Art, Culture, and Religion

Art, culture, and religion show us how we can be united (and divided) via underlying unconscious forces... The underlying currents that flow through us as humans, and expressed in outward forms for us to share in.

Honoring the Mystery by engaging in Art

It seems partaking in "Art", something which isn't clearly defined, as well as asking questions related to "Art": What is the Purpose of Art?.... This is a way of honoring the Mystery... the parts we can't fully know... much like the existential questions of life and death... "Why do we live?" "What happens when we die?" "Why does life itself exist?"

With Living and Art(ing) one can only trudge on, holding onto whatever beliefs one has about the subjects... perhaps believing fully in one's viewpoint on such matters... But not fully knowing the answers for sure. The Mystery remains mystery.

People are Not as Conscious as We Often Make Them Out To Be

Beneath the facade of "kindness" and "proper behavior" exists strong impulses which lead to behaviors we typically label as "brutish", "barbaric", "unkind", "improper". We tend to assume that humans are more in control of their behavior than they really are. We place responsibility of human behavior onto conscious will, as if "we should know better", as if we can completely dictate and control all of our own behaviors.

As humans we have conscious will... but our reserves are quite limited, with many other processes (usually related to survival) running in the background. When the reservoir runs dry, what lies beneath is more easily exposed. And what lies beneath is often bigger and stronger than any one individual.

I Love Words

Words... I love words and how they are able to convey or come close to capturing and expressing an experience, an impulse, a drive, a reaction... of that which is either internal or external... concrete or abstract.

Every now and then I ponder upon words that reflect what I currently admire:

- magnanimity: since falling in love with words after studying them for a standardized test, upon learning this word, I was immediately drawn to it. It reflects some of my highest personal goals. The word seems to repeatedly come up in my psyche

- passion and compassion: these words to me reflect some kind of strong drive toward a feeling of wholeness and connectedness toward those forces that feel bigger than my conscious experience

- harbinger: I don't know why, but this is the word currently permeating my mind. I guess I really admire those who help show the way for others... a beacon, a light for those who which to venture upon a similar path

- creativity and imagination

- courage and persistence

A lot of these qualities I wish for more of in myself... I often wonder what qualities are qualities I myself can fully embody versus qualities that are more complimentary, qualities that others more fully embody and can help to support me in areas where I'm not as skilled or strong. I wonder how to differentiate between the two.

Impactful Randomness

Sometimes I think there exists underlying impulses within me, just waiting for an opportunity to get out... waiting for a chance to be realized in the material world...

I remember a time when I thought "I'm glad I'm not into photography, as it's a very expensive hobby", observing the hobbies some of my relatives were into. Then one day I randomly find an old film camera, an Olympus Om-1, in my parents' attic. The camera belonged to my sister's ex-husband, and found its way to my parents' attic when, while still a couple, my sister and her then husband moved out of state, and needed a place for their extra stuff.

Out of curiosity I wanted to try it out... but it was an all manual camera, and I wanted to try something safer... trying out another camera that was left behind at my house, one belonging to a cousin of mine. The automated camera didn't work properly, so I went ahead and tried to learn as much as I could about film photography and exposure.

Years later I find myself buying, collecting, and shooting a bunch of film cameras. Somewhere along the line I fell in love with the look and process of shooting with film. The aesthetic appealed to me when I first fell in love, after seeing other people's imagery... There was something about the texture and painterly look that I really liked... And now the aesthetic continues to appeal to me, even when comparing to purely digital images. I experience a sense of stillness when viewing a lot of images that come out of film cameras. I don't know if it's the grain, the texture, or some kind of placebo effect of me believing I'm looking at a film photo... but it's the stimulation I seek in photography: stillness, and what feels like a tangible sense of depth to me.... I want to feel something summoned from within me.

Some time last year, as an attempt at furthering my ear training, I came up with the random idea of copying songs into notation from my Nintendo DS game, Daigasso Band Brothers. I found the free program Musescore online, and started the process of inputing songs from the game into the program. After a short while I got bored doing that and decided to play around with the program... and suddenly I found myself putting together my own songs... I found a new and interesting obsession, and was able to come up with stuff I enjoyed... enjoying both the process, as well as the end product (well... mostly enjoying... The beginning of a song is the easiest and filled with the most enthusiasm, but in the middle of working on a song I can become frustrated or tired of the song, I can become doubtful of what I'm doing, wanting to throw it all away)

My most recent impulse was also ear training related. I was looking for instruments that are helpful for improving intonation, something portable, where I could learn on the go, wherever I am. Searching online, someone on an old message board suggested erhu. I googled erhu and immediately liked it... found some videos online... and somehow that led to me buying an otamatone. Upon playing the Otamatone, I didn't feel completely satisfied... I was looking into erhu again, but eventually decided on violin, since I could buy more locally with less risk in case of damage or not liking it. I self-taught myself violin for about two or three months and made what I think is foundational progress... I still don't know what it will lead to if anything... Observing my patterns, I do know that I'm a seeker of aesthetics and the various feelings that come from indulging in various aesthetics.

