I had just woken up from an intense dream... It was a "My Girl" type dream... Around the times before pre-teens. There were three of us... Me, My Girl, and another boy. We'd swim tributaries together full of tules/reeds surrounding the banks... And there were shallow tunnels created by leftover piles of carpeting and plywood, tunnels we'd swim under...
Me and the other boy get into an argument while swimming. A scuffle ensues, stirring up the river sediment, making the waters cloudy, murky. My Girl tells me to knock it off, that I'm being immature... This all happened just before one of those happenstance-tunnels we'd swim under. I knew My Girl is right... So I try to stop the tension between me and the other boy. The other boy ignores my pleas... He starts to swim into the now silt-laden tunnel... I grab his ankle telling him not to go since it's too dangerous not being able to see. He's angry and he doesn't listen. My Girl proceeds to swim along side him as he escapes my grasp... At this point I go around the pile, the makeshift tunnel. I'm frightened at my stupidity, my childishness... Afraid the scuffle I was responsible for might cause harm. I wait for the other boy to surface through the brown murky waters... He does... But a few seconds lapse, and there is no sign of My Girl...
I begin to panic... My Girl wasn't surfacing. In a wild frenzy I begin shedding layer upon layer of old water laden carpets laid thick... The happenstance tunnel, I wildly whittle away at. I yell at my friend to call the police, to call 911... There happened to be a pay phone nearby.... Wildly flailing away at the carpets, I'm consumed with guilt... Had I not been so childish, the silt buildup caused from the thrashing would not have gotten her stuck. I finally get to the last layer as my other friend is calling... My Girl's pulse is faint and fading... She's broken. I'm clutching her slumping body in my arms helplessly as she's slipping away... She's gone... I feel agony, pain... Feeling had I not been so foolish in the prior moments, none of it would have happened. I hold her lifeless body close... A tiny broken compass serving as a pendant on a necklace lays on her chest broken. I look at it and begin to cry immense tears of pain. I think of how much I loved Mr Girl and how it was too late to bring her back. I lost her... the person I felt so deeply connected to... The unspoken, unbreakable bond... broken. I can't help but sob and cry.
As the intensity of the tears comes to crescendo, to full force, to full intensity... I awaken from the dream....
I feel real tears streaming down my face, gravity bringing them towards my bed as I lay on my right side... A pain and remorse that felt all too real...
It's interesting how dreams can make us feel and experience real pain, both physical and emotional...
Secretly I wake up, almost wishing I could wake up from waking up... Wishing for a dream within a dream... for the pain carried on into real waking hours.... My heart ached...
Alas, I can only collect myself and continue living real life.... Wipe away the tears, keep living...
A variation of what Dori from "Finding Nemo" says.... Her "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." Just keep living, just keep living... And keep on trying to be better....
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