Two of My Drugs of Choice: Avoidance and Engagement

So often I feel caught up in a kind of addiction with two seemingly polar actions... Avoidance and Engagement. With avoidance I feel like I struggle and fight, caught up in the strong tumble of a breaking wave... suffocating while wanting to reach the surface, yet somehow strangely attracted to the struggle... a struggle where I constantly think of myself. I'm in constant fear, with questions of identity and worth. Then there's the other kind of action I feel drawn too which requires engagement. There exists a kind of mild bliss from being fully engaged to the point where thoughts of self vanish. Self-consciousness drops away into the background and the spotlight shines brightly only on the direction in which I'm headed. There's a sense of going along for the ride and seeing where it takes me... riding the wave and adjusting my line in accordance with whatever it is comes up, being open and aware... being fully present in one way, but absent in another... I seem to get caught up in each kind of addiction for extended periods of time. I wonder if either has withdrawal effects, creating desire... But since each seems opposed to the other, a kind of longing will be created either way.