Fear: The First and Final Frontier

Fear...
The first and final frontier...
The thing that tells me I want to be alive...
That I thirst to continue on this thing called life...

And yet it's a feeling I wish to avoid...
A confusing space...
A space I often wish to be relieved of...
A place I wish to run from...

Different parts of my brain getting crossed up during the journey
One part wishing to preserve life...
Another part confused, thinking it wants to avoid life...
But another part knowing that what is wanted is a fulfilled life

One that brings peace of mind
Peace of heart
And peace of soul

When People remind me of Myself

When people remind me of myself... I'm often not surprised by their actions... even if others might be...

Some stars in the night sky... the ones I really admire, wishing to be more like... I feel sorrow when their light suddenly goes dim... and yet I also hope that their light somehow found some relief from all the surrounding dark...

In Search of Medicine

I have recently concluded that I think my overall narrative or theme is that of "trying to feel good" or "trying to feel as good as possible"... It's like I'm always in search of medicine... whether in the form of music, photography, connections, fulfillment of curiosity... I'm in search of medicine for my heart, mind, and body...

A Mindset I keep trying to hone in on

There is this mindset, one free of fear and self-consciousness.... one free of the concept of "success and failure"... that I keep trying to hone in on. It's one of engagement, exploration, play, and fulfillment of my own curiosity... And yet when I keep thinking of "authority figures", I can't help but fall back into a mindset based on fear, approval, and reassurance from others that I'm doing something "the right way." I know it's not really "the right way" but the way other's might want it to be done... Or maybe those others just preach that something "ought to be done" a certain way because it is what was instilled into them during the learning process. And behind the "ought to be done" a certain way there exists some kind of fear of punishment... rejection... something that feels threatening on a deep level.

Perhaps at its core... what I'm really hoping for is a mindset where I'm okay to both live and die... freedom from the fear and anxiety... The comfort that comes from a harmonious state of being... But then again, perhaps my own desire for comfort hinders the process of reaching the mindset itself... Hmmm...

Our Current Level of Skill

No matter who we are, we are always working within our current level of skill. Our skill sets also involve our skillful dealing with our varying emotional, mental, and physical states, each shifting from time to time, each presenting a different challenge.

Perhaps the idea of "doing our best", which implies there is a state of "not doing our best" is a misnomer. For every given moment and situation, we actually are already doing our best based on how skillful we are for the given circumstances. We may have flashes of brilliance, but often times those only give us glimpses of where we are trying to get to.

Every situation, every encounter where our skill sets are challenged, no matter the outcome, are constant opportunities for learning... And within learning there also exists a sub-skill set of "learning to learn".

Also interesting to note, we are often judging ourselves and others for "not doing their best"... When in fact we were actually doing our best, but were unskillful for that particular situation, and we feel sorrowful that we could not get the outcome we desired, or the outcome that others desired. Judgment in the form of punishment often creates tension, which hinders relaxation, which hinders the learning process, slowing the process of learning how to get desired outcomes... With all of that said, learning to adopt a mindset that fosters learning is also a skill to be developed... There is judgment involved in all actions taken, but perhaps it's better to use judgment to label an outcome as desired or undesired.

The Ugliest of Raw Materials

I find it strange that it's often out of the ugliest of raw materials that beauty is created. Somehow honoring the experience of the most challenging parts of our humanity, there's beauty in that expression, in that acknowledgement.

Aspirations and Role Models

I find myself aspiring to some kind of frame of mind, a way of being... that is both receptive, yet influential. I catch myself in awe of people, admiring qualities I wish I had in myself.

Those I greatly admire, it feels like there's a generosity of spirit, and a kind of grace they exhibit. They are humble, yet have a kind of relaxed self-assured quality to them. There's a quality of support, of being a good teammate... a feeling of "we're all in this together." There's a quality of simultaneous learning and teaching, participating in a cycle that helps to nourish, replenish, and renew... There's a feeling of expansiveness to it all... a welcoming receptive expansiveness...

Why Are There So Many Human Languages?

Today as I walked with my dog, I overheard two people conversing... and I suddenly wondered "Why do we have so many languages?" We as humans have many different sounds to convey the same or similar ideas or experiences. Sharing a common language is often a kind of group identifier and creates boundary conditions via comprehension. There is even language within language-terminology, jargon, etc-that often signifies areas of interest or focus. Perhaps that's what language is at its core? An identifier of group or territory? Yet beneath all the different sounds or mediums to convey ideas, there still exists the common human experience of trying to live as best as we know how, trying to survive, grow, evolve, cope with the experience of living...

