Poison for the Mind and Heart

My egoic mind is poisoning my mind and heart... I can feel it...  The need to be distinct and different is creating resistance and defensiveness within me.  I'm becoming easily irritated and annoyed, a place I usually do not venture...  I'm holding on to labels too tightly... I want "To Be Seen As" and it's affecting me.

C, H, N, O, P, S?

C, H, N, O, P, S = Oneness for materialists?

Do What You Love, but Without Ego

To be in alignment with our more authentic selves, it's wise to do what we love, but without ego.  Though is always a challenge, since what we love is so personal to us.

Ideally what we do is an expression of our inner being, rather than an attempt at creating an outer image.  When we're fully engaged and we self-forget, this is when we act with authenticity.  But when we start to put too much ego into it, we experience too much self-concern.  We become filled with fear. With fear there's a Fight or Flight response, and we can respond in a multitude of ways with the common theme of experiencing afflicted emotions within.

Truly seeing and connecting with others versus having our own eyes constantly pointed at ourselves is key... With true understanding there's a lack of separateness.  To see oneself is to see another.  To see another is to see oneself...

The problem though is that every moment presents a challenge...  Every moment we're faced with our Hero's Journey...  Can we see past the illusion we try to create?  Trying to look like the Hero in our journey versus Being the Hero in our journey...  To recognize the Dragon is to understand.

If There Existed a Creator Who Gave Us Gifts...

If there existed a creator who gave us gifts, what gifts would the creator be pissed off at us or disappointed in us for not using?

The Gift We Can All wish for during the Holidays

To be infused with spirit... with warmth that emanates from within...  This is the gift we can all hope for,  and hopefully receive...

Light Projection

We are light emanating from within.  The way we are is how we see others.  And the way we see others is the way we are.  The image we try to create becomes a filter that distorts reality.  The false shell colors how we see.  If we see others as monsters, the truth is that we ourselves have become the monsters.  If we believe others are looking at us with accusing eyes, we are actually the accuser. If we see the basic good in others, it's a reflection of the light emanating from within.

Facing The Sun

The Sun stands before me
Lighting the way
Yet I grasp onto shadows

Beyond Like and Dislike

Is there a space beyond Like and Dislike?  Perhaps it's acceptance, but yet at the same time it's not complacency.  Perhaps the space is process itself.  I'm unsure...

What Bonds Do We Bring?

When interacting with others, what bonds do we bring?  In something as simple as communication...  Do we share?  Or do we attempt to control?  Which is the more fearless choice?

Beyond Fight Or Flight

Beyond Fight or Flight is Trust...
A courage rooted in faith and fearlessness...
A space beyond the confines of protecting ourselves...

Striking the Mirror

When we strike the Mirror, the Mirror strikes back...

Forgotten Mission

It's only today I was reminded of something I have forgotten...  Why on earth did I even bother studying what I studied...  My mission was to "save my family" from what I viewed to be unnecessary suffering.  I had learned of ways to prevent some of the most common chronic diseases...  But most didn't listen to me.  So I decided to get a degree in nutrition, in hopes that the piece of paper was enough validation for what I was saying.  I was hoping people would actually listen.

Strangely I forgot about my original intention...  And strangely, I've found the most powerful means of influence I have is "influence without influence."  Leaving space for people to come up with their own conclusions, and leaving space for people to make their own decisions...  Somehow that allows for maximal change.  It's like Doing without Doing...  It seems like a paradox, but in many ways it's not.

I still hope the vision I once had is realized, at least partially.  If I can, I hope to reach the people who want to be reached...

Deep Freeze

Deepest freeze
Hidden expansion
Crystallization
Until shattering protective vessels
Raw, exposed, but free

When There's an Ego

When there's an ego, we believe there's something to be built
We believe there's something to tear down
We believe there's something to protect...

We try our hardest to show we are this or that...
We try our hardest to hide that we are not this or we are not that...

Yet there's freedom in Confession...  Admitting that we're not exactly where we want to be... That we're all too human...  There's freedom in not having to protect anything...

Self-preservation

It seems like so much of my suffering is related to self-preservation...  My aggression, trying to protect something...  My anxiety, created out of fear, also trying to protect something...

I'm catching myself more lately, though I'm unsure how to learn to let go of self-preservation...  How do I truly start to see others?

Consequences of a Punishing Attitude

Punishment comes back to us, when we ourselves adopt a punishing attitude.  We rob ourselves of the opportunity to feel joy when dealing with those we want to punish.  We lose our heart connection towards those people, as we harden, as we attempt to withdraw love.  Trying to control others with a punishing attitude destroys connections...  Love closes off, and our hearts begin to suffocate...

Jaguar Teacher

And my jaguar friend teaches me, grabbing hold of my neck, with every intention of letting go... but not until I myself learn to let go... to relax into it with courage... to accept... so that I may learn to be free.

Cleaning and Chipping Away

Cleaning out the muck and mud before it hardens to concrete-like clay...  Chipping away at parts hardened...  so that life can be restored...  Shatter in order to become supple...

Empty, Raw, Full Of Space.
Crust removed from eyes...

Responses While Asleep

In the dreaming world, many of our responses are automatic until we become lucid.
In the waking world, many of our responses are also automatic, until we become more lucid.

