July 6th

This day 13 years ago is a day that forever rocked my family.  A sudden unexpected loss led to so much pain and suffering.  Amongst the chaos, so many tears...  Tears for a dear family member...  Tears for ourselves...

I couldn't comprehend it at the time...  And I still don't comprehend it...  But I knew I wanted to do my best not to contribute to that kind of suffering in the world...

In a time I couldn't understand the meaning...  I did my best to create meaning...

It's easy to forget the roots of my personal commitment...  It's easy to get lost in the mundane...  I still don't know why what happened happened...  All I know is that day in history forever changed my entire family...

In many ways I feel like I've forgotten my commitment...  I feel like part of my resolve has withered...  I tried to extend what I believe to be beneficial to all beyond me, yet in so many ways I feel like a failure.

My heart is much rawer than is used to be...  I feel pain much deeper and more readily than before...  So often I feel I'm not brave enough...  So often I feel overwhelmed and alone...  

I just wish I could open more eyes and open more hearts...