Hidden self-aggression is something I must still explore. During times of major hurt, I find I have a tendency to think I'm broken, that I need to be fixed. I find I am punishing towards myself. I begin to expose major self-loathing that exists within me. Feelings of "not being enough" rise to the surface. At my self-aggression's peak, I wish to not exist, thinking the world would be better off without me.
I'm still unsure how to achieve gentleness with myself. I've seen some clues in a meditation practice of following the outbreath, and gently coming back when going off course. But I'm unsure how to apply that to my daily living. Can I really gently come back, without aggression towards myself? I struggle with self-punishment, yet I also know I'm at my best when I'm gentle with myself. The irony is that self-punishment is an attempt to "bring out the best" in myself.
How can I remember that the best appears when involved in a gentle process? Do I need continuous faith? Do I need to drop self-concern? Do I need to let go and trust in something more?
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