Many years ago, my desire for aesthetic stimulation wasn't as conscious or readily apparent to myself. I think perhaps it has always been there but somehow buried... or maybe it developed as a result of random living experiences. For now all I know is that I become obsessive over things that weren't on my radar before... random events revealed some of my inner-thirsts or desires... a thirst for finding what feels fulfilling to me (at least fulfilling for that time period. lol)

The Mystery... Honoring and Acknowledging

The path I continue to walk on... Attempting to honor and acknowledge The Mystery seems to be an ongoing theme... The desire to depict, to jot down those unconscious impulses rising from the imagination... To acknowledge those forces that are stronger than an individual's will. I recall that many years ago I used to often say "volition is not pure"... and somehow I keep revisiting that theme and how it relates to our treatment of ourselves and other people... how it relates to moral judgment or non-judgment... how it relates to coping, to understanding, to acceptance... and to surrender.

In my mind The Mystery... the many forces of the unconscious, while not blatantly obvious or visible... these forces are bigger than any single human individual. I think perhaps all that can be done is try to document or put together a sliver of what is revealed (without trying to grasp or possess)... and if there are forces pushing one to pay attention, then perhaps all one can do is do their best to go along for the ride... I may not be responsible for what arises out of my imagination, but a part of me feels like it's important to somehow let what comes up shine in the material physical world... to share that part of our world...

"What Do You Do?".... "I Do Nothing"

The question of what I do continues to be a source of sorrow for me. I don't do anything that people pay me for. At times I feel like I don't do anything... that it's like I don't exist... that I don't do many things that others value... that I don't really make a significant contribution to this thing we call life. It concerns me greatly that I consume more than I contribute.

But then today I pondered upon my past photographic work I've done... I thought about words I have written... I thought about musical ideas I have tried to write down or play... And I suddenly have a vague sense that "I exist(ed)"

In the moments of pondering if I ask myself what I do... I suppose I attempt to capture fleeting moments, fleeting thoughts, fleeting ideas... And I hope there is somehow meaning behind the fleeting. I seek to capture those moments I find moving, appealing, or somehow significant to me, and hope that what I capture can somehow bottle up the essence of that experience, even if just a little. And somewhere behind all of my actions I secretly hope that what I do is somehow worthwhile, and that it matters... that I actually do contribute something, rather than nothing...

Religion Often Tries to Tame

Religion often tries to tame many of our unconscious impulses...
And yet religion itself is often an unconscious impulse...

Fear: The First and Final Frontier

Fear...
The first and final frontier...
The thing that tells me I want to be alive...
That I thirst to continue on this thing called life...

And yet it's a feeling I wish to avoid...
A confusing space...
A space I often wish to be relieved of...
A place I wish to run from...

Different parts of my brain getting crossed up during the journey
One part wishing to preserve life...
Another part confused, thinking it wants to avoid life...
But another part knowing that what is wanted is a fulfilled life

One that brings peace of mind
Peace of heart
And peace of soul

When People remind me of Myself

When people remind me of myself... I'm often not surprised by their actions... even if others might be...

Some stars in the night sky... the ones I really admire, wishing to be more like... I feel sorrow when their light suddenly goes dim... and yet I also hope that their light somehow found some relief from all the surrounding dark...

In Search of Medicine

I have recently concluded that I think my overall narrative or theme is that of "trying to feel good" or "trying to feel as good as possible"... It's like I'm always in search of medicine... whether in the form of music, photography, connections, fulfillment of curiosity... I'm in search of medicine for my heart, mind, and body...

A Mindset I keep trying to hone in on

There is this mindset, one free of fear and self-consciousness.... one free of the concept of "success and failure"... that I keep trying to hone in on. It's one of engagement, exploration, play, and fulfillment of my own curiosity... And yet when I keep thinking of "authority figures", I can't help but fall back into a mindset based on fear, approval, and reassurance from others that I'm doing something "the right way." I know it's not really "the right way" but the way other's might want it to be done... Or maybe those others just preach that something "ought to be done" a certain way because it is what was instilled into them during the learning process. And behind the "ought to be done" a certain way there exists some kind of fear of punishment... rejection... something that feels threatening on a deep level.

