Dreamt of a health establishment name

I had a dream I was part of some veggie/health restaurant with a name based on a song by Patti and Tuck.  The name of the place featuring awesome food was "Ready to Live."

Connectedness...

After going through some recent pangs of loneliness...  I've been wondering why I might be feeling such things...

I believe we all want an Audience.  We want to be seen, heard, felt, and appreciated...  When we feel no one relates to us...   we feel lonely...

Lately I feel very lonely...  Though I know it's partially my fault...

I know one can feel connected while being alone via meditation...  But right now I'm running away rather than remaining still.

Sports, Athletics, and Physical Activity to Me...

So often sports, movement, and sweat have offered solace to my soul...

For myself so often I've found it to be one of the best medicines...

I'm so thankful for my physical health so that I can experience the endorphin rush that comes along with physical activity...

Sports have also been a key source of one of my favorite things in the whole wide world...  The experience of flow... The oneness... The timeless...  The ecstasy of melting, feeling totally connected to everything while losing oneself...

Hiking, biking, and tennis... You are some of the loves of my life....

Losing things we love...

No matter how much I try to prepare... No matter how much I try to be strong and tell myself it will be okay...  I find it still hurts deep down inside...

Yesterday I let go of a kitten I had raised since it was 1 week old... An orphaned kitten that could barely walk...  That could fit into the palm of my hand...  That would cry constantly for company and food while it staggered aimlessly around with its one eye opened, not yet able to fully see...

Trying to get it to eat...  Trying to get it to exercise... Trying to get it to go into the sun outside to explore...

From a fragile little thing that would sleep in my lap...  To a playful rambunctious little guy that could entertain itself playing with inanimate objects....  Running, pawing, stalking, exploring the world around it...

I'm hoping and praying you're in better hands now...  I'll totally miss you little guy...  This man of a mommy cat who never quite liked cats...  My heart fell for you...  And now there's an empty space where you used to sleep...

May you live long and prosper...  May your future life be filled with much happiness...

To my "Orphy"...  Much love from your Daddy/Mommy...  When life was tenuous, you held on with your strength of will...  May I learn the same from you...

FInally gathered enough courage to do some Tonglen today...

I've been avoiding doing the practice... Well frankly... lately I've felt like crap...
And I wanted to avoid giving myself even more pain via the practice...

I finally mustered up enough courage to practice...
My heart ached while doing it...  I wanted to cry...

Though it's strange...
There is some residual ache from the practice...
And it feels concentrated around my heart...
Yet I feel so much better now...

Gone is the diffuse pain I was feeling...
Gone is the disconnectedness I felt...  feelings of loneliness...
The diffuse pain I was running from...
And now I feel "Happy Hurt" if that makes any sense...

I guess it's a reminder to be more courageous when facing things uncomfortable.
With "courage and an open heart "seems to change the effects.
With the open heart, sadness and a deeper sense of happiness can coexist...

And all of the sudden I feel more compassionate again...
I feel more connected...
I feel happier despite any aches...

Tonglen Practice...

Lately I've been too wimpy to practice Tonglen...
Afraid to feel hurt...
Not open to it...
I avoid doing the practice even when I know the benefit and how I feel afterwards...

I procrastinate, I put it off for other things...
To better myself I must continue working on my courage and strength...
Do these things so I can better love myself by doing things I need to do...
So that I can better love others, being kind and loving...
Especially when I don't want to, or Perhaps it's not so convenient...

Vegetarianism is a symbol of my ideal...
To want to be beyond myself...
Beyond my own corporeal selfish wants and desires...
To be more spiritual and loving of others...

Lately I want to be selfish...  I want to wallow in my self-pity... my self guilt of how good I have it...
Yet so often I'm unable to act...
I have to face myself... The self I don't care for too much...
Accept all parts of myself...

Then proceed...  Act...  Become Better....
And finally trust in myself, trust in life, and trust in people...
Faith that when I put in the effort to create positive things...
Everything will somehow work out...  (Somehow in the end, it always does... I truly believe this...  It's the small victories that count....)

Truths...

There are truths I can't hide from...
I can't run away from...
Too often it's in my dreams these are revealed...

My deepest fears... My deepest concerns...
I've been having some scary and interesting dreams...
Either way, Both tell me I need to toughen up...
To have more courage....
To have more strength...
To better myself...

Dreams in which we cry...

I had just woken up from an intense dream...  It was a "My Girl" type dream...  Around the times before pre-teens.  There were three of us...  Me, My Girl, and another boy.  We'd swim tributaries together full of tules/reeds surrounding the banks...  And there were shallow tunnels created by leftover piles of carpeting and plywood, tunnels we'd swim under...

Me and the other boy get into an argument while swimming.  A scuffle ensues, stirring up the river sediment, making the waters cloudy, murky.  My Girl tells me to knock it off, that I'm being immature...  This all happened just before one of those happenstance-tunnels we'd swim under.  I knew My Girl is right... So I try to stop the tension between me and the other boy.  The other boy ignores my pleas... He starts to swim into the now silt-laden tunnel...  I grab his ankle telling him not to go since it's too dangerous not being able to see.  He's angry and he doesn't listen.  My Girl proceeds to swim along side him as he escapes my grasp...  At this point I go around the pile, the makeshift tunnel.  I'm frightened at my stupidity, my childishness...  Afraid the scuffle I was responsible for might cause harm.  I wait for the other boy to surface through the brown murky waters... He does...  But a few seconds lapse, and there is no sign of  My Girl...

I begin to panic...  My Girl wasn't surfacing.  In a wild frenzy I begin shedding layer upon layer of old water laden carpets laid thick... The happenstance tunnel, I wildly whittle away at.  I yell at my friend to call the police, to call 911...  There happened to be a pay phone nearby....  Wildly flailing away at the carpets, I'm consumed with guilt...  Had I not been so childish, the silt buildup caused from the thrashing would not have gotten her stuck.  I finally get to the last layer as my other friend is calling...  My Girl's pulse is faint and fading... She's broken.  I'm clutching her slumping body in my arms helplessly as she's slipping away...  She's gone...  I feel agony, pain...  Feeling had I not been so foolish in the prior moments, none of it would have happened.  I hold her lifeless body close...  A tiny broken compass serving as a pendant on a necklace lays on her chest broken.  I look at it and begin to cry immense tears of pain.  I think of how much I loved Mr Girl and how it was too late to bring her back.  I lost her... the person I felt so deeply connected to...  The unspoken, unbreakable bond...  broken.  I can't help but sob and cry.

As the intensity of the tears comes to crescendo, to full force, to full intensity... I awaken from the dream....

I feel real tears streaming down my face, gravity bringing them towards my bed as I lay on my right side...  A pain and remorse that felt all too real...

It's interesting how dreams can make us feel and experience real pain, both physical and emotional...

Secretly I wake up, almost wishing I could wake up from waking up... Wishing for a dream within a dream... for the pain carried on into real waking hours....  My heart ached...

Alas, I can only collect myself and continue living real life....  Wipe away the tears, keep living...

A variation of what Dori from "Finding Nemo" says.... Her "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."  Just keep living, just keep living...  And keep on trying to be better....