The Game of Life

Sometimes I feel everyone else is playing a game I can't play...

The Answer

It's my strong opinion that the answer isn't punishment...
The Answer is connecting to our hearts.

Infinite Sighs

Infinite Sighs
Never Enough
To soothe this longing ache

The Feeling of Loss

If there's one thing I can never seem to get over, it's the feeling of loss.  I'm so ridiculously hypersensitive to loss.  Lost connections, especially to those I felt connected to, it hurts so much.

One of the things I crave most in life is to connect on some deep level...  When I do find those rare connections, and then lose those connections, it hits me so hard and deep...  i just want to sigh continuously...

And ironically, I'm also crappy at maintaining friendships and connections...  So it's like I set myself up for some of my losses...  It's as if one of the lessons I have to learn to deal with in life is how to deal with painful loss...

So far I still don't know how to deal with it...

Gravity

You are The Moon
I am The Water
I rise but come crashing down...

Contributing to the Collective Unconscious

Contributing to the collective unconscious, thus affecting the whole...
This may be the ultimate value to engage in...

For myself, quietly contributing seems to have some appeal...

The Barrier

I find it often takes much to move me...  That there must be a certain intensity, or something has to be on point or feel intimate before I'm totally moved to act...  Otherwise an impression isn't too lasting.

This same barrier seems to at times enhance intimacy, yet at the same time prevent intimacy...

RIP Pumpkin Rooster and Golden Hen

You'll be missed... I'm thankful for you time here...
The bobcat finally got to you guys, in a surprise attack...

Sunrise... Sunset...

Are these hints of what we seek?  The joining of day and night...  Of above and below...  Resulting in a union that gives birth to a new thing...  We can't help but be moved by the beauty of Sunrises and Sunsets...  The soulful union of opposites...  Deep down, perhaps this is why we are moved...

Junkie

To be moved... To be stirred...  Ultimately this is what I seek...
Whether witnessing beauty emanating from an action of another...  Or the actual beauty radiating from a person...  It could be the connection felt while engaged, while immersed in a piece of art, music, film...

That which stirs the soul...  I am a junkie of such things...  Finding those Moments that Move Me at My Core... That is what I seek...

Introverted Feeling and The Cries of the Soul

So I just watched the documentary "Bully" for the first time last night. I found myself yelling and cursing at so many people... the mean kids, some parents, the principal...  It made me think a lot of my Fi values are actually based on Hidden Rage from personal experiences while younger...  I had flashbacks of when I felt encroached upon by others (a pre-school teacher making an example out of me and all the kids laughing at me, bullied/picked on in junior high and high school, etc)...

Like the kids in the "Bully" documentary, no one stepped up to help me (not even my friends), leading to feelings of disconnect and loneliness.  I theorize Fi (at least in my case) is an attempt to be the person we wished were there, a person to help us, to rescue us from a group following the party line...  Fi is an attempt to be someone who hears the cries of the individual Soul...

Crater

I try desperately to continue filling this deep hole within me.  But the dirt and soil so easily washes away, as if nothing else were meant to grow in those deepest recesses any longer.  It's the missing that has a life of its own, creating something completely new  There's just no way to avoid something that reaches so deep.  I can only keep going, as a changed person...

Treasures Beneath the Heart

I've randomly noticed, the title of my blog relates to the exploration of the heart.  For those who believe in chakras, green is related to the heart center.  Darkness is often related to that which is beneath.  The soul is often the goal, the place we long to reach during our inner explorations.

It's the inner exploration I find some of the best parts of myself, yet at the same time the stirrings beneath are difficult to deal with at times.  Sometimes I run away, distracting myself by physical means.  While distraction can often bring a temporary sense of relief, at times I feel dull.

Sometimes it feels like there is Death in Life...  The process of the mundane, the everyday little things needed for the process of physical survival...

Sometimes it feels like there is Life in Death...  Freeing ourselves from ourselves...  Shedding old skin for what's below...  Within the dark there is the hidden light...

It seems like there is a fine balance of going too far in each direction...  How can one be in both places at the same time?  That I do not know...

Where Does the Time Go?

Sands keep slipping through these fingers
Often happening without notice
Yet at the same time
Bits of salt
Seep beneath this skin
Forever changing the essence below

Drifting Dreaming

Drifting and Dreaming
In a land full of what "Is"
I wonder who is really awake

Gifts Differing

I've been obsessed with typology, especially MBTI for the past couple of years.  I've read many books, and many articles online.  I'm finally reading the book written by the creator...

The creator, the same type as I am, never gave up in trying to get her tool created and out there for the benefit of others.  It seems she ran into much opposition from the academic community, and despite the cool, if not hostile opposition, she didn't give up.

She saw the suffering and tragedies of World War II, and hoped to develop something that would at least help avoid or decrease conflicts, thus potentially decreasing suffering in the world.  To her, what she was doing was too important.  Deeply motivated, she kept going.

This is a lesson I must learn from her.  Lately, I feel I'm on the brink of giving up on something I've found to be important for many years now.  My motivation is similar, in that I wish to decrease human suffering.  But I'm deeply frustrated, when the most intelligent of people, fail to hear.

I have to find my resolve over and over again, remembering what it is I'm trying to do...  I must learn to be more like Isabel...  to be more like me...

