraging, gentle soul...  I don't know what the occasion was, but I remember her giving me a great big hug.  In her presence I felt so comforted, so loved...

My first grade teacher, Miss Fesadent?  I can't recall the spelling... but I remember her being very kind as well...

I am thankful for the presence of these people... For their energy that they exuded...  For the warmth and kindness they shared with the shy little kid that was me.  Though my memories are very vague, I can very much recall the way these individuals made me feel...  Perhaps it's souls like these that make me always believe in humanity...  That within us, there is something greater...

They say that time heals all wounds...
Though now I'm inclined to say it's Love and Light...
Illuminating the dark spots within us with warmth, with truth...

They speak of dull grays that won't quite go away...
I believe it's the clouds that need to mourn...
The clouds protect us until we're ready to see that part of our world...

Thank you clouds...
Thank you sun...
And Thank you earth...

So dust starts to settle after the storm...
What happens when part of the sky that was once covered with dull clouds starts to reemerge?
Can I start to better fulfill more of The Core Value?
Will more light shine upon my being?

It's strange to feel so angry over such a fuzzy memory...
Fear, tears, a belt, confusion...
Being told to stop crying when I couldn't stop...
And if I didn't stop I would get more of the same...

I can feel a burning and seething within me...
I can feel pain around my chest, a gnarled tightening, subtly different than pain I've experienced before...
My inner dialogue is full of curse words and me imagining giving the middle finger...
I want to curse and scream how idiotic it all seems to me...

It seems to run parallel to a cause that affects me at my core...
Perhaps one day I'll finally learn how to speak up...
To learn to be unapologetic in my beliefs...

We harm those we don't need to harm because TRADITION DICTATES.
F the NORM!  F YOU!

I can never cry enough tears...

The Illusion of Separateness...
I can easily be You...
And you can easily be Me...

Our Inner Light dims...
When we close our eyes...
When we close our hearts...

A willingness to delve into anger as needed...
With the faith that love will protect me from being consumed...

What if this is the next step?

I feel energy in my belly that I haven't noticed before.  Usually the energy I feel is around my chest.
I've also started remembering things I've chosen to forget...  things I've buried long ago...
Perhaps it's the uncovering of these memories that are bringing up these feelings in my belly...
It'll be interesting to explore...

Shy...

I was always shy since I was a very young child...
I never fought back verbally or physically...
I still remember being embarrassed in preschool...
Humiliated in front of the class for making a mistake.
I didn't understand what I was supposed to do...  I just remember the teacher showing everyone my        work, and all the kids laughing.
I remember wetting my pants in preschool and being changed in front of everyone...
I'd malinger, fake coughing because I didn't want to attend preschool...
From the get go I never liked school...

I recall being spanked and being fearful of my mother...
I recall my grandmother pulling my ear and hitting me across the shoulders...

I never fought back physically or verbally...
I just took it...
I became fearful of making mistakes...
And I'm sure I have hidden buried anger deep within...

I wonder if my vegetarianism is a reflection of my childhood growing up...
The shy kid without a voice...
The kid who never fought back...

I wonder if subconsciously, I relate to the animals who have no one to defend them...
Voiceless...
Unable to fight back...

Is my hidden anger related to my vegetarianism?
Do I feel for them, because within the animals being harmed, I see me?

Lately I've been baby-sitting my grandmother...  When she's scared she'll aggressively ask me to turn on the lights, and set the alarm...  She'll aggressively poke at me, digging her finger into me the way one would put out a cigar.

I can feel myself getting irritated.  I want to say stop poking me, but I don't.  I hold it in.  I know she's scared...  And when I feel anger I start to feel guilt...  I feel horrible for feeling such things towards my elder who I'm supposed to respect...  and I know she's just acting out of fear.  I don't know how to reconcile these feelings...  I know I'm supposed to be loving and understanding...  but it's difficult for me to feel these things genuinely...

My voice is still very much muted...  When I'm angry I'm louder...
Can't I just unmute, and speak in a calm, even, loving manner?

And when trying to speak up for animals...  I still haven't reconciled how to properly do that either...

I hope to figure these things out...

Visitor...

It's odd...  I'm experiencing a part of me I haven't felt in a while...
The intense, almost seething, more animalistic part of me...
I feel a slight furrow in my brow...  Passion bubbling up to the surface...
Fire coursing through my veins...
A quiet intensity that I used to know...
I'm unsure of this visitor...
Are you friend or are you foe?
I can't seem to soften my gaze...
You are powerful...  You're a fighter...
Why have you come to visit?

Reminders...

The deep sighs...
The warmth that fills the heart...
These remind me of what I believe to be the most valuable, the most important thing...