Perhaps at its core... what I'm really hoping for is a mindset where I'm okay to both live and die... freedom from the fear and anxiety... The comfort that comes from a harmonious state of being... But then again, perhaps my own desire for comfort hinders the process of reaching the mindset itself... Hmmm...

Our Current Level of Skill

No matter who we are, we are always working within our current level of skill. Our skill sets also involve our skillful dealing with our varying emotional, mental, and physical states, each shifting from time to time, each presenting a different challenge.

Perhaps the idea of "doing our best", which implies there is a state of "not doing our best" is a misnomer. For every given moment and situation, we actually are already doing our best based on how skillful we are for the given circumstances. We may have flashes of brilliance, but often times those only give us glimpses of where we are trying to get to.

Every situation, every encounter where our skill sets are challenged, no matter the outcome, are constant opportunities for learning... And within learning there also exists a sub-skill set of "learning to learn".

Also interesting to note, we are often judging ourselves and others for "not doing their best"... When in fact we were actually doing our best, but were unskillful for that particular situation, and we feel sorrowful that we could not get the outcome we desired, or the outcome that others desired. Judgment in the form of punishment often creates tension, which hinders relaxation, which hinders the learning process, slowing the process of learning how to get desired outcomes... With all of that said, learning to adopt a mindset that fosters learning is also a skill to be developed... There is judgment involved in all actions taken, but perhaps it's better to use judgment to label an outcome as desired or undesired.

The Ugliest of Raw Materials

I find it strange that it's often out of the ugliest of raw materials that beauty is created. Somehow honoring the experience of the most challenging parts of our humanity, there's beauty in that expression, in that acknowledgement.

Aspirations and Role Models

I find myself aspiring to some kind of frame of mind, a way of being... that is both receptive, yet influential. I catch myself in awe of people, admiring qualities I wish I had in myself.

Those I greatly admire, it feels like there's a generosity of spirit, and a kind of grace they exhibit. They are humble, yet have a kind of relaxed self-assured quality to them. There's a quality of support, of being a good teammate... a feeling of "we're all in this together." There's a quality of simultaneous learning and teaching, participating in a cycle that helps to nourish, replenish, and renew... There's a feeling of expansiveness to it all... a welcoming receptive expansiveness...

Why Are There So Many Human Languages?

Today as I walked with my dog, I overheard two people conversing... and I suddenly wondered "Why do we have so many languages?" We as humans have many different sounds to convey the same or similar ideas or experiences. Sharing a common language is often a kind of group identifier and creates boundary conditions via comprehension. There is even language within language-terminology, jargon, etc-that often signifies areas of interest or focus. Perhaps that's what language is at its core? An identifier of group or territory? Yet beneath all the different sounds or mediums to convey ideas, there still exists the common human experience of trying to live as best as we know how, trying to survive, grow, evolve, cope with the experience of living...

Association via Geographical Location

As a human, there's a good chance that one will form associations or affiliations based on one's geographical location... Being born and raised in one locale creates group ties we often don't even question, as they are ingrained early on, creating a host of assumptions, practices, etc.... Being born again by landing in a new foreign land sometimes also has the same effect, attempting to assimilate with the current group majority.

I am a Los Angeles Laker fan... This is because I grew up in Southern California, cheering for who I saw on TV, cheering for who my parents cheered for... I am still a fan...

If by happenstance I were born and raised in another location, it's very likely I'd have another set of affiliations I identify with. Maybe I'd associate with a team I currently consider a rival... Maybe I would associate with a group I currently consider "an enemy"... Maybe the group I currently consider to be "the good guys", the group I currently associate with, maybe I would consider my current group to be "the enemy"... Very rarely does anyone want to consider themselves to be the "bad guys" the "people in the wrong".  So often Truth is whatever current perspective or narrative or affiliation we currently adopt. It feels better to "be right", "to be good", "to be the chosen ones", etc, etc...

Opportunities that arise from Fear?

There are opportunities that arise from the experience of Fear...

One that I know of is Courage: When we're able to come closer to that which we fear, it's often an act of courage. Coming closer allows for something new to arise out of the situation. There is opportunity to shine light on the dark.

The darker side that often arises out of fear is that of distancing. Fear is often related to those things which we know little of, and distance only serves to increase such fears even further. At times distance does help to create safety... but sometimes fear manifests as increased potential for violence: physical violence where we're more willing to kill another being (out of our own fear of being killed)... psychological violence, where we no longer give other beings equal consideration (we belittle their existence, as we strongly cling to our own existence), we stop hearing the life inside other beings, their own wants, desires... their fears, their hopes... And in a strange twist of fate, that which we fear often comes closer to us the moment we choose to engage in violence out of fear: we plant seeds of fear in others, who will now also be willing to engage in acts of violence towards those they fear.

