Stewards of Gifts Bestowed Upon Us

To take care of and nurture those gifts passed on to us... To find creative ways to turn something into a gift that keeps giving... To utilize gifts in a manner that helps bring out the best in ourselves and in others...

Aspirational Loneliness

Aspirational Loneliness- The feeling that results when we perceive ourselves to be far away from our aspired idealized self or identity. A feeling that reflects the desire to close the perceived gap between perceived outer reality and aspired inner reality.

Identity Building as Medicine?

There exists the idea that within each of us exists a kind of idealized image which we aspire towards. We get feedback from those around us regarding the direction we are headed, if we are getting closer to that goal. The idea of Self-Esteem is thought to be related to how closely reflected reality comes to the inner self-concept we aspire towards. The closer we get to that ideal, the better we tend to feel about ourselves.

So what if we were to highlight all the instances that are in line with the inner aspiration, reflecting back those times that reflect getting closer to the inner goals? Can it serve as medicine for those who suffer because they so badly want to get closer to the inner ideal they seek? Each instance can serve as a reference point, building and strengthening belief that we are indeed inching closer to the elixir of our inner aspirations.... helping to alleviate the perceived aspirational-inner-loneliness that happens when we feel separated from our ideal Self, uniting the outer with the inner.

Strongly Held Beliefs and Assumptions: Power, Privilege, and Status

Over time I start to realize some of my strongly held beliefs and assumptions. Today I came across a "should" belief... The belief that those with power, privilege, and status should do their best to take care of others with less of those things. I find it interesting how Strongly I felt about this belief.

Personal Status and Social Status

There seems to exists a Personal Status that is governed by rules according to our internal programming. Whether from predisposition or birth, or from developmental environmental factors, we seem to arrive at internal programming that determines personal self-satisfaction, or personal integrity. Like a plant or tree we realize our boundaries, and to grow we must grow within and along those boundaries. Gains made within those boundaries give rise to Personal Status: The things that make us personally proud of ourselves.

We spend much time trying to find groups whose status markers align with our own more intrinsic personal status markers of Self-Esteem. We feel harmony when the groups we associate ourselves with align with Personal Status Goals: We feel a sense of belonging through common shared goals or interests. If the groups status markers, the things they value most, do not align with our own status markers, we feel a sense of not belonging and not feeling valued, as our status within the group diminishes. As social beings who need and want to feel valued, we feel threatened as we are pushed along the edges of the herd.

Our relationships with ourselves, our internal programming, as well as with others as social beings, governs that we must feel valued. The feeling of being valued, or having social status, in a group context it conveys an underlying feeling of safety, believing we will have the favor and support of others. Feeling self-value, or having personal status, ensures a feeling of stability within, living in accordance to our inner-programming, within the boundaries we have established as individual organisms. We live in a reality that features both the Internal and the External. To be "well-adjusted" is to find some semblance of harmony and balance between the two. Personal Integrity and values and Group Integrity and values may or may not align, and that is the reality we must live with in this thing we call human life.

Rooted In the Earth, Reaching for the Heavens

Mindsets and actions seem to change only within the root of our Essential and most Fundamental Mindsets. We change most within the boundaries of our strongest tendencies.

Falling Into A Storyline

Often times, like what happens in dreams, we fall into a storyline without knowing it. We are immersed into the narrative so deeply that we follow along, continuing along the path wherever it tends to lead. Sometimes we are even lucent enough to observe what is happening, yet we are still at the mercy of the storyline, pulled in to play a role.

The Most Fundamental Mindsets

The most fundamental mindsets are those that involve maintenance.

The first one being maintenance of our own life and those we associate being connected to ourselves. All living beings have it in their mind to keep their own life going. It could be through their own immediate life, family, friends, or even something more abstract as legacy, status, or social capital.

The next most fundamental mindset is maintenance of mindset itself. The narratives that we grow into or learn about ourselves and the world around us, and our beliefs of how we fit into the larger picture of it all. We strongly believe in our roles, our identities, and will defend it to the point of a "willingness to give up one's own life" for the sake of defending those narratives. We are able and willing to take other lives, as well as dying ourselves in order to keep the mindsets we have somehow adopted alive. We can delude ourselves into believing we are "sacrificing", when in fact we are still attempting to maintain and defend something very abstract through that act of "sacrifice."

The Thought, The Word, The Gesture

As human beings, our brains are wired such that thoughts, words, and gestures can all influence each other, each with its own transformative ability within the dance with each other... to shift, to create, to destroy... to uplift, to suppress powerful energies that reside within us.

Low Hanging Fruit

There are some who try to reach higher
By going after low hanging fruit

Status and Visibility

Those with status we tend to pay attention to more and see them. We often wish to be associated with them and get closer.

Those without status, as seen with how we treat the homeless, we tend to ignore them, choosing to put blinders on, pretending as if they weren't there. We tend to distance ourselves from them, walking past or walking away from them as if they don't exist and yet they do.

Providing a Good Life

Everyone is trying to provide or obtain a good life... Trying to provide or obtain the best life they can with what they have and what they know.

The Inner Goal of Clearer More Defined Awareness

Somehow it is one of my main goals to gain clearer more defined self-awareness, even if it involves those things people typically might not want to identify with, even if it involves those things I may not want to identify with.

Whatever the means, whether through insights, contemplation, or dreams... these things help me to go where I wish.

