There's this mixed duality that exists within me... The parts I love about myself relate to my idealism and my values... Yet there's another part of myself that experiences self-loathing, self-hate...
I'm unaware when these dualities came into existence. When did I start loving myself? When did I start hating myself? Did this existence happen due to the conditions I've created? Do I only love myself because of certain things I do? And by not doing other things, I come to hate myself?
How do I reach a point of loving "Just Because," loving without condition? Sometimes I feel I am there... Other times, not so much... Conditions seem to create some strange duality. "This is good." "This is bad." Is there a way to see from a more detached point of view? Every state of being is like potential energy, able to drive us towards a certain way of being.
I know suffering can be a source of growth. Suffering can be transmuted into something beautiful in the form of deep empathy and compassion. Being so in touch with our own suffering, we can connect to others who also suffer.
Is there a way to transform and transmute my Hate Towards Myself into something helpful for growth? Hate Towards Myself creates self-inflicted suffering. How can I connect with this in a beneficial way?
Sometimes I feel like I hate my own existence, that I somehow shouldn't be here. Part of me feels like this is due to childhood experience... I don't like blaming others... But in this case I do want to shift blame. Why is that? I want to blame others for not allowing me to be who I am in a given moment... For not allowing me to feel what I need to feel emotionally... And at the same time I want to blame myself for not being courageous enough to feel fully in my present state.
This Duality within me, I don't know how to resolve...
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