Group Narratives

Typically as social beings we feel safety in a group... And to remain part of a perceived group, an individual must maintain the group narrative, otherwise the individual risks being ousted or outcast... A danger to our psyche as social beings.

Each group narrative becomes its own religion... the narrative like a god to be worshipped... to have faith in... to be abided by... The narrative becomes a source of Morality... Those who follow are "Good", while those who don't follow are "Bad" or "Evil."

Group narrative is seen as Truth, and we rejoice when others echo the same narrative, as if it's an assurance of our own correctness... our own "Goodness."

The Eyes and The Heart

The Heart affects what the eyes can see...

Signs and Symbols and Being Born into a Culture Not of My Ancestors

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have imagery and symbols ingrained into my head of people who look like me. What would change in my psyche related to the attached meaning and assumptions connected to those symbols?

As it stands, I have grown up in the U.S. And even if I grew up in my parents' native country, a long colonized by other countries... I might still be missing symbols that are more closely related to culture of my ancestors. When I think of the holidays, my brain automatically thinks of Christmas... I think of a rotund white guy in a red and white suit. When I think of religious symbols, the image of Christ, I see a skinny white guy on the cross. These symbols of redemption and rebirth in my mind are white people. If I think of these symbols as being related to power, then I might automatically associate power with white people.

When choosing to assimilate into a culture, those who do not possess the majority look, face the decision of abandoning many of their own symbols. There is an act of submission so as to not cause further outward conflict. There exists the narrative of trying to prove oneself and one's allegiance. It's like there is integration by death of one's own heritage and culture... a trade in order to try to keep on living physically.

Signs and symbols are often used to try to create a unifying narrative... but sometimes it seems as if they exist to show which culture is in charge.

When I can, I save Bees...

Passing by the backyard pond, when I can, I save bees that have fallen into the water, struggling to swim ashore, trying to avoid drowning in the very thing that offered them nourishment. When I spot them, I scoop them up with the pond skimmer, allowing them to hopefully continue with their contribution that helps to support the life of all of those that rely on flowers, fruits, plants, and the like.

There are times I do kill bugs though... when I feel threatened, I don't hesitate to kill. If an ant bites me, if in a moment of anger, I will kill out of my strong desire for comfort and protection. I've killed ants trying to get into food sources... I will often place my own survival needs before those of ants. And part of me feels sorrowful, knowing that ants, like all living beings, are doing their best to keep living and surviving the best way they know how...

I want to protect life... but I also want to protect my own life... And sometimes it seems those two things come into conflict... All I can do to offer myself some solace when distressed is to tell myself I'm doing the best I can for each given moment... If I were stronger, wiser, more capable... I'd make a different decision... but often I am not...

Power... What is it Good For?

As I contemplate the value of Power and what it's good for... Ultimately I believe power is good for protecting, especially protecting those who might be unable to protect themselves in some situations.

The idealist in me wants to believe in The Benevolent Leader... One who not only leads, guides, and inspires... but also protects all those under the leader's rule.

To Walk Down a Path Alone and Not Alone

Reflecting back, it seems like some of the areas I have found the most fulfillment involve me walking down a path alone... yet at the same time it wasn't alone.

The physical steps and actions were mine to take, where I had to put one foot in front of the other... but beneath those steps was what feels like an underlying force compelling me (or even at times possessing me--or what felt like possession), to traverse in one direction or another. Often someone or something or some event in my experience would uncover this strong force beneath, a force that would help to support and fuel my own physical journey.

My journey of walking down a path of consistently eating a plant-based diet is a good example of "walking alone and not alone." I was exposed to the idea from different sources. I saw the maps that others had taken, that the journey was indeed possible. And I felt strongly compelled to go and walk down that path, for better or for worse, not really knowing fully the implications of doing so, only knowing that it would have some outcomes I desired.

The process of learning to play guitar is another example. One day I randomly felt inspired by the play of others... uncovering any latent desire beneath... And then I had to go and physically undergo the actions needed to learn how to play, but with that strong support from something within driving me toward that direction.

I have often thought I have taken some paths one my own, but now reflecting upon it, it's as if the journeys were alone in taking the physical actions needed, yet not alone, because psychically there were strong forces accompanying the journey.

Afterthought: It's like I can't really take much credit for doing some of those things I feel most proud of or most fulfilled by. Perhaps I can take some credit in surrendering to the psychic forces involved, but I can't claim the action fully.