Thinking the Other Guy IS The Bad Guy

The problem with thinking the other guy is the bad guy...
We tend to justify our own evil actions, saying we're on the side of what is right...
The cycle of blame continues the blind game...
A Bad Guy is someone worthy of being treated as less than in our eyes...
We act how the bad guy would act, but label our actions with different names....

The Dark Dog

Dark dog I thought you went away
I toss my stick, but you come back random days
Dark dog I try to teach you lessons
I put on smiles, but you come back with a vengeance

Dark dog why can't we be friends
I guess I'm scared, and wish it'd somehow all end
Dark dog help dig me out
Dark dog, please show me
What it's all about

The Plunge

They plunge right into their suffering...
Never knowing if they're drowning
Or if they're learning to swim
Do they need a lifeguard?
Or do they become the lifeguard?
With secret dreams of free diving the depths
They plunge

Chasing the Hidden and Photography

Part of my photographic journey involved trying to find beauty everywhere, beyond what was obvious to my eyes.  But now for the sake of balance, I also want to see the ugly, where it's not so obvious...

Perhaps it's the hidden itself that I'm after...  Whether comfortable or uncomfortable places...  To see and to reveal what I fail to see, or what I don't want to see...  The things that attract...  The things that repel...  The opposites that have the power to take over our inner being, creating altered states where we're almost forced to surrender, because it's a power that bends our conscious will...

To access, to touch, to reveal the hidden powerful forces below...  That which totally grabs us, potentially possessing us...  The intangible that feels beyond tangible once plugged into it...

Contact

I whisper in my dreams how I feel
But I guess I talk in my sleep
And I dance the night away...

Lost in space with you in my arms
A gentle forehead lean
I feel hearts racing

A kiss, but not a kiss
A moment, but more than a moment
Completely present, but not present
Completely me, but no longer just

Hidden Self-Aggression

Hidden self-aggression is something I must still explore.  During times of major hurt, I find I have a tendency to think I'm broken, that I need to be fixed.  I find I am punishing towards myself.  I begin to expose major self-loathing that exists within me.  Feelings of "not being enough" rise to the surface.  At my self-aggression's peak, I wish to not exist, thinking the world would be better off without me.

I'm still unsure how to achieve gentleness with myself.  I've seen some clues in a meditation practice of following the outbreath, and gently coming back when going off course.  But I'm unsure how to apply that to my daily living.  Can I really gently come back, without aggression towards myself?  I struggle with self-punishment, yet I also know I'm at my best when I'm gentle with myself.  The irony is that self-punishment is an attempt to "bring out the best" in myself.

How can I remember that the best appears when involved in a gentle process?  Do I need continuous faith?  Do I need to drop self-concern?  Do I need to let go and trust in something more?

False Nihilism?

If one is truly nihilistic, then why does fear even exist if everything is supposedly meaningless.  If everything is meaningless, then all actions wouldn’t really matter.  The truth is probaby that we put too much meaning into something, and it paralyzes us.  Then we tell ourselves that there is no meaning.  If we truly believed there was no meaning at all, then we would be free to act without any type of fear.  We would have true freedom.  No meaning would mean there is absolutely nothing to lose.  Instead we’re attached to something we’re trying to protect.  It’s often the ego we’re trying to protect.

Breeze

Let me be alone in the breeze
So I can attempt to feel my spirit
The one diffused by the pain of losing
Torn apart by time’s inevitable fate.
To be alone in the wind
As if once again
Being touched
The way I once was…

Remembering Our Sacred Space

Assuming we've found or touched our personal sacred spaces, it seems odd that it's often so easy to forget that which brings us into communion with the more...  At times the sublime is found in art, music, film, poetry...  Sometimes we can find it in religion... Others can find it in nature...  We can find it when connecting deeply with others...

Although this other world seems to exist all around, and is accessible to all...  It seems so easy to lose our way...  To the point where we feel empty, since out Inner Sanctum is no longer filled with the nourishment it truly needs...  So what does it take to remember?  How do we stay in touch with that joyful space?

I don't know the answers to the questions...  All I know is that I too easily lose touch...  And losing touch is one of the worst experiences, creating disconnect, loneliness, and a sense of meaninglessness... How do we cultivate what at times seems so elusive?

The Roles We Play

There are some roles that seem to find us, and we can't escape.  For me, it's been the role of an advocate.  I'm constantly in search of other roles, but perhaps I should look into further fine tuning what it means to be an advocate, at least through my own eyes.

So far I know there's an advocate within me, as well as a person who needs to find outlets/means of expression.  I must keep exploring and fine tuning...  finding the inner energies within...  and perhaps finding the fates I cannot escape...

Telling Our Stories

Why is it so difficult to fully express what is sometimes heavy, or what is sometimes partially hidden,
in a way that fully captures the essence of our story?

Is fear a factor? Going places we dare not tread?  Some stories are difficult to face or admit... Is there a fear of failing to capture what is desired?  Or is a lack of skill a real concern?  Can we be so caught up living the story, we lack the ability to step back in order to see, so that we may more fully express the essence of our stories?

Sometimes it feels like the heart wants to sing, but it can't for whatever reason...

Approaching the time of commitment

Tomorrow will mark the 14th year...  The day that hit me and changed my ways...  I was tired of seeing what I viewed as unnecessary suffering.  Perhaps all suffering is necessary in a karmic sense.  I do not know.  But I despised the suffering in family members I saw during this time 14 years ago.  And a cascade of events led me to see more suffering in family members...  People dying of what's preventable.

