Who Am I???

I often question who I am, trying to monitor patterns in behavior that exist within me.  I seem to go through different phases of being.  There exists this fun-loving, and somewhat creative person that gets excited when it comes to exploring ideas and novel things/patterns/connections.  Novelty is recharging. There also exists a person who is fearful, and can get stuck in routine and the familiar.  Though having a grandma who super emphasizes putting together time and routine, I'm reminded how much I don't like too much routine...  Just the right amount.  I feel a bit dead when I'm caught up in total routine.

Then there exists a person who is quite reflective when given enough time to think.  This person explores and feels the gamut of emotions, and what it's like being human.  There also exists a person who when too busy to think, becomes more or less an automaton.  In the automaton state I'm too busy to deeply feel my emotions, which in a way is nice.  I'm less prone to feeling really crappy states of emotion, but yet it's also a dead way of being for me.  It's not satisfying.  Sometimes I feel I'd rather be able to feel completely.  Though I know, so often I lack courage to constantly truly feel what's going on inside of me.  So I guess staying busy, especially physically is a good way to temper any flooded emotions.

There also exists this person, who for a good period of my early adult life, operates in an All-or-Nothing hardcore fashion.  I set my mind on something, and become passionately obsessed with living out whatever I'm trying to do.  It could involve playing tennis, it could involve adhering to a healthy vegetarian diet, it could involve a number of things to be obsessive about.  Though the hardcore person that I once was seems much more difficult to access now than before.

Currently I want to access the hardcore person within me, but without the hard edge that came with it.  I used to have a chip on my shoulder with something to prove to people in regards to the causes I firmly believe in.  I'm unsure if my ability to be hardcore has been tempered by my dislike of being edgy, or if it has something to do with being discouraged (becoming apathetic), or if it's a shift in my patterns of being internally, or if it's some combination of factors.

Where has the crazy hardcore person within gone?  All-or-Nothing is where I often lived, but now I'm caught in some type of purgatory.  Who am I supposed to become?  Someone who exists somewhere in between?  What's the most satisfying way of being for myself?  In the ebb and flow of patterns of behavior that reflect our personalities, I feel like I'm mourning something that may not exist within me anymore.  Are you still there?  Or are you latent, hibernating until the right moment comes along...

Who am I at this given moment?