Today I am thankful for these beautiful reminders...
I'm so very prone to forgetting, so it's nice to be gently awaken...
In a way that feels so wonderful...

The Feeler's Way?

To frame from a perspective of Love,
Not from a perspective of Justice...
That, I believe is the Feeler's Way.

Sorrow, a deep form of love, serves as a catalyst for connection for the Feeler...
Anger, a ball of energy, sparks a Thinker into action, seeking justice and fairness...

But too much Anger in the Feeler consumes and burns oneself...
If there's to be Anger, it should not dominate the Feeler's landscape...
A foundation of Love is the better way...

We all exist within ourselves, so we must walk with our own two feet...
But we all have hands that can help, and be helped...

Is it okay to demand something from another...
That we can't even give to ourselves?

At what point do we let go, and say...
It's Okay...

Can we own another being's flesh?
If we pay for it, is it ours?

Feeling totally moved...

Moved by the beauty that exists in people...  People reaching out and helping other people...  A feeling of warmth and love courses through my body...  My compass is telling me Truth.

Upon Awakening...

It's strange...  I wake up from an unexpected early evening nap...  It's still a little warm out and I feel not quite awake...  Yet the thought that keeps crossing my mind is Instinctually I know Love and the Soul are the most important things...  At least to me.

This is something I think I've know for a long time...  well, at least the part about loving...  Despite knowing this at my core, petty things like fear and anger so easily get in the way...

I have vague memories of some of my earliest caretakers, but I do remember feelings of comfort and warmth from my Nina, Estella.  She had a special way of being that could comfort my crying soul as a very young child...  And I'm thankful for that when I can actually remember.  Perhaps it's that enveloping feeling, the warmth and the nurturing I needed when I was so young, the warmth that was given to me in order to soothe me...  Maybe that's why I instinctually know that Love and the Soul are the most important things to me.  The feeling of safety in another's arms...

And I think of my dad's mom who took care of me before I can remember anything.  She's probably the epitome of warmth and love...  And despite me not remembering her on a conscious level as a physical caretaker...  I'm sure her physical presence very early in my life was vital to shaping my inner psyche at its core...  What I could remember was her kindness, generosity, and warmth and gentleness...

I've been so blessed to be in the company of such wonderful souls, and yet I find I'm not as generous as these people I admire so much...  These people I'm so very thankful for...  When warmth courses through me I am reminded of these people....  I'm reminded of what instinctually I know to be the right way...  I gently let out a sigh, continually hoping to be more like those who loved me so much...

My Own Ignorance...

Open eyes in certain areas Does not make me impervious to Ignorance in other areas...
By focusing in one direction we often lose focus, we lose sight of another area...

Perhaps that's part of the value of connecting...
We can help be each other's eyes for our blind spots...

Monsters

If we ourselves demonize others...
If we make monsters out of them...
Do we ourselves become the real monsters?

Beauty

Such a beautiful soul...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfRgIahFgeY

Terrible ouchies in my chest right now resulting in quickly written emo song...

Evolution of the Soul?

What if there really was evolution of the soul, and the higher we climb, the thinner the air, the less company we have...

What's the better approach for myself...
Learning a new habit?
Defeating the notion, the illusion of habit?

Love of Flesh...
Or Love of Beings?

Heart...
Brain...
Muscle, Sinew, Bone...
Growth, Maintenance, Repair, Immune system...

Whole versus the Illusion of Separateness...
All parts need love... A blood supply...

Without metaphor...
Without symbols...
My voice would feel trapped in walls...

Courage to work with Rawness of The Heart...

No Pain, No Gain.

What if this applied to emotional strength as well???
The Heavier the Better...

At what point do I push my idealism even further, expanding out...
Being even bigger than myself...

We're a species that doesn't need to consume the flesh of animals, Thus causing animals increased suffering...
Yet we still do...  I'd like to believe that we humans can do much better than that...  That we can further extend kindness across species...

Song writing, you are difficult, yet satisfying...
Even when what I write is crap.  LOL.
I should attend to you more often...

What's it like to not discover who we are?
To not know what we're all about?
To wind up getting caught up in the motions of life...
To live a life with the soul unfulfilled...

What if in actuality I'm more artist than nerd???
Why does this thought terrify me???
All these years I used to tie my identity to academics...
And now I could care less about academics...
I'd rather search the soul...  I'd rather seek beauty all around...
I'd rather be an admirer of people...

The willingness to make Big Bold Mistakes, knowing that much good can come from the leaps...
Is that a function of Ne?  Photography and writing seem to have helped me in this area...
My willingness to be wrong was much much less before...

Is a Holga camera totally like running on Ne???

I keep praying for the best result...
I keep praying for courage and strength to endure if the means to the best result is painful...