Entranced

Entranced
Attracted
Sometimes delighted
Sometimes wanting to be free
Before burning up at the flame

Mind on a Carousel

My mind running away from itself
Spinning while going nowhere
On an endless cycle

Spoon Feed Me a Life Philosophy

Spoon feed me a life philosophy
So that I may have a more well-defined direction
Please spoon feed me one that is agreeable to my system
One that I find palatable and digestible
One that can nourish me in all ways

Be Yourself?

For some people, being their normal usual selves can have extremely harsh consequences. During those times is it really wise to "be yourself"? The roles we play and the energy we exude can alter dynamics of a situation, sometimes favorably to ourselves and sometimes unfavorably.

Standards We find Difficult or Impossible to Live Up To

There are standards we find difficult or even impossible to live up to because those standards are often comparisons to others, and because there are often times where the standard we can live up to is being where we are and who we are. To ask ourselves to be another person is quite difficult and sometimes impossible.

Ongoing Narratives Related to Fear

Today I was reminded via dream one of my ongoing narratives related to fear. It seems most of us have some kind of ongoing narrative related to fear that continues to repeat itself. For me, in the dream, I was reminded that I often feel that what I do isn't good enough and that I somehow don't fit in amongst my peers. No matter where I am in life, this is a shadow that seems to keep on following me.

Destiny?

Destiny seems to be our paths of least resistance, our tendencies, our patterns, and the dynamics that result from following those paths.

The Stars Above

All that I am
And all that I'm gonna to be
Will the stars keep on shining above

All that I'm not
And all that I want to be
Will the stars help to keep us aligned

So that our love
Will find our way through the night
To become what it always could be

Away From Home

For me Home is being able to tap into the places that acknowledge our deepest connection: Tapping into the Mystery.

Being away from home feels like something missing, floating far away from orbit, from the strongest gravitational pull. Attending to lesser desires has its own pull, but not with the same breadth and gravity... not enough to completely fill the cup but for a moment... but enough to fill a small, yet somehow important, portion.

In the Grip of Overwhelming Forces

In the grip of overwhelming forces...
Pushing me towards places I do not know if I am capable:
Desire for the unreachable

To Meld with Unconscious Energies

To meld with unconscious energies, the ineffable... Ultimately it seems that is what I seek. To engage with what feels soulful to me... To find what feels like it has and always has been a part of me... To open my eyes to all of those things...

Psychological Energy Expenditure and The Path of Least Reistance

There is a phenomenon where we tend to like to give ourselves credit for the effort that we put in. We are often happy about ourselves, expending our psychological energy, even doing things that feel a bit challenging or uncomfortable. And while it may be true there is effort involved, we tend to expend effort within the framework of our own psychological tendencies, following the path of least psychological resistance. We give effort, but it is within a frame.

Devotion

One of the strongest parts of my identity, or how I view myself, involves devotion. For those things I hold near and dear to my heart, the things I believe to be most important... I continue to be unwavering and devoted to keep on going in the direction I believe in.

The Wholeness In the Holidays

Holidays represent and encapsulate the wholeness of our being, from the most primitive to the most high... Our deepest longings and our most terrifying fears... intertwined, yet put into a place that acknowledges those parts. The most wholesome and unwholesome in an ongoing dance for what it takes to live and what it means to live, and how to go about the process of living and dying.

My Violent Resistance of the Mind

I have a tendency to try to interpret what others want. Sometimes I am correct, and other times I am not. If ever I interpret that the other is demanding something of me, as a strategy to protect my own desired autonomy, I tend to violently resist by withholding that thing I believe they are asking for. I will completely refuse, pitting my desire against the desire I believe they are demanding to have met.

I suppose the way out for me is to recognize my own wants, and how I go about making demands through my own violent resistance of the mind.

Grief and Loss

Over the years of dealing with unexpected loss of connections and relationships, and then dealing with the fallout... I have learned that the only choice is to keep going despite the pain from the initial loss... to keep going even if pain lingers... Keep going, even if I don't know where is all I can do...

"Don't Think of Purple Elephants": Focus and Fixation

"Don't think of purple elephants"... "Don't think of polka dots..."

I wonder what the implications are regarding what we focus on. Our minds tend to produce all images related to the words think of or speak. In our minds we see all words, possibly affecting all facets of our perception: The more we speak or think the words, the more our minds might become focused or fixated on that thing that started in the imagination.... Every perceived thought, every perceived interpretation... potentially shaping our vision, our attitudes, and our actions. The images in the mind, potentially become the lenses which we see the world with. The world... a reflection of our own minds...

Gravitational Pull

For those things I tend to be drawn to, it seems if I stray away for a period of time, I develop longing and find myself wanting to come back once more.

First World Solutions

In this modern world I live in, I can satisfy my desire to indulge and my need to move physically at the same time: A screen to indulge and binge watch my favorite shows combined with a stationary exercise machine... lazy indulgence combines with physical exercise

Our Unconscious Self-Preservation Drive

Our own unconscious self-preservation drive often blinds us to seeing the preservation drive that exists in others like ourselves to the point where we don't acknowledge others as being the same as us... that they too have the same wishes...

Tennis Lessons

Tennis offers up a very tangible view of the effects of the mind. The best tennis that resides within us happens when the mind is free and clear. When we want a desired result but without grasping too tightly. Directing focus on the task at hand, rather than the outcome yet to be, helps to free up the mind, which also helps to free up the body to do what it already knows how to do.