The Cloud that Hangs Over me

Safety, consideration, support, acceptance, trust, autonomy... These very human needs connected to my very strong desire to live with the most enjoyment possible... The raging storm brewing below, winds full of debris, ready to leave a wake of tattered cloth in need of constant repair.... until calmness, waiting for the next storm to arrive... wishing to exist within the eye of upcoming storms... never knowing if I can find the key to do so...

I Don't Know How to Escape My Brain

This brain that I was born with full of predisposition... This brain shaped by so many experiences over a long period of time... This brain quickly jolted and sculpted by the strongest of emotional experience... This brain that continually formulates and abides by many narratives...

So many times I want to follow a different storyline... or at least I think I want to follow a different storyline... and then I fall right back into the same grooves.... I re-live the same patterns... re-live many of the same memories, even those which feel painful to uncover beneath the dirt which I try to cover it...

I'm locked in... and I don't know how to get out...

The Soft Glowing Light in The Dark

A soft glowing radiant light in among the night sky
Ready to sing a song of renewal and sweeping change...
But not until the proper preparations have been made...
A reluctant destruction

The Raw Potential Programming within DNA

Within DNA there exists raw potential programming, allowing for a multitude of cellular expression... I wonder how all of that raw potential information and programming came to be... how all the various forms were encoded DNA, allowing interaction and change with the environment.

Living as an Act of Consumerism?

All living beings, in order to keep on living, to keep on surviving, must consume... Our basic physiology demands that we must consume the living or once-living. Something living must always die, with its organic matter being transmuted into energy  for another living thing to live.

But it seems as a human being, in order to live in a way that feels fulfilling, we must create a balance by also somehow contributing back to the life that we must take. Bearing some kind of fruit or nectar from nourishment taken in seems to be important.... to somehow add to the sweetness of living...

For Humans to Soar

For humans to soar and reach more of their potential... there's often a common story of having to rely on many people to help take care of our many needs. A lot of resources are needed to create a foundation from which to build upon, creating an opportunity to focus energy and effort on specific areas to create adaptations within the mind, body, spirit, etc. The act of everyday living can transformed into acts of creation, new learning, growth, and renewal.

Acknowledging and Becoming Aware of Our Instinctual Reactions

I wonder if part of the human journey is to acknowledge and become aware of our many instinctual reactions (perhaps our more primitive survival parts?), while not becoming completely controlled or overwhelmed by those instinctual animalistic parts... In an ever evolving environment, it seems some of our instincts meant to help us survive are actually counterproductive... sometimes for the individual, and sometimes for the human species as a whole.

Beautiful Ghosts

Beautiful ghosts, I see you but cannot touch you
Beautiful ghosts, you live in my world but I cannot live in yours...

What is My Story? What Path Leads to Personal Fulfillment?

There's a tendency for people to live by some kind of narrative... A narrative both lived by and promoted. Those who are lucky are able to find there own hero's journey, which puts them on a path of great fulfillment. Finding one's most fulfilling storyline is often difficult because of the many storylines we each live by.

When placed upon a path that resonates, there is increased opportunity to bloom, for the path itself is like sustenance for underlying forces waiting for nourishment. While traversing our own path can open up opportunity for creation, stubbornly clinging to our own path can be destructive. Trying to force feed what nourishes us to others can lead to a kind of starvation of the soul and spirit. Not allowing room for various individual paths is suffocating to all involved.

All that said, I continue to wonder what my most fulfilling storyline is... I guess seeking more fulfilling ways is a storyline itself. lol. So perhaps that's part of the core of my own storyline. I think learning to give more consideration to my own storyline, as well as the storyline of others is likely a strong part of my narrative... and learning how to balance and traverse the various storylines involved...

Sun, Shields, and Shadow

In photography we observe the effect of relationships between a light source, an object, and the resulting shadow. The more intense a light source is, the stronger the shadow cast will be. The further away the light source is from an object, the harder the edges, the more well-defined a shadow becomes. Moving the light source closer helps to soften some of the edges. Also, the more directly a light source hits an object, the stronger the shadow formed will be. Indirect light helps to soften and diffuse any shadow edges.

In nature, very intense light sources help to create energy, to help sustain life... yet at the same time, a very intense light source can burn, damage, and even destroy an object through overexposure.

It seems our psyches might work with the same principles seen in nature and photography... Our thoughts, our emotions, our bodies, our instinctual natures... We shield these in many ways resulting in different kinds of shadows. That which is hidden gains a kind of seductive strength in the dark, with the shadow always attached to the object.