I never realized how much social convention can affect me so deeply...
In a fell swoop, hearing through the grapevine about someone from my not to distant past...
I feel it all over again, the ache within me...  An ache wishing to be relieved...
I feel the helplessness of the situation...  Wishing I could have her back in my life...

Social Suicide...
I think I'm good at that one...

Buried

Pressure built
Kettle howling
Floodgates burst

Pilot Light

There's a pilot light that exists within me...
So many times I've tried to put it out but to no avail...
Instead I've learned to expand around it...
To build new hearths...
Today I learned that someone will be living out the dreams I once had...
The dreams I once wanted so badly, but could not manifest...
Now I'm terrified of what may seep to the surface...
Beyond the confines of what I've been able to build...

The Unfolding...

Reminder to self to trust the unfolding of life...
What if things had been different, and I wasn't living in my current situation?
Perhaps there are lives that needed touching that I wouldn't have been able to touch...

There aren't many times I feel very confident in my abilities...
But there is an area I believe I can benefit others...
I really do believe I can help people find their way back home when they are lost...
By me just being myself without agenda, I feel I can open people up...
Allowing their hearts to expand and to love more greatly...
I feel like I can reach the people who are hurting, but are very much ready to love people, to love the world...

Or perhaps I'm being an overconfident jackass regarding my belief... Perhaps I'm being delusional...
Honestly, it's one of the few things I can say I truly believe in...

There are so many connections and re-connections that may not have happened if I had been in a different situation...   There is so much self-growth I may not have realized if I hadn't gone it alone...  I'd be more preoccupied trying to meet the demands of a relationship, rather than moving towards self-realization...

What would it be like to live life uncensored?
To live life without worry about any types of social conventions...
To do it the way I want to do it with caring what others think?

What would it be like to bare one's soul without any shame, embarrassment, remorse???

What if the meaning of life is to do our best to fulfill the potential of our own MBTI type???

I wonder if INFPs are soul snatchers...
I feel like those I let into my life...
Those who touch me...
They become a permanent part of me...

INFPs might have a sort of X-ray vision...
With special access into someone when gazing into their eyes...
And when listening to the sounds that echo from within another...

The Story My photography keeps telling me...

Realization...  The photos that I take that move me the most... or photos people take of me that move me most...  It tells my story...  Looking beneath the outer shell...  A willingness to wander, to seek, to go it alone...  A willingness to keep moving towards the light even if it burns...  Acknowledging and making friends with my shadow... Photography itself, being a light chaser...

The pictures and words that come from me teach me more about myself...

I'm so thankful for this means of self-expression...  It gets me closer to figuring out meaning and purpose...

The Power of Fi?

Fi at it's most powerful might be The Seed, The Essence...  Encapsulated from the influence of a world gone bad.

A willingness to be seared by emotions and passion...
The hotter the coal, the deeper the imprint...

Maybe it's much more important that I understand other people
Than other people understanding me...

My Work is not to Pull In
Or Push Out...
My Work is to Keep the Door Open...
To Remain Inviting...

To Grow Flowers from it...
To Fling it...
Or To Wallow in it...

Related to earlier post...
Compassion Not Punishment...

If I were raised in someone else's situation,
How do I know if I myself would be better or worse?

A mirror-lined carapace is where I often hide...
Not realizing how much real life
Is actually passing by...

Hidden Punishment Hidden Death

Indeed there is karma
Indeed there is justice
Hidden beneath unseen
To those ignorant and not knowing
To those choosing to live in ignorance
Justice swings its hammer
Premature declining health
Alzheimer's, cancer, heart disease, stroke, diabetes
Impotence of body, heart, mind, and spirit
The oppressed animals have their voices heard
But with insidious silence
The animals continue to live on inside of us,
Creating an internal wake of destruction
Damaged inflamed tissues
Mutated virulent cells
Hardened ticking plaques
And hardened hearts and minds

Our bodies truly become graves of dark hidden death
Patiently the reaper awaits...
But just long enough to let us linger in our cesspool of self-created suffering
To dodge its blow is to be quite lucky

Have courage and go towards the light...
Die and be reborn anew

First Step

In what ways can we rise above
The senseless doings that are not our love
To go beyond reason and into our fear
In hopes one day it'll soon be clear
The heart implores what's best for the soul
To ignore too long too heavy a toll
So look to the light and acknowledge our dark
With courage with strength One Step to Start...

Responsibility of those oppressed?

Those who belong to oppressed groups,
Should they fight for all oppressed beings?

Do work from your brokenness...
And soon you'll find yourself whole...

My speaking apparatus fails the voices inside of my head...
Thank goodness for my hands...