Tomorrow will mark the 14th year... The day that hit me and changed my ways... I was tired of seeing what I viewed as unnecessary suffering. Perhaps all suffering is necessary in a karmic sense. I do not know. But I despised the suffering in family members I saw during this time 14 years ago. And a cascade of events led me to see more suffering in family members... People dying of what's preventable.
I used to care more. I used to want to make a difference in the lives of those around me. Now I'm not so sure I care as much.
This January I was reminded of the importance of the crusade I was on. I saw glimpses of the fight in me. But then I got tired and frustrated.
One thing I've learned over the years is that I cannot deny my connection to people. I have to have faith in people or else I suffer greatly. I have to believe in the possibility of positive change. If I lose that I wither, my spirit shrinks.
I have to remember that during the fight I have indeed helped a few. Maybe I haven't helped the masses, but for the select few, my crusade has been of benefit.
I'm at a crossroads, questioning if it's all worth it. The dark side of me is starting to show. I teeter back and forth. Hopefully I choose what's for the best.
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