Tennis lets us know when we feel at our Best. Our best effort comes when we are focused, free, and have faith. Our best solidly hit strokes occur when we are able to reach this state mentally. Having faith in the act and free from fear related to our imagined self-images, we experience a different way of being.

Culture, Art, and Religion

Culture, Art, and Religion are the mediums we humans use to access the more unconscious parts of ourselves... the part that is More than just ourselves.

Uprooted

Sometimes a plant can be uprooted, then replanted in another area and thrive.
Sometimes when a plant is uprooted, then replanted it dies.
Timing, territory, and root strength all contribute to the possible outcome.

Pathfinding: Find One's Path, then Let Go

Find one's path, but hold lightly
Deepen the groove while simultaneously letting go

Our own Piece of The Flame

We all have our own piece of The Flame
When cultivated, it shines brightly
But as a fragment, it only shines directionally
The intensity of our light, casts dark shadows
It is with the aid of others that we can be more aware
More aware of the shadows we cast
As well as the light that we shine

The Fool who Cares Deeply

To care deeply about loved ones
But still do stupid shit that hurts those we care about
A Fool who cannot help but be strongly attracted
To Both
A Fool who must live with the consequences
Of Actions
Of Feelings
While trying to get off of the sidelines
Tied to the back of the boat

The Question

To Be
Or to Try to be?

That is the question.

"Stop Your Crying!": The Terror of a Small Child

"Stop Your Crying!" said the adult to the small child who was crying while being physically punished. The physical pain creating a plea in the form of tears: A plea to be free of the pain and suffering at hand.

A plea that is forced to go silent while enduring the pain. To cry more means more physical pain to come... The emotional pain stemming from the need to be heard is held like a breath under water...

No more crying... Only holding one's breath.

Hiding My Shame, Hiding My Presence

I hide out, trying to hide my most shameful parts
And in the process I wind up hiding my Presence as well
Leaving others feeling disconnected
Creating the prophesy I feel most scared of:
Losing connection

Discomfort in Either Direction

There is discomfort in either direction we choose...
To do or not to, each with their own set of challenges...
But one choice likely has the nectar we so desperately crave.

Overcoming and Surrendering

How can we discern when it is time to keep pushing forward, to overcome the challenge ahead of us Versus when it is time to yield and surrender?

How can we discern when our experience is pushing us forward or pulling us back? Offering up the direction we truly wish to go.

At what point is dissonance and discomfort something to be delved into? And at what point is it something to be withdrawn from?

The Goldilocks amount of Personalization?

In the past there are times where personal mission and quests have filled me with passion and energy, enough to motivate me strongly to reach some desired goals...

But there are also times where something seems overly personal, and instead I get stuck, especially if it relates to building or defending some kind of self-image.

There seems to exist a sweet spot for using the personal to fuel oneself for movement.

Lidocaine Cake on a Hook

There are moments in the everyday that invite us to stay tethered to where we are... Moments that are opportunities to practice mental and emotional weightlifting, through a conscious willingness to delve into what we find uncomfortable, an opportunity to enter into the rawness of our experience.

Deferring to Others

Some people defer to others in the form of physical comforts, like allowing others to get their share of food before eating themselves, helping to meet the physical needs of others before themselves.

Some people likely defer in the form of psychological and emotional space, allowing others to live out and express their psychology, allowing mental space and room for such expression.

The Fires of Eternity

Embers burn, filling the air with suffocating soot and smoke
In what feels like the heaviest eternity
Until true Eternity reveals itself...
Reunited with the eternal warmth...
Reunited with the fires from within:
True North

Love Just Is and Love Just Isn't

There exists a love deep within the psyche that isn't dependent upon fulfilling needs related to continuous material existence...

There also exists a love that is expressed in the fulfillment of needs related to continuous material existence, meeting needs, wants, and desires related to our continued physical survival.

The physical form serves as a medium where the love that exists deep within, can be felt and expressed. As humans we cannot experience one without the other.

The Suffocating Storm Comes in Like a Flash Flood

The suffocating storm comes in like a flash flood...
And all I can do is attempt to ride it out while in a powerless state...
To do my best to take shelter if possible...
And wait, and wait some more...
With the hope of remembering or seeing the sun...

Tethered To The Earth

Before inflating and floating off into the sky
Tether oneself to the earth
Before sinking too deeply into the ground below
Tether oneself to the earth

Anchor, and remain connected
To the humblest of ground

Accepting the Reality of Dream States

For the most part when we dream, we are unaware that we are dreaming. We believe the experience to be reality, which creates the opportunity to live out many lives. The roles that we fall into with each dream, the environments we live in and experience... we go along with it because we believe it to be real.

I often wonder how much waking life is like this... the going along and acceptance of role and environments.... and acting out in a way that is consistent with the reality we believe to be true... going along with the narrative that exists, not really knowing where it came from, and likely not questioning it, but living through it...

If there exists a "Good hurt", is there a "Good Discomfort" and "Good Fear"?

In massage there exists the principle of "Good hurt" for facilitating the healing process, restoring the body to a healthier state. For other activities is it possible there also exists "Good hurt", or "Good Discomfort"... Or delving into "Good Fear?" in order to help restore our minds or bodies to a healthier state? Or some place we want to go toward?