I used to care more.  I used to want to make a difference in the lives of those around me.  Now I'm not so sure I care as much.

This January I was reminded of the importance of the crusade I was on.  I saw glimpses of the fight in me.  But then I got tired and frustrated.

One thing I've learned over the years is that I cannot deny my connection to people.  I have to have faith in people or else I suffer greatly.  I have to believe in the possibility of positive change.  If I lose that I wither, my spirit shrinks.

I have to remember that during the fight I have indeed helped a few.  Maybe I haven't helped the masses, but for the select few, my crusade has been of benefit.

I'm at a crossroads, questioning if it's all worth it.  The dark side of me is starting to show.  I teeter back and forth.  Hopefully I choose what's for the best.

"I Refuse To Give In."

There's a power to those words.  There's something about pushing against the expectations of others that leads to a kind of stubborn power from within, especially when it involves something I feel isn't right.

I refuse to give in.  I will not give in.  The resistance creates power, or at least in unveils hidden power. I can feel the fires within, an energy surge.

I often seek sources of energy and motivation.  Of all I've known, pushing against others seems to offer up the most, especially when the root is from a place of love.  When I believe there's a better way, and I refuse to give in, something within me is awakened...  A kind of warrior spirit...

I frequently lose touch with that person inside.  But now, perhaps knowing what feeds it, I can tap into more easily.  Hopefully I can use it for the benefit of myself, and for the benefit of the whole...

Happiness and Archetypes

I'm starting to believe that the temporary happiness we achieve is tied to inner Archetypes that exist within us.  Fulfilling the archetype brings a joy with each milestone achieved.  We can see it in movies, where people achieve some happiness when accomplishing some goal.  The guy gets the girl...  The couple have a baby...  The warrior comes out victorious...

Though my question is "What's next?" after something is achieved.  Is there a progression to a new role?  Do some roles require reinvention?  Are some roles more fulfilling long-term than others?

And it leads me to the question of meaning and meaninglessness.  Is meaning achieved by playing the roles?  Do we lose meaning when we don't know or can't fulfill our own roles?  What about times of transition?  Is there lost meaning during that time, goading us into finding new roles?

Celebrate the Fleeting moments

Celebrate and cherish the fleeting moments, even if that time is short.  In celebration we find joy, we find the spirit of the heart.  To acknowledge that we have been blessed by those sublime moments, is to honor with gratitude.  Sometimes loss can take away, yet fill at the same time...

Alternate INFP meaning

INFP= Inappropriate Naughty Faux Pas

Running and Rawness

When I start to approach a raw spot for me, I can feel myself panicking and wanting to run away.  I start to engage in rash actions, losing my normally patient approach.  I must breath and take a step back calmly, and sit in the unfolding.

Currently I can see my fear of social mistakes playing out.  I'm hyperaware when others might be socially inappropriate.  And when I push the boundaries of what is socially acceptable, part of me also worries that I may have pushed too far.  Subconsciously it might be a way of testing out some of my greatest fears, a hidden fear of rejection, a hidden fear of losing connections...

Origins

There are many apple trees
There are many orange trees
There are many pear trees
There are many lemon trees

And then there are those who fall from the same branch...

Typology dynamics: Harmony and clashing

It's interesting to see type dynamics at play.  There's a certain energy involved when dealing with different types.  Sometimes there's a wonderful flow of ideas and connections exchanged.  There can be a wonderful feeling of rapport and connection via communication, as if shared brains.  Other times there can be large bridges to cross, where each side sees completely different things, and fails to find a way to communicate to the other party.  What's obvious to one, isn't obvious to the other.  Both parties often come away feeling frustrated at the disconnect involved.

I've come to learn that there are some bridges I still can't fill in the gap.  I'll see what another person isn't, and I can't convey that, because we're each seeing with different eyes.  And we're triggering and upsetting each other, creating clashes that are difficult to resolve.  Function clashes are real.  Function harmony is also real.

Does the Hero need a Princess???

When embarking on the Heroes journey, I'm wondering if it's possible to take the journey without the search for a princess.  Or is that part of the hero's quest?  Is the opposite energy needed in order to access the deeper parts of him?

Extraneous Strings

How do we know when we're caught by hook, line, and sinker?  If we actually have awareness, then how do we break free?  And are there strings where it's actually wise to trust and follow?  There are certain actions, once in, it's difficult to get out of the labyrinth.  If we know we're in, can we retrace out steps?  Or must we always follow through and face the Minotaur?  Are there strings that guide us in one direction or another?

*Sigh* Not happy with myself at this moment

I want so badly to tap into the hero archetype, reaching deep into my values to be able to overcome my current poor habits.  But I'm stuck, trying to find my way out while treading water.  How do I swim when currently I can barely float?

The goal of Awakening

For me if there is a goal worthy of pursuing, it's that of awakening...  And there are so many paths that can be taken in that direction.  Many of our simplest everyday activities can be used in the practice of awakening.  We can make much of our everyday experience, a practice in awakening.  And since we all have a sphere of influence, whether we realize it or not, our individual awakening is beneficial to the whole.  It's a worth pursuit that influences the All...

