Shy...

I was always shy since I was a very young child...
I never fought back verbally or physically...
I still remember being embarrassed in preschool...
Humiliated in front of the class for making a mistake.
I didn't understand what I was supposed to do...  I just remember the teacher showing everyone my        work, and all the kids laughing.
I remember wetting my pants in preschool and being changed in front of everyone...
I'd malinger, fake coughing because I didn't want to attend preschool...
From the get go I never liked school...

I recall being spanked and being fearful of my mother...
I recall my grandmother pulling my ear and hitting me across the shoulders...

I never fought back physically or verbally...
I just took it...
I became fearful of making mistakes...
And I'm sure I have hidden buried anger deep within...

I wonder if my vegetarianism is a reflection of my childhood growing up...
The shy kid without a voice...
The kid who never fought back...

I wonder if subconsciously, I relate to the animals who have no one to defend them...
Voiceless...
Unable to fight back...

Is my hidden anger related to my vegetarianism?
Do I feel for them, because within the animals being harmed, I see me?

Lately I've been baby-sitting my grandmother...  When she's scared she'll aggressively ask me to turn on the lights, and set the alarm...  She'll aggressively poke at me, digging her finger into me the way one would put out a cigar.

I can feel myself getting irritated.  I want to say stop poking me, but I don't.  I hold it in.  I know she's scared...  And when I feel anger I start to feel guilt...  I feel horrible for feeling such things towards my elder who I'm supposed to respect...  and I know she's just acting out of fear.  I don't know how to reconcile these feelings...  I know I'm supposed to be loving and understanding...  but it's difficult for me to feel these things genuinely...

My voice is still very much muted...  When I'm angry I'm louder...
Can't I just unmute, and speak in a calm, even, loving manner?

And when trying to speak up for animals...  I still haven't reconciled how to properly do that either...

I hope to figure these things out...