The Root of what we typically define as "Evil": Over expressions of Survival

The actions we typically consider as "evil" are rooted in the over expression of survival. Our desire for our own survival can be so strong that we stop considering the deeper needs of others related to their survival. Conscious or unconscious fears of death, or a grasping to one's own life so tightly can lead to violence, no longer honoring or protecting the needs of others.

The Spawning of My Demons and A Loss of Faith

It was around Junior High I lost faith. I used to be a believer in the Catholic church thanks to my upbringing. I used to believe that prayer could help escape any pain and suffering through some kind of divine intervention.

From early on I was someone who was quiet. I was someone seen as timid. I was someone who was likely seen as soft and easy to take advantage of if wanted. For the most part, growing up, my experiences were pleasant, with the exception of social situations where I did not feel safe.

I recently learned of an incident with a babysitter where my mother came to check up on my sister and I unexpectedly... only to find both my sister in I put into corners, wet, dripping with what looked like sweat... likely crying. We were immediately taken out of that situation by my mother, with her taking us to my sister's godparents. With my sister's godparents I remember experiences of feeling very safe and loved, "It's okay mijo" as Estella would gently rock me in her arms while massaging my back...

Fast forward to preschool... I remember the teacher poking fun of my mistake on a paste and order project, and everyone in the class laughing... as if using shame and embarrassment as a tactic for correction. I was confused as to what was happening, but I understood early on the feeling of being on the outside fringe of a group. All throughout my schooling life, I remember being neurotic about making mistakes, only for it to get worse and worse as I aged, trying to be as perfect and error free as possible. It took learning of new mindsets to be able to get into a more relaxed state of mind. The tension within me still exists to this day in an ongoing battle that can at times bring me to a halt down to my knees.

By the time I was in Junior High, I was someone who was a straight A student, but someone who was always uptight. I was always frightened of failing, of doing poorly on tests. I still have dreams about being unable to find an exam room, and going in unprepared. I did well in school, but it was never enjoyable. I was the weird but nice smart kid. I was quite small for my age at the time. Someone who was once somewhat of a friend started picking on me daily at the time, hurting me physically, and telling me to be a man, knowing I was someone unlikely to fight back.

I used to be someone who said my prayers nightly. Each day after school, after being picked on, at night I would pray for it to please stop, sometimes crying myself to sleep. I would pray and pray and it would never end. Somewhere along the way of repeated unanswered prayers, I lost faith in prayer. I lost faith in God. My religion I grew up with died.

I would go through high school no longer praying. I was picked on during the early years of high school. I started to harden and feel aggression. As I grew physically, I could threaten those smaller than me, preventing them from harming me. Walls needed to be erected between myself and others. Within those walls existed quiet smoldering embers... the fuel for my rage... the smoke of my sorrows.

By the time college came around, accompanied by my demons, I felt the need to find my own way. The loss of faith meant a loss of my childhood religion. Yet I still needed something to believe in. I was exposed to Buddhist ideas, influencing my seeing. I could relate to suffering. I could relate contemplation. I could relate to the idea that all beings wish to be free of suffering. My demons could be used for something I believed in. My demons could be used in my search for a way of living that I would wish for myself and others. My demons simultaneously separated me from others, while also drawing me in nearer on a psychological level.

If there really is such a thing as destiny or fate, then perhaps there was a reason for many of my unanswered prayers. If there is no such thing, then there are events that served as pivotal points along my path. Either way, all that has happened has contributed to my unfolding... stimulus to reveal what might be within.

Creative Conversion Therapy

"Mom... Dad... I think I am attracted to creation... I am unsure what to do about it..."

"Don't worry, we will get the creative out of you. We will beat it out if we have to."

Status Moves

Attempts at self-improvement= neutral
Attempts at bringing others down= low status
Attempts at raising others up= high status

Jealousy as a Compass

In some people the feeling of Jealousy can act as a strong Compass for some of the things we really want and desire...

I remember when I first started my photography journey... I would feel so jealous of others who would receive praise for their photographs. At the time (and still now) I wanted others to like and enjoy photographs I put out there. It was and still is a strong desire within, even if I don't always fully acknowledge it.

The Sense of Belonging

The sense of belonging is such a strange and abstract thing, often fueled by perceptions related to actions, symbols, and chosen delivery of words.

The Price of My Choices

I have made so many choices...
Where I lose some of the things I cherish most,
Unable to go towards that which I thought I want most...
The pain of absence fills me because of so many of my choices...
I can only hope and pray...
That I can somehow make my choices count for something...
Anything...

From my deathly state...
I hope there is life in there...
Somewhere...
Anywhere...

Beneath Many Monsters

Beneath the surface of many monsters, is someone who feels vulnerable and helpless...

Looking For Respect, Consideration, and Understanding

As social beings who rely upon each other, I think we are all seeking spaces where we are given respect, consideration, and understanding.

Seeking and Finding My Own Answers

One thing that is consistent with me is my continued self-absorbed seeking... looking to find my own answers... finding that which rings true for Me.... Every experience revealing another piece... with the hopes of seeing as clearly as possible...

Space and Time Mindsets

What effect, if any, does altering one's mindset related to the things we do, have?

Thinking about what one has Not Done, and what one Does Not Do (related to working towards one's goals and aspirations): Non-Materialized mindsets...What One Is Not

VS

Thinking about all the things one Has Done, and the things one Currently Does (related to working towards one's goals and aspirations): Materialized mindsets... What One Is

Are there any effects on Mood and Motivation? Self-worth and Self-esteem? Does one way help some people more than the other? Is it helpful to think both ways?

