Prior to finding out my dad had to undergo open-heart surgery at the end of January, I had a constant search for meaning. So often I felt empty inside, I had so many nihilistic thoughts, and often felt that sometimes it was better that I didn't exist.
Then a radical change happened. Being so immersed in fear of losing my dad, I no longer cared if life had no inherent meaning. All I knew is that I wanted to continue to enjoy the presence of my father. Moments of living, and being in the presence of loved ones was enough. I never prayed so hard in my life during that time in the hospital. So many fears passing through my mind... All I knew is that I kept hoping for more and more time.
I told myself I didn't ever want to have nihilistic thoughts where I no longer wanted to exist. I saw the pain in my family's faces, the worry, the concern over possibly losing one of our most cherished bonds. I decided I didn't ever want to be responsible for that. Ever since that time the emptiness inside was no longer felt.
Suddenly over time clouds began to lift. Meaning started to happen in more and more moments. My eyes changed, and will probably continue to change. I stopped searching on a conscious level, and yet I'm finding more and more.
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