Association via Geographical Location

As a human, there's a good chance that one will form associations or affiliations based on one's geographical location... Being born and raised in one locale creates group ties we often don't even question, as they are ingrained early on, creating a host of assumptions, practices, etc.... Being born again by landing in a new foreign land sometimes also has the same effect, attempting to assimilate with the current group majority.

I am a Los Angeles Laker fan... This is because I grew up in Southern California, cheering for who I saw on TV, cheering for who my parents cheered for... I am still a fan...

If by happenstance I were born and raised in another location, it's very likely I'd have another set of affiliations I identify with. Maybe I'd associate with a team I currently consider a rival... Maybe I would associate with a group I currently consider "an enemy"... Maybe the group I currently consider to be "the good guys", the group I currently associate with, maybe I would consider my current group to be "the enemy"... Very rarely does anyone want to consider themselves to be the "bad guys" the "people in the wrong".  So often Truth is whatever current perspective or narrative or affiliation we currently adopt. It feels better to "be right", "to be good", "to be the chosen ones", etc, etc...

Opportunities that arise from Fear?

There are opportunities that arise from the experience of Fear...

One that I know of is Courage: When we're able to come closer to that which we fear, it's often an act of courage. Coming closer allows for something new to arise out of the situation. There is opportunity to shine light on the dark.

The darker side that often arises out of fear is that of distancing. Fear is often related to those things which we know little of, and distance only serves to increase such fears even further. At times distance does help to create safety... but sometimes fear manifests as increased potential for violence: physical violence where we're more willing to kill another being (out of our own fear of being killed)... psychological violence, where we no longer give other beings equal consideration (we belittle their existence, as we strongly cling to our own existence), we stop hearing the life inside other beings, their own wants, desires... their fears, their hopes... And in a strange twist of fate, that which we fear often comes closer to us the moment we choose to engage in violence out of fear: we plant seeds of fear in others, who will now also be willing to engage in acts of violence towards those they fear.

Group Narratives

Typically as social beings we feel safety in a group... And to remain part of a perceived group, an individual must maintain the group narrative, otherwise the individual risks being ousted or outcast... A danger to our psyche as social beings.

Each group narrative becomes its own religion... the narrative like a god to be worshipped... to have faith in... to be abided by... The narrative becomes a source of Morality... Those who follow are "Good", while those who don't follow are "Bad" or "Evil."

Group narrative is seen as Truth, and we rejoice when others echo the same narrative, as if it's an assurance of our own correctness... our own "Goodness."

The Eyes and The Heart

The Heart affects what the eyes can see...

Signs and Symbols and Being Born into a Culture Not of My Ancestors

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have imagery and symbols ingrained into my head of people who look like me. What would change in my psyche related to the attached meaning and assumptions connected to those symbols?

As it stands, I have grown up in the U.S. And even if I grew up in my parents' native country, a long colonized by other countries... I might still be missing symbols that are more closely related to culture of my ancestors. When I think of the holidays, my brain automatically thinks of Christmas... I think of a rotund white guy in a red and white suit. When I think of religious symbols, the image of Christ, I see a skinny white guy on the cross. These symbols of redemption and rebirth in my mind are white people. If I think of these symbols as being related to power, then I might automatically associate power with white people.

When choosing to assimilate into a culture, those who do not possess the majority look, face the decision of abandoning many of their own symbols. There is an act of submission so as to not cause further outward conflict. There exists the narrative of trying to prove oneself and one's allegiance. It's like there is integration by death of one's own heritage and culture... a trade in order to try to keep on living physically.

Signs and symbols are often used to try to create a unifying narrative... but sometimes it seems as if they exist to show which culture is in charge.

When I can, I save Bees...

Passing by the backyard pond, when I can, I save bees that have fallen into the water, struggling to swim ashore, trying to avoid drowning in the very thing that offered them nourishment. When I spot them, I scoop them up with the pond skimmer, allowing them to hopefully continue with their contribution that helps to support the life of all of those that rely on flowers, fruits, plants, and the like.

There are times I do kill bugs though... when I feel threatened, I don't hesitate to kill. If an ant bites me, if in a moment of anger, I will kill out of my strong desire for comfort and protection. I've killed ants trying to get into food sources... I will often place my own survival needs before those of ants. And part of me feels sorrowful, knowing that ants, like all living beings, are doing their best to keep living and surviving the best way they know how...

I want to protect life... but I also want to protect my own life... And sometimes it seems those two things come into conflict... All I can do to offer myself some solace when distressed is to tell myself I'm doing the best I can for each given moment... If I were stronger, wiser, more capable... I'd make a different decision... but often I am not...