What Traits and Behaviors We Believe to Be Valuable and Worthwhile

It is my belief that much of what we believe to be valuable and worthwhile is a result of our closest connections. Growing up that means caregivers and parents, friends and peers. The traits and behaviors they promote and affirm to be worthwhile doing, likely gets ingrained into our own brains. In a Nurture meets Nature scenario, the result might either affirm one's predispositions, or it can create a scenario where one might have Self-Esteem issues, because of differing sources of Idealized Self-Image.

On one hand, one wants to be one way because that is what is taught... on the other hand, one wants to be another way based on one's own Inner Tendencies.

Resolving the differences becomes one of Life's Tasks.

Specialization: The Things We Do For Others

The things we do for others, and often want from others, are the very things we ourselves specialize in.

What we do for others, oftentimes others can't do for us, unless they too have a similar psychology.

Our Best

Our Best is always Now
Everything else is just Imagined

Attention and Input Management Vs. Time Management

I am under the impression that it is better for me to focus on managing my attention and the kinds of inputs my senses are taking in.

I have a tendency to follow along with whatever input comes next, thus narrowing down inputs and options might help create a more general direction for my river of consciousness to follow.

From Impulse and Honeymoon Stage to Cultivated Territory

Much of what I do starts as situational impulse. Events coming together in my life... the timing of objects, my mood, and my attention... sparking interest in exploring an area... Sometimes being blindside by new found interest and infatuation.

After an initial honeymoon stage, a chance to connect to deeper parts of my psyche... I will learn if my love runs deeper... For the loves of my life I will continue to keep cultivate a territory... wanting to nurture and grow fertile ground to see what comes of it...

Our Vulnerable Spots... To Dismiss, Ignore, or Fight Against?

As I observe myself and others in relationship to vulnerable areas, areas where one feels uncomfortable, unskilled, and/or unstable... I tend to see several approaches: To Dismiss, To Ignore, or the be Contra towards by delving into what is perceived to be a vulnerable spot.

How does one know what is the best approach for themselves? Or are people naturally inclined to choose an approach for better or for worse? Or do we learn and adopt an approach based on past successes?

Valuable Worthwhile Contributions and Perspective

Everyone tends to have their own perspective, their own priorities regarding what they consider to be valuable and worthwhile...

For the sake of our own psyches, it is important to find others who also value our unique contributions, so that we may be affirmed of our own value to a group as social beings.

The Cascade from Thought to Action

The actions I take often begin with a single thought arising in my mind... If I am mindful and my will is fully intact, there is a pause in between the thought and the action, deciding whether or not to follow up on the thought.

But my mind also has a tendency to jump from track to track, resulting in either very short abbreviated actions (following each thought to proceeding action briefly), or doing nothing at all, stuck in jumping from thought to thought without any action to follow.

If I want to take a course of action, it is often a challenge to stay on the track, the path that leads to the desired action.

Language within Language and Its Implications

There exists language within a language, with each person preferring to speak in one manner or another, reflecting mental preferences. There is a tendency to want to use one's own preferred language, which leads to a tendency to be drawn to and influenced by those who speak our same language. We feel understood by those who speak similar words that we speak: we feel connected and related. Yet at the same time, if we can only speak our own preferred language, we become limited in our scope of connection, understanding, and influence.

Enthusiasm and Influence

I find the kind of influence that really makes me feel good, is another person sharing in excitement and enthusiasm during moments I am experiencing excitement and enthusiasm... It's like enthusiasm helps to fuel MOAR enthusiasm... at least that's how it is with me....

The Pros and Cons of Mental Frameworks?

It seems that having a mental framework helps to highlight things, enabling us to see those very things more clearly... but at the same time, mental frameworks can potentially create boundary conditions where we fail to see content outside of the context of the mental framework we use.

Benchmarking: The Carrot on a Stick and Feedback that I am inching closer and closer

Reflecting on one of my primary motivators, I realize I need benchmarks, a kind of baseline to indicate where I currently am, along with a carrot on a stick, a goal not to far off from where I am but indicating where I would like to go. I also need a lot of feedback to indicate that what I am doing is getting me closer to where I want to go, a kind of compass indicating I'm on the desired path.

Past Meeting the Present

I often recall the past, searching for recurring patterns, with the hopes of bringing something new to the present.

Language Implying Inclusivity and Exclusivity

I wonder what it would be like to intentionally use language that implies inclusivity and exclusivity, where my own labels are part of the inclusive language... as if my labels are the "desirable" "higher status" labels.

Perhaps I'll start calling myself a "brown person" and everyone else are "non-brown persons", as if implying they are somehow in the group that is to be excluded.

I wonder what it's like to be a non-brown person, and to even read the term "non-brown person"... How does it feel?

Averse to Feedback that Indicates my Needs Aren't Being Met

I find I'm often so averse to feedback that suggests my needs aren't being met that do my best to avoid the feedback... Instead of listening to the feedback, and doing what is necessary to address the needs to be met:

Me: If I floss, my gums will bleed... must avoid flossing! I don't want to know how bad things have gotten!

Me: If I exercise, it might indicate just how out of shape I have become... Must avoid all exercise at all cost, showing how much fitness I have lost!!!!

