Desired Results and/or Desired Experience

It seems most people tend to lean one way or another when it comes to pleasure, enjoyment, or quality of life.

It seems some people focus mostly on the results of actions, helping them to enjoy more comfort, pleasure, etc.

While some people tend to focus more on the enjoyment gained from the experience itself, and thus are more motivated by more moment-to-moment engagement.

When we are in our element or in a state of being like flow, it seems we can enjoy both the Results and the Experience.

Confessions of A Dabbler

I am a casual broad learner who loves to learn things for fun. I jump from topic to topic, book to book, learning project to learning project... And at the same time, a part of me beats me up for not sticking to things, for not doings things on a more consistent basis. As much as I would like to deepen my knowledge and really hone and polish skills I have picked up along the way, my strong urge and impulse towards new and shiny things almost always wins out.

While not deep or polished, my explorations are broad. By striking While The Iron Is Still Hot, I have managed to create random collections: Books I have read on various topics, Photographs I have taken using various subjects, Journal entries I have written based on wherever my mind was at the time, Occasional Poems, Music I have put together or covered as current passions dictated, Shared Knowledge between myself and others...

I think the dynamic between the haphazard-casual-learner-Me versus the aspiring-towards-compulsory and consistent-taskmaster-hoped-for-me will continue. I think I will continue to feel guilt over my lack of consistency. While not deep or polished, I hope to be able to take solace in how broad and varied my explorations are. My desire is to continue to learn and do new things, and I am indeed fulfilling that want. Perhaps if I were more disciplined I would know more, and I would be able to do more of the skill-based things I want to do with more aplomb... But for now, I can take some comfort in looking at my collection that is kind of neat *breaks out in Ariel Little Mermaid voice.

Just NOT Doing It: Questioning What I Feel Compelled To Do

There are things I have felt the need or desire to do, then I do them without much fuss or questioning. An example is my desire to write down my thoughts in a journal, which started in college. It is something I just wound up doing without questioning. It is something I Just Did, and I feel it has helped to enrich my own life.

But then there are other things where a strong desire sprung up, and yet I have found myself questioning: "Why Am I Doing This?", "Is this something I can commit to?",  "Is it worth my efforts?", etc. With a plant-based diet, it was something I vacillated over a period of months, experiencing a lot of inner dissonance and instability. When I finally settled in and decided, although difficult, it was something that brought me personal fulfillment and a sense of groundedness, and that was enough.

With my random desires to do things that in my mind are potentially frivolous, I have trouble Just Doing It. Things like music and photography, which I find myself wanting to do, I keep questioning why I do it, or what the point is, etc. The act of constantly questioning and Just NOT Doing it has been a constant source of mental and emotional instability. And yet I find myself coming back over and over again to this flame which stirs up all of my inner-crazy...

"I Would Like To Know..."

What happens next...

If others can see what I think I am seeing...

What I can do if...

Is It Possible Now?

I am someone who feels strongly compelled to seek out possible answers to questions. Though, once I feel I get the gist of the answer, then I often lose motivation to continue seeking. What I tend to fail to consider is the changing circumstances.

I never frame a question as "Is it possible now?" given the current circumstance. Can I learn this thing at my current age? condition? situation? etc. Each moment gives a potentially new question that I hadn't considered before because circumstances do continue to keep changing.

The Rules of Our Environment

As if in a dream
We follow the rules of our environment
Laying out a path in the storyline

"You Must Comply to Avoid Punishment"

As if by Invisible Strings We Buy In, We Participate:

You kids won’t get toys if you don’t behave and if you question the existence of.

You must be dutiful and loyal in order to avoid being ostracized.

You must do things in the manner that we want, or we will label you, so you carry this mark of shame.

We will suspend you and stop you from attending this thing you don’t even want to attend in the first place. This will go on your permanent record.

You must acquiesce to the rules we have decided, or face an unseen punishment you can’t even begin to imagine.

Following Through on Spontaneity

A lot of people talk about "Directing One's Will." I think the approach that works better for me is to "Follow through on spontaneity." If I suddenly think about something, then it is helpful for me to follow through on any related actions connected to that thought. Probably not the best for social behaviors. lol. But it seems to help for random tasks such as skill building.

Advice, Mantras, and Narratives

A lot of advice people give tends to be advice that works for their own psychology. There is a tendency to say "This is the right way to think!", when in fact it is likely the best way to think for that particular psychology.

To Be Deferential? Or Not To Be Deferential?

When we choose to be deferential or not deferential... I wonder how that affects our interactions and relationships with others. And why do we choose to do one over the other? How does that affect our relationship or feelings about ourselves?

Pleasure and Pain Exploration

I seem to be really in tune with my own feelings of pleasure and pain, yet at the same time, I am often unaware of what will trigger pleasure or pain within me. I find it takes a lot of trial and error and many experiences to get a general idea of what will usually trigger pleasure or pain within me... and at the same time, my reactions are not always consistent, varying in presence and intensity.

Integration Goals

My own tendency is that of avoidance, and yet I have an overall goal of integration.

I notice some people have a tendency of going towards and combining, and yet also have goals of trying to differentiate and separate.

It's as if each tends to exist in one territory, but seeks to go towards the other.

The Vicious Cycle of Unmet Needs

There seems to exist a kind of vicious cycle related to unmet needs. When the needs we consistently prioritize keep going unmet, we develop feelings of frustration and desperation. We fall into a kind of Fight of Flight mode since we feel we are in danger.

If we start to use an aggressive Fight strategy to get our needs met, trying to demand more of others, we potentially start to drive people away, creating another Unmet Need, one that is very core to our psychology as social beings: Our need for connection and support from others. This potentially Further Increases feelings of frustration, desperation, and fear.

If we use a flight mode, trying to passively demand more of others, or to try to preemptively protect ourselves through avoidance, we directly lose our connection with others through our act of separation. Increased fear, loneliness, and anxiety potentially creep in as we try to preserve the remaining connections we still have, fearing a loss of those connections and sources of support. But the very guarded nature of trying to protect oneself, often creates a barrier that pushes people away, leading to the very thing that is feared: loss of connection and support.