Sometimes I think there exists underlying impulses within me, just waiting for an opportunity to get out... waiting for a chance to be realized in the material world...
I remember a time when I thought "I'm glad I'm not into photography, as it's a very expensive hobby", observing the hobbies some of my relatives were into. Then one day I randomly find an old film camera, an Olympus Om-1, in my parents' attic. The camera belonged to my sister's ex-husband, and found its way to my parents' attic when, while still a couple, my sister and her then husband moved out of state, and needed a place for their extra stuff.
Out of curiosity I wanted to try it out... but it was an all manual camera, and I wanted to try something safer... trying out another camera that was left behind at my house, one belonging to a cousin of mine. The automated camera didn't work properly, so I went ahead and tried to learn as much as I could about film photography and exposure.
Years later I find myself buying, collecting, and shooting a bunch of film cameras. Somewhere along the line I fell in love with the look and process of shooting with film. The aesthetic appealed to me when I first fell in love, after seeing other people's imagery... There was something about the texture and painterly look that I really liked... And now the aesthetic continues to appeal to me, even when comparing to purely digital images. I experience a sense of stillness when viewing a lot of images that come out of film cameras. I don't know if it's the grain, the texture, or some kind of placebo effect of me believing I'm looking at a film photo... but it's the stimulation I seek in photography: stillness, and what feels like a tangible sense of depth to me.... I want to feel something summoned from within me.
Some time last year, as an attempt at furthering my ear training, I came up with the random idea of copying songs into notation from my Nintendo DS game, Daigasso Band Brothers. I found the free program Musescore online, and started the process of inputing songs from the game into the program. After a short while I got bored doing that and decided to play around with the program... and suddenly I found myself putting together my own songs... I found a new and interesting obsession, and was able to come up with stuff I enjoyed... enjoying both the process, as well as the end product (well... mostly enjoying... The beginning of a song is the easiest and filled with the most enthusiasm, but in the middle of working on a song I can become frustrated or tired of the song, I can become doubtful of what I'm doing, wanting to throw it all away)
My most recent impulse was also ear training related. I was looking for instruments that are helpful for improving intonation, something portable, where I could learn on the go, wherever I am. Searching online, someone on an old message board suggested erhu. I googled erhu and immediately liked it... found some videos online... and somehow that led to me buying an otamatone. Upon playing the Otamatone, I didn't feel completely satisfied... I was looking into erhu again, but eventually decided on violin, since I could buy more locally with less risk in case of damage or not liking it. I self-taught myself violin for about two or three months and made what I think is foundational progress... I still don't know what it will lead to if anything... Observing my patterns, I do know that I'm a seeker of aesthetics and the various feelings that come from indulging in various aesthetics.
Many years ago, my desire for aesthetic stimulation wasn't as conscious or readily apparent to myself. I think perhaps it has always been there but somehow buried... or maybe it developed as a result of random living experiences. For now all I know is that I become obsessive over things that weren't on my radar before... random events revealed some of my inner-thirsts or desires... a thirst for finding what feels fulfilling to me (at least fulfilling for that time period. lol)
No comments:
Post a Comment