Facing Mortality and Pared down Priorities

Somehow situations where we're faced with issues of Life and Death... when we come into contact with Mortality itself... Our frame of mind suddenly gets pared down to essentials... For myself, my mind focuses on living, or continuing to live itself... to continue to survive or help survive... to help maintain shared living connections, being aware of how we share our lives with other living beings, and realizing how much we value such connections.

The last time I experienced firsthand issues related to life and death, my mind's narrative distilled towards ideas of Fostering Enjoyment and Fulfillment in those who live as best as possible for wherever we are at the moment.

Overarching Themes over the last few years: My Core Motivational Principles

As someone who is often quite scatterbrained, jumping place-to-place, being really into one activity, then losing interest and shifting to another, I've been reflecting on those activities I have Come Back To Consistently, time and time again...

After much reflection, it seems there are a few overarching themes to those things I feel continuously motivated to do:

- Self-Expression: Trying to increase and hone my skills in areas that help open up opportunities for personal self-expression. So often I feel unable to express myself, often times feeling like what is within gets Stuck, needing some kind of medium to get it out. It feels freeing to actually be able to come close to expressing my experience.

- Aesthetic Self-Stimulation: As someone who often relies on modulating my various moods and emotional states, I find aesthetic self-stimulation to be one of the tools I go to often, whether it's for self-expression as mentioned above, or just pure enjoyment from engaging the senses with something that somehow feels meaningful, or sometimes there exists pleasure from viewing, listening, doing, etc... I find I want to somehow be touched within, with Something From the Outside, Reaching Something on the Inside.

- Curiosity and Ongoing Exploration: I find the act of continuously learning to be extremely pleasurable and satisfying. Somehow filling my brain helps fill the feel-good (perhaps due to early conditioning experiences?). I feel especially satisfied if what I am learning is tied to (in my perception) The Experience of Being a Human.... The Experience of Living itself... with all the Joys and the Sorrows, and the storylines that go along with all the ups and downs that come along with our individual journeys on this rotating sphere that revolves cyclically around the sun.

The Bottom Rung of The Social Ladder

The bottom rung of the social ladder is where individuals who are perceived to be weak in some facet are pushed towards within an individual group.

The bottom rung is one step from being kicked out of a group, which feels deeply threatening to our existence as social beings whose historical survival depended upon belonging to a group: In nature, ostracized animals are typically the most vulnerable to death.

The bottom rung is where many individuals fiercely try not to be because it's so close to the edge... inching closer and closer to increased vulnerability... closer and closer to death...

The bottom rung, while perceived to be weak, paradoxically must have some source of continued strength and persistence in order to hang on to the edge while continuing to have to endure acts of submission.

The bottom rung, in many ways serves as the protector of a group, often by being sacrificed. The integrity of an entity or system tends to rely on a defined border, and the bottom rung often serves as the outer edge or border of the system we call a group.

The bottom rung therefore is an integral part of the larger system, and while vulnerable and given the least protection, for the benefit of the whole system, must be afforded some protections by those higher up the ladder.

Submission to the Various Forces at Work

There are times where we are overcome by powerful forces from within... a part of us must submit and give permission for the forces to exert their power upon us, but at the same time for the sake of balance, we must submit to other forces at work, especially those involving the will and requests of others. There exists the dynamic of balancing desires and figuring out as diplomatically as possible how to get the needs related to those desires met... This is what it's like to be a social being... This is what it's like to be a human being, responding to others and the outer world, while responding to our own inner desires... The balancing of conscious will with unconscious will.

Information Whore

It seems one of my overarching themes is to gather a lot of information from different people, attempting to integrate many of their varying ideas, perspectives, and views into something I can use personally, especially for navigating the experience of living.

Religion as one of The Ultimate Mindsets?

To me it seems like religion is one of the ultimate mindsets. For those who are able to really be affected by religion to the point of deep resonance, it allows individuals and groups to really endure and persevere. For some it allows for a deep focus on some larger goal. For others it allows them to be willing to suffer or even die. And for some it allows for the willingness to kill others for the sake of something believed in, believing it will somehow protect or even gain favor and respect. Religion seems to serve as a mindset to be able bolster our efforts, allowing us to do some things that perhaps would be much more difficult without religion.

What a Leader is to Me

To me a leader is someone who guides, protects, and builds others up via their own position and strength, fostering growth of individuals for the benefit of the whole.

Sorting Skill Level into Hierarchy and Goldilocks

By sorting people according to their skill level, and having said people interact, it allows for the Goldilocks amount of challenge and resistance: Not too much and not too little... Fostering growth, allowing people to build up gradually without becoming too discouraged or too bored.

The Feel Good Outweighs the Feel Bad

I think so much of what we do depends of the Feel Good outweighing the Feel Bad. From the things we enjoy doing, our habits, and the people we spend time with.  Any kind of major change from our usual way of being often results in a lot of Feel Bad. It takes a lot of time and effort in order to create more of the Feel Good. Because of the initial discomfort, it is helpful to use as many resources as possible that contribute to the Feel Good to help us cope with the initial Feel Bad that results from major sudden change.

Acquiring Skills that Exist Outside of Nature: A Very Human Trait

As humans with a large amount of cerebral cortex, we are able to acquire skills that exist outside of nature. By some combination of modeling, guidance, mirroring, innovation, and intuition, and with enough repetition, we have an extreme ability to adapt and change, so long as we work within the framework of our mammalian rewards system.