Typological Stereotypes

Supposedly my type is known for being able to write.  Currently I don't know if I can write.  I don't know if I have stories within me.  But I know it's something I need to explore, just for the sake of knowing if I fit the stereotype or not.  I like writing thoughts to myself, but I'm not sure if I can write stories just yet...

The Imagination and Reality

I find before purchasing items, it's the thought, the imagination of what I can do with the item that excites me.  I'll imagine what I can do with a camera, and the situations I might use it for.  It drives me to buy the camera for the possibilities that exist within the camera.  Ultimately what's imagined has a chance to be born into reality.

Even in chance encounters I've experienced this.  It starts in the imagination of what could be.  If the imagination stay intact, then reality from those imaginings can also come to fruition...

Unclaimed Flames

I turn my back and I sense flames,
Unsure where these flames belong...
I try to run in hopes the flames can't catch me...
But flames love the sense of urgency...
The turning away and running...
Serves the flame
Feeds the flame

Last Straws

Take the risk that may break the camel's back.  Death may lead to rebirth, new life and vitality...

Levels of Connection

There are connections that reach below the surface of the water
And there are reflections...

The Inner Actor

There was a time I could play Pygmalion professing love for Galatea in from of people...
A time when I could win a debate, convincing others of my view I don't even belief in...

But then after puberty everything changed...  I became overly self-conscious at some point and lost the freedom Acting without Fear...

Tall Tales

Spinning Webs
And Spinning Wheels
Until all we see are Cocoons...

Soul Investigators

The artist uncovers the secrets of the unconscious, touching parts of the soul.  The artist helps others remember what we've always known all along, but may have forgotten...

Everyday Tests

Each day, each moment we have paths to choose.  What do we choose?  Do we choose the material?  Do we choose the non-material?  Do we prioritize one over the other?  Do we find ways to manifest both?

At what point do we know if we're chasing fool's gold?

The Rules of Love

The rules of love are something I ponder, and find myself reconsidering... The conventional standards of saying we're only allowed to love people in certain situations...  There is forbidden love because of circumstance...

I find denying the love I have inside for whatever reason is a soul killer...  Maybe I'm withholding love because I'm upset, or perhaps it's because I'm trying to manipulate...  Ultimately sealing off the doors seals off the oxygen my soul breaths...  It feels unwise to hold back...

I still have great love for the past loves of my life...  When I try to deny that I also spiral downwards...  My dreams at night reveal me, and yet I fight the me that is revealed...

If I can tap into infinite expansion, rather than turning into a black hole... I feel like I'll find something wonderful...

Eyes Closing

Lately I've felt my eyes closing, another venture into the dark...  In dark, my current experience is the truth of Gratitude...  By taking deep breaths, and thinking about those I love, and how lucky I am to have such connections both near and far...  I'm instantly filled with spirit, and some of the dark becomes light...  My eyes start to open once again...

Time's Menacing Assault.

They looked with glazed eyes, as if seeing but not seeing, perhaps peering into another world.  A slow amble with a semi-rigid gait, moving semi-lifeless limbs.  Moving around as if caught in a cell rusted from time's unfriendly assault.  Speaking in tongues not fully comprehensible to all, as if jaws shackled, trapped in a genie's bottle, wishes and commands unfulfilled.  Time's menacing assault slowly setting concrete, until the soul turned to dust.

Within this Heart

Within this He(art)
There is art
Waka Waka Waka!!!

Celebration

When in dark
It is wise to celebrate in another's light with delight
Opening our eyes to the stars in the night
Keeps us in touch with our own

Touch

As two become one
We temporarily touch infinity
But it's a place of bliss we can only stay in so long
Until we must descend back into our mortal realm
And live out a true earthly existence
But the memories of those fleeting moments
Forever burned into the soul
Home the place we long for
We know it exists

Planetary Alignment

The planets of your eyes...
Draw me in...
Grabbing me in their pull...

Come With Me?

If you're willing to bear me baring myself, then come with me.  :)

With Back Turned

While it appears I have turned my back
The truth is I'm taking the long-way-around
The way that encompasses the whole
Spiraling back to where I started
Same but different

Fleeting Rainbow

After the edge of the storm
Light emerging...
The Rainbow at last
The marriage of Light and Dark
The marriage of Water, Air, Earth, and Fire of the Sun
The pot of gold
The space between

The 8th Day

7 days... The 8th day is the day consolidating the beginning and the end... Between Sunday and Mo(o)nday...  Thus Infinity...  Light and Dark finally united in harmony...

Inner Compass

There's an Inner Compass within me that glows with warmth when encountering the desires of the soul.  I've learned to trust it over time, and now it has resulting in wonderful synchronous events I would have never imagined before...

Deep Slumber

Among the spritely sprites are sleeping dragons...

The Paradox of Letting Go of the Search for Meaning

Prior to finding out my dad had to undergo open-heart surgery at the end of January, I had a constant search for meaning.  So often I felt empty inside, I had so many nihilistic thoughts, and often felt that sometimes it was better that I didn't exist.

Then a radical change happened.  Being so immersed in fear of losing my dad, I no longer cared if life had no inherent meaning.  All I knew is that I wanted to continue to enjoy the presence of my father.  Moments of living, and being in the presence of loved ones was enough.  I never prayed so hard in my life during that time in the hospital.  So many fears passing through my mind...  All I knew is that I kept hoping for more and more time.