Our own vantage points, where we cast our own light onto objects, also creates shadows largely hidden from our own sight. Where we focus our gaze can also affect the clarity of our vision and awareness. Staring directly into the sun can result in blindness... Yet trying to see in areas without light, we as humans cannot see at all. It's the interplay of highlights, midtones, and shadows that allows us to see shapes and forms.

Aesthetic Taste?

Today, after viewing photos I took... I think I've determined that my personal aesthetic taste tends to involve mixing reality with a kind of dream-state... Where different spaces meet?

Balance

Typically I have a strong need to balance out my seriousness with humor, and it's a need I'm typically aware of and pay attention to... But there's an area of imbalance that I'm less likely to pay attention to... It relates to communicating what's going on inside of my related to my own desires, wants, and areas of fulfillment... Along with not communicating my own needs, most of the time I also do not communicate any insights I might have related to the needs I perceive in others. It's like I'm withholding of that information. I won't verbalize what I see, even if I likely know what's going on.

Everyone has their own heroes journey, where they typically must endure some kind of discomfort in order to reach a new place... Perhaps the area of communication with others is one of my obstacles. (And yet as I type this I find myself stubbornly clinging to my typical pattern)

Soot

I sit in darkened smoke and I breath
I see across the horizon the cool clean air
I see the oceans edge along the bluffs
And yet I refuse to move...
Continually breathing in the ashen air...
As if enjoying the suffocating cocktail...
A miasma fueling embers below...
Searing embers I refuse to let go of

Undifferentiated Substance or Psyche?

In biology there exists undifferentiated cells we call "stem cells" that can apparently be acted upon by many sets of instructions in order to take on many different forms. Currently science is able to use stem cells in order to generate new healthy cells, helping with regeneration and repair.

If there exists stem cells for the physical body, I wonder if there is a way to access what might be the analogous to the psyche... Is there some way to access restorative, regenerative, repair properties in a similar manner? And how many sets of fundamental instructions are there for the psyche (assuming there are instructions)?

Below The Threshold of Awareness

I'm curious to know how much actually lies below the threshold of my conscious awareness. Lately I've been noticing areas of tightness and pain throughout my body, but only because I have been actively exploring. I have recurring holding patterns in my muscles that keep returning to that state of holding if I don't continuously and actively palpate and press upon those areas.

It's only when my body is suddenly hit with very noticeable pain do I realize how much tightness exists outside of my normal awareness. It's as if I get used to certain movement patterns within a limited range of motion, without realizing prior borders have shifted.

When dealing with the body one can physically palpate and probe to find any latent tightness or active trigger points... But when it comes to the psyche, I wonder what can act in a similar manner... How can one palpate in order to reveal what is hidden? How can one be more aware of typical patterns of behavior? And like the body, how much can change? And at what rate do adaptations occur? And if there are limitations to how much adaptation can occur, how can one know where those limitations exist?

Paths

Time and time again, each branch will continually try to reach for and move towards what it considers to be The Sun. The is movement and change along that path.

The Traveler

Traveling from place to place, moment-to-moment, season-to-season...
Chasing... Seeking... Longing for a place to feel settled in...
Yearning for that elusive space of home...
Only to discover that perhaps home in is all of the places...
All of those pockets, those spaces in time...
Each interaction... Each awe inspiring moment...
Revealing some facet of totality

Your Song

Your song is the night
Ever so slowly smoldering in the darkness
Waiting and longing for the union to be
Hunger fulfilled in the melding
Of all that was
All that is
And all that will ever be

The tale that unfolds like the tides in moonlight
Coming and going
Coming and going
Always ready to meet along a sinuous border
The calm and warm surrender
The all-encompassing embrace filling each crack, each crevice
The cup overflowing with radiant abundance
Until the veils fall away to reveal the shimmering hidden light

Compulsion

Whether from conditioning, predisposition, wiring, or whatever.... it seems like we all have our areas of compulsion, where we can't help but go in a certain direction, for better or for worse. I'm wondering how much being cognizant of our compulsions can affect our actions. Is there room for change? If so, how much? Or for the most part do we just have to work with the cards that we have? Or perhaps there are some cards that we can't swap out, but some cards we can through adaptation and brain plasticity.

The Marriage of Instincts/Unconscious Drives with Conscious Awareness

A large part of the human experience is the interplay of our conscious awareness and our more unconscious side. Much of the dance we do with daily living is greatly affected by these. Finding a way to harmoniously blend the conscious and unconscious seems to be part of the path.

I find a lot of my own struggles have to do with Knowing about something, yet still being unable to create an adaptation or change that addresses that knowing. The simplest act of eating or physical exercise greatly reflects the interaction. My conscious awareness knows the long-term benefit to my physical health, yet another part of me wants to go in a different direction!