It's likely that there are preexisting patterns that exist in nature (easily seen in other animals) that also serve as a framework guiding many of our behaviors, patterns, and predispositions. So likely it helps to work within those existing frameworks when acquiring skills that exist outside of nature.

When we attend concerts or sporting events, very concrete and observable reflections of skill acquisition, I believe that on some level, our admiration reflects our own human desire to continue to learn and adapt: It reflects our very human trait of acquiring skills that exist outside of nature within the framework of our mammalian rewards system.

I believe our admiration is a reflection of our own innate desires. I also believe on some level we know how difficult it is to create changes and acquire or increase our skills: We're admiring the quest and journey involved. As humans we constantly ride The Edge of Adaptation. We have to honor an ever-changing environment (that is often a product of what we create or have created), while simultaneously honoring our underlying primal instinctual desires (of safety and continued survival...  In a social animal context, gaining respect as well as gaining trusted allies are the most obvious manifestations of our underlying desires, as both create a feeling of safety within a group. From a physical body perspective, we wish to be free of too much pain and physical discomfort, and constantly seek ways to acquire resources that allow for hoped for increased physical safety). We also have to honor our preexisting tendencies (either from natural disposition or acquired through earlier experience). We all have a unique map full of desired destinations and obstacles along the way... Traveling that map is somehow very human.

The use of the Word "Baby" in a Romantic Relationship and Vulnerability

It's my belief that in romantic relationships, some people use the word "Baby" as an unconscious link towards feelings of vulnerability and the desire to feel protected. The mindset of being vulnerable creates an opportunity for another to honor that state of rawness (and fear), by offering protection and security. When the call and response are completed and answered via what is desired, oxytocin flows through our brains, by both Being someone who is trusted and by being someone who trusts, allowing for a feeling of deeper bonding and connection... By taking down our armor, we allow others to be there for us. Yet at the same time, taking down armor can result in what our brains consider increased chances of death... The exists of the risk being put into situations not helpful for getting our needs met... so ultimately we must use discernment in order to find those who will honor, respect, and help us along our journey of living.

Accepting as Real and Unreal

My dog (along with many other animals) does not recognize her own reflection in the mirror. She sees the image as another dog, who is real enough to attack... The image in the mirror is real enough to elicit a real emotional response.

It seems humans on the other hand can recognize what is an image representing reality, and simultaneously part of us doesn't recognize the image as not real. Images can elicit real emotional responses. We can watch television, being drawn into the point of experiencing real feelings of emotion. We can play video games, feeling satisfied over accomplishing goals that don't exist in actual physical reality. The imagery and experience is a close representation of real experiences in nature... enough to trigger our neurotransmitters...

As humans this seems to have the advantage of creating new kinds of realities into our environment. We can create new goals in order to shape our environment into a totally different way, creating things that can help get our needs met, things that don't actually exist in nature. Yet at the same time, the ability to feel stimulated by represented realities can create situations where our needs might not be met if what is being done isn't linked to some kind of real survival strategy or means.

This real and unreal experience creates a blurred reality. Part of us knows we can manipulate our experience of reality, while another part is still rooted in a more natural reality... We can only drift so far out of the natural reality, keeping our feet tied to the Earth, while our heads can look onward and upward into the Heavens.

Attempting to give Shape, Form, Definition, and Clarity to Experience

It seems one of my own overarching themes is that of attempting to give shape, form, definition and clarity to experiences, especially the experience of the inner as it relates to the outer. There seems to be an underlying hope that by increasing awareness that there will be some kind of increased understanding of what the inner experience (as it relates to the outer) points to.

All of the inner hopes, dreams, desires...
The wants, the needs, the inner impulses, the fear...
The instinctual as it relates to an ever evolving outer world and how we each must cope with different drives involved, as well as the many needs involved, both our own and others... and the varying needs of each situation in the process we call living or life...
The forks in the road made by choices that do not have an easily reached compromise or solution that can easily fulfill the many inner needs and desires involved...
The many lives lived and un-lived based on each decision...
The many frames of mind that can alter our experience and what we are willing and unwilling to do...

Writing, music, and photography have been a few of the ways I have attempted to give form to my own experience... I have hopes of gaining a better understanding for myself, along with the hope that perhaps the forms I present will also help others gain a better understanding for themselves, so that they may feel heard and understood in a very indirect way. What understanding will lead to, I do not know, but it seems to be my ongoing quest... The very act of writing this entry is an inner impulse within me attempting to give shape, form, definition, and clarity... Somehow I find it fulfilling, which leads me to such questions as Why do we do what we do?... And the bigger question of Why do we live? What is living for? Why do we have such a strong desire to continue along this journey? Why are we willing to struggle and suffer so much to be a part of this whole process???

Perhaps there are some things that are too difficult to answer... But for those things that feel within my grasp, I will continue to attempt to give shape, form, definition, and hopefully clarity to what I come in contact with...

Signals from Within

Feelings of hunger, signaled from within, keep me coming back, so that I may fulfill my need for nourishment...

Knowing what I find deeply nourishing and delicious, keeps me coming back to the honey holes I have discovered over this lifetime...

Each Morning Sun

In nature, each morning sun, every beginning of the day, represents another opportunity to grow just a little more for all living things...

Invisible Borders?

Historically, as humans ventured off to new land along the spherical mass we call Earth (in English), new languages would sprout up, as if to demarcate this new area of land with a kind of invisible border. Even if from a similar or same origin, the neighboring area suddenly gains a slightly different shade or tone via the use of different of words/sounds/symbols. The physical or mental experiences might be the same or similar, but a different set of representations are being used.