I told myself I didn't ever want to have nihilistic thoughts where I no longer wanted to exist.  I saw the pain in my family's faces, the worry, the concern over possibly losing one of our most cherished bonds. I decided I didn't ever want to be responsible for that.  Ever since that time the emptiness inside was no longer felt.

Suddenly over time clouds began to lift.  Meaning started to happen in more and more moments.  My eyes changed, and will probably continue to change.  I stopped searching on a conscious level, and yet I'm finding more and more.

The Passing

     Slowly they gathered in single-file, all holding unlit candles.  A somber yet joyous procession towards their loved one who lay still in the softly lit casket.  Beside the casket was a thick white candle, lit with a mighty flame.  One by one the mourners lit their candles, joining their unlit wicks with the mighty flame atop the white pillar.

     They began yet another procession; But this time meeting at a new station, a heap of wood piled high like a great pyramid.  Now gathered around in circular fashion with candles in hand,  each bearer of tiny-flame, touched tinder, igniting the heap, in a synchronous wave reminiscent of undulating sea flowers beneath crashing waves.  In communion of light, they all feasted on the growing flame lighting the night sky.  Each now touched by the bright light emerging, they felt the palpable warmth across their skin, penetrating their glowing faces.  A dancing glimmer highlighting each of their eyes, until the memories of the moment burned into their being.  Together they experienced bliss, standing hand in hand, all united as one, by this glowing, growing, yet passing flame.

Mixed Up

The world is filled with so much beauty
Yet it's also filled with dark and blindness
Both bring tears to my eyes...

Light of The Reaper

In the presence of the Reaper
The shadows outline the light we take for granted
Light we fail to see,
Finally focused in a tunnel of light
Dark fog stuffs the air
Every breath now a struggle
Wishing we had seen with clearer eyes
The beauty that had always been around
The Reaper wakes us up
Before he puts us to sleep

The Flame

He saw her from a distance, and suddenly froze, a deer caught in headlights.  His lifeless body suppressing the flames within. The pain of past memory, mixed with the joy of past memory.  She saw him from a distance.  Her face lit up with the glow that he once knew well.  Excitedly she approached him with a beaming smile.  His face turned sullen stone.  He looked down and over his left shoulder, to avert his gaze.  She was visibly shaken, a trickle from the corner of her eyes.  She cried tears because he would no longer acknowledge her.  But in truth, the windows of his eyes would betray the veils he wished to keep.  The painful truth was that his heart had never stopped acknowledging her.  His heart never forgot what he had always felt.

The Boy Who Hid in a Bubble (forgotten entries)

There once was a boy who thought he had a disease.  So he tried to keep himself in a bubble.  Whatever he had, he knew it hurt and that others didn't want it.  So for those who didn't appear to have the disease, he tried his best to hide it from them.  He kept himself tucked away in a clear bubble.  He pretended to act as normal as possible, hoping others would like him.  But because he was so afraid to be found out, he felt very lonely.  Maybe one day he could find others with his affliction, so they could all run and play together.  No one would have to worry or hide since they would all share a common bond.

One day he did indeed find some with his same condition.  But they were afraid the boy would give them more of his germs, thus worsening their own condition.  So the boy felt even more alone than before.

He began to dislike his condition even more.  He began to dislike himself.  He thought the other kids were better off without him, so he avoided contact all together.

But one day while at the park all alone, he was watching the other kids.  They yelled and screamed at a little girl, telling her they didn't want her cooties.  The little girl ran off, and cried by herself under a tree.

The boy approached her and showed her his condition, the very condition he tried to keep hidden from the others.  Her eyes lit up with glee, and she quickly jumped inside of his bubble.  She gave him the biggest hug of all.  She was so happy to meet someone just like herself.  And the boy was happy to meet someone just like himself.

The two would become great friends and share in so much warmth and love.  They would eventually find others who were just like them, but each unique in their own way.  They created an area of the playground where they could all be free, an area to live without their bubbles.  It was a place to breath freely, a place to be alive, to be oneself, and to live without fear.

THE END

Closing In (forgotten entries)

Loneliness covers me
Thick in the air
Suffocating walls around me
Gasping I cannot bear
Suffering in my own grief
Dying by my own despair

Dive (forgotten entries)

Peering over the edge to waters below
A cascade along shimmering rocks
The misty spray cooling his face
It was time to do the unthinkable
Shedding layers adorned
To find light where others believed there was none

Depth of Feeling

Deepen our well
So that surface ripples have less effect on our overall state of being
So that we live in abundance and have more and more to give

Book Lover

An open book, fresh pages never read
Torridly he raced, until a head fed
Clutched by forces, he could not stop
The tension the climax, until the last drop

Containers of Light and Fire

What if we're all containers of light?  What if in some way, we're actually like candles?  We can share warmth.  If our flame is bright enough, we can help brighten others, or even reveal the hidden flames of others.

Sparklers

So long as the sparks are encouraged
The fireworks will light and flow
Leading to much luminescence
And wonderful infectious glow

The Order of Things

A "hater" is a "heart" out of order...

Breaking Through Clouds

As clouds clear, golden rays of light begin to break through...
Light we normally can't see in that way.

