Being In The Wrong

Being totally in the wrong is often a gateway to knowledge...
Attempting to make leaps and guesses that might be totally off base...
The process of exploration, following paths however potentially right or wrong...
That's how the uncharted becomes charted, increasing knowledge and awareness...

So how wrong am I willing to be???

Addict

It's so easy to slip away into old habits... into addicting habits...  into old patterns...
It seems there's some kind of paradox...  By being more gentle, more accepting, and more forgiving of oneself while walking our path...
We allow more room for growth and change...
So perhaps with a little positive intention, and positive prayer...
Along with loving-kindness towards oneself...  A genuine, sincere love towards oneself no matter what...
Resistance can gently fall away, allowing for the transformation the soul so desperately craves...

Perceptions

So odd how my perceptions of what is are constantly challenged...  My eyes opened by wonderful people I encounter...  Literally seeing things I never thought possible...  I am thankful for the eyes of others...  Those who can potentially deepen my understanding of the mysteries of life...  It's my deep wish that I'm able to somehow offer others something wonderful as well...

Inner Rage...

I don't think I've fully felt the inner rage I needed to feel while being bullied as an adolescent.  I'm seeing a form of bullying online and it's triggering something inside of me.  I want to withdraw, yet at the same time I know I need to rage... To be angry at the cruelty...  At the heartlessness...

I need to the let the inner seething within me burn bright...  I want to say "F U!" to my past tormentors...  I want the hardness of my heart to melt so I can be soft and kind the way I wish to be...  But until I fully feel what I needed to feel, I don't think I can fully be who I wish to be...

So for now, I hope I don't deny my anger...  I hope to feel more fully...  more authentically...

Emotion Junkie?

Sometimes I feel I'm a total emotion junkie...
If I feel off, a nice strong hit of emotion makes me feel better...
Usually music is my drug of choice...
Strangely, feeling sad things also makes me feel better...
Gut-wrenchingly honest songs seem to help ground me...
The heartfelt honesty brings me back...

What if I were more like my dog?

So what if I could be more like my dog...
Offering love to people regardless...
Or the way she offers me love regardless...

Beyond Judgment?

Can we ever reach a point where we're beyond our harsh judgment of ourselves?
Can we ever reach a point where we're beyond perceived judgments of others?

What would it be like to be free of harsh judgment?  To be free and unconcerned?

Curiosity?

Curiosity seems to bring me to wonderful places...
It seems act as a Guiding Light towards places that instinctually bring me inner fulfillment...
Thank You Curiosity!!!  :)

Our Words

Many of the words we project...
Often express what we want for ourselves...
What we wish from others...

Our actions towards others also reflect some of our deepest desires for ourselves...

"Who Cares?"

"Who Cares?"
"I don't really care."

"That hits home to my core."

Is indifference in some areas needed to create a strong sense of caring in another area?
Caring deeply about something seems to be a bit polarizing, at least within my own mind.

Honestly, there's a lot of things I could care less about...
But there are also things I can't help but care for...

When I'm asked to kill insects...

It may sound silly, but it's something that disturbs me greatly, especially if the insect has done nothing to me.  I'll admit I kill bugs that bite me, mainly out of anger.  Sometimes I feel bad, and sometimes I don't.

But ask me to kill when I don't want to kill...  It stirs me up inside...  Especially if I feel like I'm being forced to do it.

Ultimately I need to learn to stand up for my beliefs, and refuse...  A lesson I still need to learn...

Access

Sometime we can't quite reach parts of our own back.
So often we need a helping hand to scan, to bring awareness, to bring healing...

On Books

Finding a book that resonates with me is total Bliss!!!

I love the feeling of finding something I feel like I'm supposed to be reading...  Something that connect with me on a deeper level...

Thankful for those moments...

I am Love

I was reading a blog and came across those three words...
"I am Love."
Maybe I wasn't paying attention, or maybe I just wasn't thinking...
But I've never thought of Love in that light.  I know I must have read it elsewhere, but only now do the words jump out at me.

"I am Love."

What if such words uttered are indeed true?

In My Brokenness

It's funny...  In My Brokenness...  Those are the times I experience truths...
An Ugly Truth I experienced recently...  Deep down there exists a black hole within me.  There's a part of me that longs deeply...  A part of me that deeply envies others...  And there's a part of me that wishes I could experience the drug that is romantic love.  My heart is like a donut, or perhaps a bagel at times...  Not quite whole...

While it's true I long, there's also a part of me that wishes to journey and go it alone.  It's confusing to be pulled in two seemingly opposed directions...

I'm unsure what the right path for me is at this time...  I do know it helps for me to temporarily commit to something when I'm feeling low...  We'll see where this takes me...

July 6th

This day 13 years ago is a day that forever rocked my family.  A sudden unexpected loss led to so much pain and suffering.  Amongst the chaos, so many tears...  Tears for a dear family member...  Tears for ourselves...

I couldn't comprehend it at the time...  And I still don't comprehend it...  But I knew I wanted to do my best not to contribute to that kind of suffering in the world...

In a time I couldn't understand the meaning...  I did my best to create meaning...

It's easy to forget the roots of my personal commitment...  It's easy to get lost in the mundane...  I still don't know why what happened happened...  All I know is that day in history forever changed my entire family...

In many ways I feel like I've forgotten my commitment...  I feel like part of my resolve has withered...  I tried to extend what I believe to be beneficial to all beyond me, yet in so many ways I feel like a failure.

My heart is much rawer than is used to be...  I feel pain much deeper and more readily than before...  So often I feel I'm not brave enough...  So often I feel overwhelmed and alone...  

I just wish I could open more eyes and open more hearts...

The Gentle Way?

I've known the punishing way for so long...
How do I find The Gentle Way?

My experience with tennis has taught me the gentle approach works better for me.  Punishing myself only makes the desired result worse.  How do I gain faith and apply The Gentle Way beyond tennis?

Surfeited

Daffodils blow in breeze
Taken by swirls of wind to heavens
Graced by golden light as I drift off
Deep somnolent melting reverie
I disappear...

Tapestry

Is the apparent chaos and randomness all around...
Actually interwoven and interconnected
In ways we're unaware of?

Rip

Rip open our heart...
To get a glimpse of our true selves...

Interdependence Day?

I wonder if one day there will exist a day
A day we celebrate our realized interconnectedness...
A day we celebrate our forgotten oneness...

Emotional Intensity...

The intensity of what I experience
Is often too much for me to bear...
Perhaps this is part of why I am so fearful
So fearful of letting others in too deep...

Be Gentle

Be gentle in your unhappiness

Let go of the whip that demands one be happy...

Why add to what's already there through grasping what isn't...