"I don't work. I don't have a real job."

I've heard the terms "work" and "job" used both synonymously, as well as having slightly different meanings...

It's been a major source of shame for me in my adult life to "not be working," at least in the common way we tend to view what work is.  I stumbled across a shared comic strip reminding me that our true work is the effort put out by the soul...

So what if during this time of "non-work" I've actually been accumulating wealth, but of the spiritual variety by doing the work of the soul?  If I'm honest with myself, asking myself "What's worth it?", I will answer that the work of the soul is most worth it.  The stuff that fulfills us on a deeper level than merely existing, doing things that don't fill us up inside.  One can have all the material goods in the world, yet be very empty and broke on the inside.

There are some activities which make me no money, but I can't help but do those activities.  The currency I'm working with is inner-satisfaction.  My carrot-on-the-stick exists on the inside, a fact I must truly accept if I'm to be more fulfilled.

I may not be working doing a real job, but reflecting back, and looking at what I currently love to do, I in fact do work, but it's from a different place than mere survival.

Now I wonder if my inner shame makes sense.  To sell one's soul so one can answer the question of "What do you do?" without embarrassment, is it worth it?  Is it even worth being embarrassed about, not working in the normal sense of the word?

Lately my sense of Self-Worth has taken major hits.  I feel unattractive.  I feel like someone unworthy of companionship.  Yet I long to bond deeply with others, while at the same time keeping distance do to fears of rejection and fears of abandonment.  My fears fulfill the prophecy of feared separation.

Now I ponder, "What is the real meaning of work?"  And if I can't accept my current self for "What I do", when will I ever accept myself?  When will my aggression towards myself end?  When will I no longer be ashamed of myself?  And is the meaning of life really to merely survive like animals, where our only concerns are concerns of survival?  Sustenance in the form of food, shelter in the form of a roof over our heads, and sex which can lead to reproduction, in the guise of romance...  

So what's the real difference between surviving and thriving?  Is it the difference between work as we commonly know it versus doing Inner-work?

If only I could wake up and see the answers to my questions...  One day I wish to wake up with a good sense of Self-Worth...  To be relieved of guilt and shamed for not doing what's expected...  I'm hoping one day that day will come...  Until then I just have to keep swimming, trying to survive the ebb and flow of changing tides and currents and conditions.  There are too many times I think of jumping off of the roller coaster.  I pray for continued courage and strength...