I Both Love Myself and Hate Myself...

There's this mixed duality that exists within me...  The parts I love about myself relate to my idealism and my values...  Yet there's another part of myself that experiences self-loathing, self-hate...

I'm unaware when these dualities came into existence.  When did I start loving myself?  When did I start hating myself?  Did this existence happen due to the conditions I've created?  Do I only love myself because of certain things I do?  And by not doing other things, I come to hate myself?

How do I reach a point of loving "Just Because," loving without condition?  Sometimes I feel I am there...  Other times, not so much...  Conditions seem to create some strange duality.  "This is good."  "This is bad."  Is there a way to see from a more detached point of view? Every state of being is like potential energy, able to drive us towards a certain way of being.

I know suffering can be a source of growth.  Suffering can be transmuted into something beautiful in the form of deep empathy and compassion.  Being so in touch with our own suffering, we can connect to others who also suffer.

Is there a way to transform and transmute my Hate Towards Myself into something helpful for growth? Hate Towards Myself creates self-inflicted suffering.  How can I connect with this in a beneficial way?

Sometimes I feel like I hate my own existence, that I somehow shouldn't be here.  Part of me feels like this is due to childhood experience...  I don't like blaming others... But in this case I do want to shift blame.  Why is that?  I want to blame others for not allowing me to be who I am in a given moment...  For not allowing me to feel what I need to feel emotionally...  And at the same time I want to blame myself for not being courageous enough to feel fully in my present state.

This Duality within me, I don't know how to resolve...

My Longest Lasting Positive Habits

I just realized my longest lasting habits tend to involve some sort of continuous exploration.  I mean, I've always known I love to explore, and it keeps me doing something over and over again...  But for some reason I've never thought of it as a tool for creating some semblance of consistency in my life...  The process of going deeper and deeper...  The constant discovery...  The paradox of repeat in order to find something new and fresh...

Now if only I can learn to apply this. lol.

Letting the Heart Melt...

Why do I find it so scary to allow my heart to melt?  Sometimes I'll see something that moves me... Perhaps a photo of someone who I can tell is suffering, or will suffer...  I feel warmth inside, as if I want to reach out...  Yet I'm afraid...

Meaninglessness...

Every now and then I find myself asking, "What's the point?"  I struggle to find the right answers.  I get stuck, and fires that were once ablaze go dim, turning into feelings of dark heaviness, like a fog stifling my being.  The energy that can sometimes exist in me gone like a faint memory.  All that's left is the smoke after the embers.  A smoke that's suffocating, clouding my vision.

The only answer I can come up with is to create some semblance of meaning.  This usually entails delving deeper into some of my idealism, or delving deeper into some of my passions.  To get the smoke to clear, it's like I need a very hot and clean burning flame.  It's a flame that burns me, causing me discomfort at times, but it seems a bit better than the alternative of suffocating.

The real world still looms, and I still find much of life quite meaningless.  "Have beautiful hair and you'll be happy!"  "Have six pack abs and you'll feel sexy and happy."  "Win a million dollars in the sweepstakes and you'll be happy!"  It's clear we all want to be happy, that's all I know.  And some say happiness is the meaning of life.  So perhaps I just haven't found the keys for happiness for me.  Perhaps in finding that happiness I'll find the meaning I seek.

Outcasts & INFPs?

Tending to individuals...  to outcasts... to misfits...
Is that what INFPs do?
INFPs give those who feel separate someone to relate to?

My Emo Song Friend

Thank you my Emo Song Friend...
You sat by me and allowed me to cry as many tears as I wanted...
You allowed me to feel not-so-alone in the loneliest of times...
I'm so thankful for you, allowing me to emote some of the depths of my being...
Emo Song Friend...  where would I be without you???

"Deserve"

Why does the word "deserve" offend me so much?  I find it offending when people say "Such and such person isn't deserving of my time."  Or "I deserve happiness!"

I seem to associate the word with discrimination... with blame...  with ego...  Only people who are deemed "worthy" can associate with those people who use the word "deserve" quite a bit...

Perhaps my offense stems down to my own feelings of unworthiness...  As if I'm being reminded of my own self-whipping...  The word goes straight to the quick, down to the rawness of it all...  Perhaps I hate the word because deep down, it's what I really want for myself...  I want to feel deserving...  I want to feel like something special...

Guh!  I dunno...  I can't seem to reconcile with the word...  And I'm turned off by those who imply "You don't deserve my time...  You don't deserve my attention...  You don't deserve to be a part of my life."