Reveal of the Inner Glow

Only in the darkest of dark
Does the Inner Glow
That has always existed within
Begin to reveal itself
So we can truly see

Can Sickness Beget Health?

Maybe there are times it takes major physical sickness in order to finally awaken to spiritual health...

I've Found Something I've Been Looking For

It's strange to be searching for something that's been dangling in front of my face, for quite some time now.  Reading the words of another has materialized what I've actually been searching for this whole time.  I laugh because before I could not fully see.  I constantly chase it and catch glimpses.  I've written about it in the past.  Yet here I am realizing something I've already known, but now experiencing this knowing with fuller intensity.

The Warmth of A Hug

The warmth that radiates from another as we hug, the warmth that penetrates and touches us, serves as a reminder of our true interconnected nature.  In that moment if we're open, notions of boundaries melt. The moment is a temporary reminder of the bliss felt when realizing our true nature.  Cut from the oneness of it all, we long to find our way back.

The Growth of A Nut

In order to fulfill its destiny
Layers must be sloughed off, slowly shed
So that the richness within
Can bloom and sprout

Mirrors

There are certain people that help me see things within myself that I would have never discovered on my own. (Well, the process might have happened, but more slowly)  People often give us glimpses of parts of our souls, acting as catalyst in helping to find our essence.

I'm thankful for those people who help with the reveal...

Battles of The Ego

Within me there's this internal battle of wanting to feel special, wanting to feel better than the next person.  It involves wearing a label of being this or being that for the sake of outdoing those around me.  The proper way is just To Be, to do what I feel is right for myself without impeding upon other people's boundaries.

The ability to love oneself "just because", without having to build oneself up seems to be a factor in alleviating part of the inner battle.  To know that we're enough regardless, seems to be a worthy  goal... A life of nothing to prove to oneself or to others...  A faith in the process, the unfolding, and in one's own innate essence and gifts...  These feel like keys.

Volcano

At long last, he arrived at the precipice of the spewing volcano.  The heat upon his face, a furnace breathing dragon.  A long journey, now facing a great fear.  Voices within telling him to let go, to give in, to leap.  Trembling, unable to breath in the suffocating heat, he finally gathered his nerve.  He calmed himself, his breaths growing slow and steady.  His mind clear, he leapt headfirst relaxed, plunging like a shuttle descending into the atmosphere.  A leap with the hope of home...

My Strange Relationship with My Will

Being hardcore and going all out used to work for me.  With fires burning my Will was never an issue. But now that hardcore way only creates massive resistance within.

It seems it's more helpful to relax, then my will is more likely to follow.  The idea of relaxing for the sake of increased volition seems quite counterintuitive.  But it seems like the relaxed way of being is the current path I must take...  Instead of fighting and wrestling the inner stallion, the stallion decides if it wants to follow...

The Ugly Nature of My Love

I feel like I have a very withholding style of love...  Afraid to give too much of myself...  I wonder if over time the fear subsides...

Love/Hate

Part of me loves the world
For being so kind
Part of me hates the world
For being so blind

Part of my loves myself
For being so kind
Part of me hates myself
For being so blind

I have to realize it's okay to have both of these in me.  A dynamic system shifts towards various equilibriums because it is indeed alive.  Light and Dark must coexist for the sake of creating discernment.

People Who Share Beautiful Things

I'm thankful for those people who share things that move me...  To be moved inside is one of life's sweet little pleasures...

Dear Heart Disease

Dear Heart Disease,

I've been fairly lax with you lately.  I used to be more hardcore when battling you.  But recent events, with you almost taking my dad have stirred up the coals.  I know how to prevent you, and how to reverse you.  But I don't know how to get others to see.  I'm afraid you're winning, as people continue to blindly eat the foods that cause you.  People continue to eat animal based protein that contains saturated fat and cholesterol, the components needed to create plaques in the heart.

I'm afraid if I don't figure out how to get people to see the light, I'm going to see my loved ones die one-by-one by your hand.  I'm going to see family members and friends suffer unnecessarily.  By virtue of habit, they are addicted to the animal proteins that cause you.

And if you don't strike down my loved one via animal proteins, your cousins diabetes or cancer will.  How will I be able to help defeat you and your cousins?  Things may start to get ugly between you and I...

Simple Moments of Togetherness

Sometimes we forget the value of those simple moments of togetherness.  Suddenly transported into a more precarious time, a time of uncertainty.  The times when the presence of a loved one is no longer so certain, when at any moment, what we once had can be gone in the blink of an eye.  Thrown into the moment with full presence, soaking up the feelings of connectedness, we cherish our bonds that too often we take for granted...

Oversensitive Senses

So often it feels like my ears are oversensitive to tone.  Today my sleep was disturbed by the sound of a grating vacuum cleaner.  The residual effects are still haunting me, with an uncomfortable feeling around my chest.  It's like a subtle dull ache that won't go away.  Sound seems to have a literal effect of "touching my heart."  It's a double edged sword, since the most pleasant of sound results in stirrings of bliss beneath...  But the most dissonant sounds feel like knives stabbing, digging into me...

One of My Main Motivators in Life

If there were a main motivator in my life, it's probably that of Self-Healing...  Self-Healing with the hopes of getting closer to a more Actualized Self.