Each area of land had its unique set of characteristics, and ultimately different forms of expression arose in the form of shared ways of doing things, foods, customs, ritual, unique regional words, etc. Physical adaptations to the environment also took place, creating a wider palette of representation of the human experience.

And within the invisible borders of language there are further demarcations. Language itself can reflect regional differences through accents. Language can reflect areas of interests via jargon and terminology used to explore and express an area. Language might also reflect socioeconomic status or even levels of education... it might also reflect subculture... Language might also reflect underlying differences in psychic priorities, by consistent focus and use of groupings of words within a language.

Rooting deeper into a spot or territory, while creating opportunities for growth in an area, it also creates unknowns and blind spots. The most basic primitive animal question will arise with what we perceive to be different or unknown to us: "Friend or Foe?"  Our continued survival demands we consistently ask the question over and over again.  Encoding within genes also seems to have its own agenda of "Friend or Foe towards long-term survival", thus we might have unknown forces encouraging us to act in one way or another.

Our territory identity markers make it easier to identify that "we're safe" or that "we belong"... but the same distinction creates the alternate view "you might not be safe" and "you belong elsewhere. A lot of the drama that continues to unfold is a result of this dynamic....

Okay... i don't know where this is going, so I will end this babble... while contemplating the end of the Tower of Babel.

The Path of Most Fulfilling Resistance?

To me it seems as if each individual mind has a path of "most fulfilling resistance." Each mind has their own Sun which they gravitate towards, forming and deepening roots... and penetrating through earth and sometimes rock, which another mind might not pass through. It's like each mind has it's own territory with it's own gravitational pull, tending to pull in some elements over others, with a direction towards growth through deepening and expansion.

The common advice given is to "go outside of one's comfort zone"... but I think the path to growth still relies on residing within what is still fulfilling to one's own mind/brain/soul/etc. There exists challenge and resistance within each way of being. An egg or a seed has its own casing or shell that must be broken through to reach the next stage. Along the river path will be twists, turns, and obstacles, eventually leading to the ocean. I think it's possible that each individual has their own True North.... their own compass to follow which will provide plenty of opportunities for challenge along the way.

The Stem Cell Psyche?

Stem cells are cells that can differentiate and develop in many directions. A cell can only fully fulfill its potential by changing and playing a role in a larger system.... Cells, Tissues, Organs, Systems...

I've read in a typology book by Lenore Thomson that the psyche is similar. It is full of raw potential... but a psyche, when forming, takes on a direction, leaving some possibilities behind. Assuming that the psyche is analogous to stem cells, that means for a psyche to fulfill its potential, it has to take on a role in a larger system. It has to fully be what it is in order to contribute, while still being integrated and part of the larger overall system.

The psyche is also seems to be like a plant... needing specific nutrients or even climates in order to really blossom and fruit... There are many variables in the system(s) contributing to the direction the psyche takes: The system that the psyche is part of... Other systems that the psyche interacts with... There exists a multitude of factors influencing outcomes... But the overall goal remains the same: To differentiate, grow, develop, and contribute to a larger system while maintaining its own integrity. If time were a kind of system, then perhaps part of the role of a psyche is to be part of a long lineage of slow change throughout time by leaving traces behind, by leaving legacy, fruit, flowers... contributing to the living story and narrative we call life.

Projecting My Experiences onto the Outer World

Every part of my experience etched into my being
Light surface markings from the color and texture of everyday life
Deep penetrating fissures blasted from the rarest meteors from heavens
Water continuously ebbing, flowing, twisting, and turning
Coming and going, rushing and slowing, flooding and fading
Creating a webbed network leading to an inner Ocean Core
Time continuously sheering away until majestic canyons made apparent
Until deepest veins revealed, leading to the motherlode: the gold within
All shaping a sculpture always projected onto the outer world
My vision, my being, my knowing, and my understanding...
Light and shadow combined to paint pictures, to play musical scores
Forming a composition only revealed through time
A composition in need of constant deciphering
Questions of belonging and identity:
What narratives belong to me?
What narratives belong to others?
What parts are uniquely mine?
What parts are uniquely theirs?
What parts belong to our shared human heritage?
What belongs to our shared human experience?
And finally, What belongs to the all, the universal?

Walking Where the Wind Blows

I often walk where the wind blows
Creating footsteps
That no one will ever see...

Opening and Closing Doors

The world encroaches upon me and I try to close as many doors as possible
Or
Does the inner world threaten to suck me in and I try to open as many doors possible?

Etched though Time

My INFP Perspective:
Life experience has been etched onto my face, onto my body, into my being...
Presenting paths and highlighting patterns of behavior...
While offering up opportunities for changes in consciousness
To drift and explore deeper into the dark...
(into what many would label as "ugly", "negative", "bad")
To fly high and bask in the awesomeness of the sublime...
(into what many would label as "beautiful", "positive", "good")
All with the Ultimate Hope of finding a way to contribute
In a way that feels Personally significant, meaningful, and fulfilling

The King

Buried beneath hallowed ground
Felt but not seen
Honored but not claimed
Reverence for that which is more mysterious
And more powerful than any one can imagine

Impolite Politeness

So called politeness is often balanced out by harsh demands. Please and Thank You are sometimes nothing more than words...