So my question continues to be... How on earth do we harmoniously blend the different parts of ourselves, honoring what often seems like opposing parts.

Denial Vs. Expression

When it comes to keeping things in versus fully expressing ourselves, I wonder if there is some kind of ideal balance...

For some, hearing the expressions of others might give comfort to know that others can empathize... For others, they might not want to hear about some of the darker sides of life, wanting to keep those parts at bay.

The Perfection Bug

The Perfection Bug
Lurking in the shadows
Always ready to strike
Especially during moments of culmination
The potential leaps toward something more

Fear, doubt, and paralysis
Await with each of its bites
Diverting all energy
Sucking away the life force
The heart weakens
The knees grow weak
The mind races
While the tears flow

To tremble and continue to walk:
Left, right, left, right
To trudge forward as an act of courage
To live faithfully and with acceptance for what IS
Is to do battle with The Perfection Bug

Weeds

I find something admirable about weeds... They're these plants, often unwanted, often fought against, and yet they keep coming back over and over again, in so many varied and adverse conditions... finding life in the cracks. I wonder if there's a way to become more like a weed... Or maybe perhaps there are aspects of our psyche that are like weeds, continuing to try to sprout no matter what...

Remembering My Loves

One of my favorite things is to fall in love over and over again, often with the same things but different time periods. Often it's a matter of remembering or becoming reacquainted... suddenly feeling moved... taken... engaged... entranced... coming home again.

Our Blip in History

So often we want to give evidence to our existence... to our brief time of physical existence on this plane... to leave some kind of legacy related to our experience... An act of procreation, leaving behind our genetic traces... An act of creation, leaving behind works that reflect our own experience of material existence. We try to document our lives in the form of photographs, writing, videos... Our Stories. Perhaps we are all trying to contribute to this vast pool of information that ultimately continues to influence and shape an ever evolving mass... If that's the case, ultimately I wonder where it is we're trying to go.

Harmony in Composition?

When looking at or experiencing harmony in composition, whether it's in the form of imagery or music, there's a feeling of settledness... a kind of energy satisfied that reveals itself when disparate parts seemingly work well together. I believe this reflects my underlying conceptualization, my underlying desire for taking what seems separate and different, and somehow making it work together as a whole... a kind of balanced coexistence, each part playing a role...

Hunger

Hunger is an interesting force... It can help to drive us in a direction we're focused on, moving toward whatever it is we seek, even energizing us to go toward that direction... At the same time hunger can also consume us like ulcers hidden away but felt... All that we wish for... All that we desire... when latched onto can eat away at us and cause pain and suffering... Pleasure and Pain... Pain and Pleasure... Swinging too far in either direction often brings us close to death... Sometimes actual physical death... Sometimes mental death... reawakening...

Brain Plasticity as an Inner and Outer Phenomenon?

Based on a few readings about brain plasticity, it seems that every action we take from moment-to-moment creates changes in the brain. So it seems wise to try to be aware of the grooves we are carving, because it ultimately affects our own brain's wiring. A lot of our responses also depend on the actions of others... there's an interaction involved. So perhaps brain plasticity is both inner and outer, as we influence each other through our interactions. I think about my own ideals and beliefs... How I believe one of the fundamental challenges of being a Human Being is the idea of coexistence... and often what we define as "good" or "evil" relates to ways in which we go about coexisting, related to our own wants, needs, desires, preferences, and likes/dislikes. My own idealism wishes for equal consideration and respect, so it would be my own desire to try to find ways of cultivating that (while also acknowledging the ways I do not give equal consideration and respect... and why I might withhold.. what is it that I want from a situation) Perhaps both the inner and outer are like a garden to be nurtured, cultivated... Perhaps we are like trees... part of us rooted, yet another part of us with branches that change in response to ever-changing environments...

Married to One's Identity or Consciousness...

For better or for worse... In sickness and in health... lol So often I feel like I'm a poor partner to myself... of accepting my patterns, my tendencies... "If only I were more like this, or like that! I'd be happier!" So much of what I do I believe to be harmful to others... and yet I stay true to course... For better or for worse... Probably more For Worse. lol... But then I also have moments where I think staying true really is of benefit... Perhaps my marriage to myself can't be perfect... it can't remain static or stable... Rather, it's full of "adventure".

Is there Value to My Inner-Crazy, My Dark, My Unstable Parts?

