Flowery Documentation of Experience

I was asking myself why I photograph (or write, or even play music)... and the answer that popped up in my head was "flowery documentation of experience." I believe that's one of my "things" that I'm really into. Flowers flowers everywhere!

Two of My Drugs of Choice: Avoidance and Engagement

So often I feel caught up in a kind of addiction with two seemingly polar actions... Avoidance and Engagement. With avoidance I feel like I struggle and fight, caught up in the strong tumble of a breaking wave... suffocating while wanting to reach the surface, yet somehow strangely attracted to the struggle... a struggle where I constantly think of myself. I'm in constant fear, with questions of identity and worth. Then there's the other kind of action I feel drawn too which requires engagement. There exists a kind of mild bliss from being fully engaged to the point where thoughts of self vanish. Self-consciousness drops away into the background and the spotlight shines brightly only on the direction in which I'm headed. There's a sense of going along for the ride and seeing where it takes me... riding the wave and adjusting my line in accordance with whatever it is comes up, being open and aware... being fully present in one way, but absent in another... I seem to get caught up in each kind of addiction for extended periods of time. I wonder if either has withdrawal effects, creating desire... But since each seems opposed to the other, a kind of longing will be created either way.

Respite

A warm luminescent light within oppressive darkness Reawakening our eyes to that which fills us To that which replenishes Warmth reignited, coursing through our being Remembrance of Joy

Developing an Okayness with Suffering?

I think much of my time is devoted to trying to develop an okayness with suffering using a variety of frameworks... A search for meaning and purpose, with the hope that any kind of discomfort "is worth experiencing" for the sake of some kind of purpose/goal. Or using religious frameworks of surrender and letting go, in hopes of entering into a different state of being where the experience of suffering is something to be sat with until it is changed (with secret hopes of transmutation). Or using quotes like "and this too shall pass" creating patience to wait it out. Or the idea of training and enduring for the sake of a hoped for goal, a kind of quest to reach a different level through one's constant efforts. Or using an experience and channeling the residual energy of it, in order to create something that will perhaps be of benefit to myself or to others... Or to use an experience as the basis for empathy and understanding for others... Lately I've been trying to frame suffering in terms of our animal nature, where many of our instincts drive us in one direction or another, affecting our neurotransmitters. The idea that pleasure or discomfort are a kind of guide toward survival, and that there are going to be experiences of ups and downs because of our chemical systems. Overall, I guess my main strategy of seeking okayness is the desire to make suffering count for something. In this way, I am goal orientated... I want some kind of result... yet still lingering in my thoughts is a fear that there is no purpose... A fear that all of the experience is in vain...