If I try to impose discipline on myself from a perspective of "Should," then followed up by self-punishment, there seems to be internal resistance.  It's as if I have separate parts of me rebelling against myself.

The actions are the same, but the perspective somehow changes the energy of the situation...

Negativity in the Outside World?

Often times I feel like negativity in the outside world is really just a calling out from help.  It represents someone or something in need of healing.  It's someone or something that has somehow lost touch with The Essence, with Home.  At times it's darkness that leads the way...

Inner Addiction

It feels so good to find those things that manifest the feelings buried below the surface.  It's as if there's this inner core whose energy can only be felt via medium.  The medium tends to be art related.  Finding ways to access the inner core feels so satisfying.  Yet doing so has brought me so much inner guilt as well, not living up to expected responsibilities in the real world.  This addiction has been a source of pain for both myself and others in my life.

I keep thinking if I keep digging, I'll find something...  Hopefully whatever that something is, it's worth it...

Artichoke Values

I feel like my values are like an artichoke.
Over time the outer leaves fall away.
What was once important is no longer.
Slowly but surely what's left is the heart.

Snail

I'm a snail
Continuously trying
To come out of my shell...

Romantic Diagram?

Is romantic love like a Venn Diagram???

Within

No matter what I do, it has to come from within, even those things that affect those around me.  I have to take more responsibility for my own actions or inactions.  I have to see my own part in all that transpires, no matter how painful it is to look in the mirror.

How To Love

Open a Sacred Space
For Another Person
To be All-That-They-Are
In That Very Precious Moment

A Better Means of Connection and Influence?

Sharing inner experience and showing others what I see, instead of preaching to the world...

Fear and Light

Locked away in comfort
Paranoid by perceived offense
My light begins to dim
Accusing others of sin

Illuminate

Figuring out how to turn on the light switch
So everyone else can see

Mirror Mirror

If someone is a mimic, a mirror towards other people's behavior...
What happens when a mirror is placed in front of said person?
Does one get an infinite images, with mirrors reflecting mirrors?

Viewing Viewing Lenses

The viewing lens we use to observe other viewing lenses
Is still a viewing lens.

INFP Fifth Offended Rights...

Anything you say, can and will be used to offend me, in my subjective court of law.  :)

Questioning Questions

In our quest for knowledge,
How do we know we're asking the right questions?

(Note to self...  How come I never noticed the similarity between the words Quest and Question ?)

Clues to Happiness?

The joy one feels during moments of Self-forgetfulness...  Could this be a clue where to find greater bliss?

IFPs and Openness to Experience

"When they resist an experience before they actually have it, life can no longer teach them by way of surprise.  They're surrendering their strongest skills."

Personality Type:  An Owner's Manual  Lenore Thomson

Earth Moving

An event that shakes the ground we walk on
The needle jumps the groove

Being the Change

The importance of what I believe in has been strongly reaffirmed in recent days.  No one should have to go through that type of suffering.  No one should have to go through that kind of scare.

I'm thankful everything turned out okay.  I only wish I had power in preventing what happened.

I need to continue to make an effort to go deeper, and to be a better example of the change I wish to be.

The idealist in me needs the satisfaction of trying to become a more idealized self.

When Your Mouth Starts Spewing Poop...

It may be time for Excre-Mints!!!

The Challenge of The Heart

To remain open in rawness, I know this is the direction I must head...  But it's so ridiculously scary at times...  Emotional weightlifting to strengthen the heart...

On the Surface

I'm like the Earth's crust.  On rare occasions I show signs of volcanic activity.  Sometimes seismic shifts can be felt.  But underneath and always stirring, a warm and sometimes burning core of unsteady molten magma...

The Splits in Our Personality

Is there a way to compartmentalize the various aspects of our personality for the sake of maximum benefit?  The decisive Me used for certain areas, and the more Open me used for others...

You Don't Know Me

I don't think you realize how much I truly hurt inside.  I cannot be like you.  I am not you.  Your criticism of me, in efforts to make me more like you, hurt.  I know you do and say what you feel is right.  But what's right for you isn't right for all.  I understand the value of what you say, but it's such a stretch for me to be the way you wish me to be.

It's as if you don't really know how much pain I feel inside.  So often I feel maybe it's better that I never existed.  I don't know how to play by the same set of rules as others.  Hopefully I'll find my way.  And hopefully I'll learn to be more understanding so I don't get hurt as easily.  You're doing what you think is best.  You're trying to help me.  But I am not you.  You don't truly know me.

Canvas Confidant

How do I learn to more completely trust you with my inner secrets, my inner stories?  How can I free what's hidden beneath, so that part of me doesn't feel so lonely?  Thank you canvas confidant, for listening to me up to now.  With courage I hope to delve deeper, revealing more and more.

Inkwell

Sometimes the inkwell flows, and at other times it goes dry.  I wonder what accounts for the ebb and flow nature of ink.  Is it emotional?  Physical?  Mental?  Spiritual?  And is it possible to completely run out of ink?

Moved

You're like a song
That can reach deep into me
And tear me to pieces

Fragile

But what if she's quite beautiful
But fragile like a vase?
How does one touch
What one is afraid to hold...

Leaves Fall

Leaves fall slowly
Dancing drifting away
Once evergreen no longer

Now pain of teething
Until new buds appear
A cold and harsh winter