One thing I often find I can rely on in myself is an ever-changing internal landscape... Basically, I can be really moody. lol. There are times the sun is suddenly covered by dark clouds... The lightness of being, the laughter, the joy suddenly becomes hidden. And my general response to things changes... I'm more likely to feel irritated and agitated over random things... And while it seems like a part of me is away on vacation, another part of me makes its presence known. A lot of times when the laughter disappears, I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to be learning something? I often think I'm supposed to be learning something... like I'm attributing significance to my experience... maybe as a way of coping. But what if I'm not supposed to try to cope, but somehow surrender? I wind up at the place I often wind up... wanting to know if there is a point or purpose... wanting to believe there is... and yet feeling like I can't fully know.

Being Human is Being Somewhere In Between?

Perhaps being human entails being somewhere in between. No matter how much we try to define ourselves in one way, part of us still exists in another. Our brains, while highly adaptable in one section, still contain more instinctual and primal parts. And even when we try to remain undefined and open in some areas, there likely exists parts of us more set in stone. Areas where we might be highly conscious can lead to areas highly overlooked. And while we are very creative and can find ways of dealing with nature and instincts, a lot of what might seem to be beyond instinct might actually be very honed instinct.

The Ineffable

I'm wondering how we can come close to capturing and expressing what feels like the ineffable... If I were given a magical wish, being able to appreciate, capture, and express the essence of various people/things/happenings would be what I hope for...

Clarity through Distillation

Events like a funnel attracting condensate Each drop drawn to the next until union Gathering momentum with increased gravity Until distilled to the point where one can no longer ignore An awareness of something, a revelation that leads to Lasting Impression As if seared into one's being, but perhaps something that had existed prior...

Flowery Documentation of Experience

I was asking myself why I photograph (or write, or even play music)... and the answer that popped up in my head was "flowery documentation of experience." I believe that's one of my "things" that I'm really into. Flowers flowers everywhere!

Two of My Drugs of Choice: Avoidance and Engagement

So often I feel caught up in a kind of addiction with two seemingly polar actions... Avoidance and Engagement. With avoidance I feel like I struggle and fight, caught up in the strong tumble of a breaking wave... suffocating while wanting to reach the surface, yet somehow strangely attracted to the struggle... a struggle where I constantly think of myself. I'm in constant fear, with questions of identity and worth. Then there's the other kind of action I feel drawn too which requires engagement. There exists a kind of mild bliss from being fully engaged to the point where thoughts of self vanish. Self-consciousness drops away into the background and the spotlight shines brightly only on the direction in which I'm headed. There's a sense of going along for the ride and seeing where it takes me... riding the wave and adjusting my line in accordance with whatever it is comes up, being open and aware... being fully present in one way, but absent in another... I seem to get caught up in each kind of addiction for extended periods of time. I wonder if either has withdrawal effects, creating desire... But since each seems opposed to the other, a kind of longing will be created either way.

Respite

A warm luminescent light within oppressive darkness Reawakening our eyes to that which fills us To that which replenishes Warmth reignited, coursing through our being Remembrance of Joy

Developing an Okayness with Suffering?

I think much of my time is devoted to trying to develop an okayness with suffering using a variety of frameworks... A search for meaning and purpose, with the hope that any kind of discomfort "is worth experiencing" for the sake of some kind of purpose/goal. Or using religious frameworks of surrender and letting go, in hopes of entering into a different state of being where the experience of suffering is something to be sat with until it is changed (with secret hopes of transmutation). Or using quotes like "and this too shall pass" creating patience to wait it out. Or the idea of training and enduring for the sake of a hoped for goal, a kind of quest to reach a different level through one's constant efforts. Or using an experience and channeling the residual energy of it, in order to create something that will perhaps be of benefit to myself or to others... Or to use an experience as the basis for empathy and understanding for others... Lately I've been trying to frame suffering in terms of our animal nature, where many of our instincts drive us in one direction or another, affecting our neurotransmitters. The idea that pleasure or discomfort are a kind of guide toward survival, and that there are going to be experiences of ups and downs because of our chemical systems. Overall, I guess my main strategy of seeking okayness is the desire to make suffering count for something. In this way, I am goal orientated... I want some kind of result... yet still lingering in my thoughts is a fear that there is no purpose... A fear that all of the experience is in vain...

Music Scribble from Feb28

The Power of Words in the Form of Text

It's interesting to think how words on a page or a screen... the thoughts that belong to another... can have such profound effects. Sparking inspiration, helping to reveal facets perhaps covered, enlightening one about the way something might work, guidance or advice from another... Though at the moment what I reflect upon is the emotions that can be triggered when reading something that hits home... sometimes a little too close to home... Thought of another entering our own consciousness and resonating so strongly that there's a shift in our being... an acknowledgment of truth for better or for worse.

Looking at the rippled reflection I feel shaken at the image I see...