Why I used to like playing basketball...

I think it's interesting we can like engaging in various activities for very different reasons.  Playing basketball for me was an exercise in concentration more than anything.  It really wasn't about the competition, it was about an attempt to reach a more meditative state, being present in each action.

Lately I have trouble motivating myself to exercise, to work out.  Perhaps if I treat it as an exercise in concentration, I will be able to find the means to get moving again.  I feel I suffer from a split mind... A will that wants to be totally free, and a will that wishes for direction.  If I can find enjoyment in conscientious effort, then perhaps I'll be able to direct my will better...

Courage to Feel

*sigh*  Currently I lack courage to really feel my feelings.  I feel like I'm losing a friend, which causes a chain reaction where there is distance created with anyone connected to said person.  It hurts and I want to run and hide...  But I know there's something to be learned, to be gained from sitting still.  Where does one gather strength to fully feel the rawness?  I'm not very good when it comes to coping with any kind of loss...

Twigs & Twine

Gasping for breaths
That cannot be grasped
Chained to a tree of mere existence
To break free as an elephant can
But fear of what's beyond the fetters

Tangled in a web of lies
Told by the undercurrents of the mind
Windows closing until cocooned
A tomb?  Or a chrysalis?

With each repeated utterance
One begins to believe
Grooves dig in deeper
Self-prophesized manifestations of the mind
Creating a tunnel of light
Or if lucky, creating a tunnel into the dark...

Space

Sigh... I'm so selfish with my space sometimes.  I don't like the feeling of someone tethered to me...  I want my private time, and when it's invaded by uninvited company, I act out passive-aggressively, trying to avoid the person, shutting them out by ignoring that person...  I'm a bit of an a-hole in that way.

And when said tethered person is trying to control me into doing their will, I rebel and act out, being controlled in a different way, since I react.  I'm a slave to my knee-jerk reaction...

I don't know how to be nice in situations where I really want to be left alone...

Reset Button

It feels like traveling creates a kind of reset button...  Brand new schedule...  Brand new place...  Brand new people...  Everything is novel and new...  Everything is fresh...  A new perspective is gained...  The world is such a big place, way beyond the confines of my usually small space...

I can see the appeal of travel, of getting away.  When everything is new, it's difficult not to be in the present moment.  The oncoming influx of input makes it difficult to over-think past or future.

When in need of a Reset Button, go to the novel places... Physically, mentally, and emotionally...  Explore beyond the confines of comfort.

The Leap

So I took the plunge, and hit a wall...  Such is life...  At least I gave it a shot instead of wussing out like usual...  For that, I'm proud of myself...

Give up?

Too often I give up before I truly try...  I out think myself before I even give myself a chance to leap...  How does one get out of our comfort zones, the way so many Motivational Posters speak of?  Fear still gets the best of me...

Invisible Demands

What are some of the hidden demands we place upon others, but we ourselves are guilty of not fulfilling that demand?  How do we uncover our invisible demands?

Sighs Revisited

Those moments of Deep Sighs of appreciation... 
Where we have to pinch ourselves in amazement... 
Awed by the presence of a beloved..

Edge

With toes along the edge of the precipice
An edge slowly withering, eroding away
Staring down to a place where there's no coming back
Do I take a deep breath and dare?
Or do I fall back and run away?
The ocean is filled with love...

Gravity and Levity

What would life be like if I couldn't balance Gravity with Levity?  I assume this is a Yin and Yang-like relationship...  Though when I'm not well, I find Levity very hard to come by...

Authentic "I don't care"?

How can I tell when I'm being truly authentic when I say "I don't care?"  Sometimes I truly don't care if I don't view something as important to me.  It leaves room for me to care more about things I care for deeply.  But sometimes I know "I don't care" is really a defense mechanism for things I probably care too much about.

How on earth can I tell when "I don't care" is authentic and real?  Blah!  I don't care!  :)  (Actually, I do.)

Paradox of Space and Aloneness

In me there seems to exist a weird paradox...  Moments when I feel very alone on the inside...  like moments when I've feel hurt, or perhaps rejected...  moments where I'm upset...  I want physical space. I don't want anyone near me.  I just want to be alone to process without interruption...

Yet during these times of withdrawal, I also feel a deep disconnect within.  It's as if truthfully, I really want to feel connected...  especially on a deep intimate level...  but for whatever reason I'm unable to connect.

I've been wanting space from people lately...  Going as far as locking myself in my room...  Yet simultaneously I long for feelings of oneness...

Self-Healing

Sometimes I forget the things that bring joy into my life, and make me feel better when I'm not well emotionally...  Today I sang and sounded horrible...  Yet the act of singing felt so good... Like a massage for the heart...


I don't like the sound of my voice... But I love the way it feels to sing...  I'm thankful that I'm able to feel this joy right now...

Source of Shadow?

An object with bright enough light cast upon it, will create shadow.  What does this mean for growth?

Hope?

What if there really is wisdom in giving up hope like some buddhist teachings teach...  Giving up the idea of something that does not coincide with the present moment...

Lately I've been going through a rough patch I believe is linked to the idea of Hope and Grasping what isn't.  I've been feeling quite lonely in the romantic sense... missing the feeling of intimacy with someone special...  missing the high that overtakes us when deeply in love.  I miss feeling connected to someone in that way.

I have this terrible idea floating in my head...  "What if I've already experienced my most blissful days and moments?"  Seriously, what if those days are actually as good as it will ever get in my life...  Hitting a peak so soon, and to never be able to experience it again.

I feel lonely as hell right now.  I actually do feel it's wise to say "F#$(# It!", letting go of hope of what once was, and what will be.  The act of Wishing seems to be quite painful.  Deep down I'm still starving...  Starving for something that doesn't exist in this present moment.

Instead of hoping, maybe it is wiser to use my energy to more fully feel, rather than escape into fantasies that are way beyond this current reality.

True Openness, Where are you?  Is fear closing my eyes?

Sometimes I feel it's better to have never tasted...  That way I would never know what I'm missing...  That way I wouldn't hope for things that once were...