Venturing Into Unknown Territory

Sometimes not knowing what I'm doing, or how to do something turns out okay. This year I tried my hand at composing in a computer program, Musescore... And I was able to create a few things I enjoy despite not really knowing what I'm doing by going at it like an open book adventure with persistence and enthusiasm.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLRoHrY83NadX4rNe9cBnBm6l1x3BOX9h6

Refuge

A feeling of warmth and connection
Stirring throughout my heart
While in the presence of a place
While in the presence of a person
While in the presence of certain persons
Letting me know this is where I long to be
This place I wish to call Home
This place I hope to seek Refuge in
Restoration and renewal

Experiential Living

Experiences both color and reveal my soul...

The Senses

 I like the smell of wonder
The touch of Essence
The taste of desire
The sight of grace, warmth, and love...
The sound of the mysterious and resonant More...
The feeling of being in synch... of being connected... of Oneness and Flow...

The Walk

Walking through the fire
Through the morass of thick blackened smoke
Inch by inch
Each breath no life
Each breath to be endured
Until finally in the clear
For what was hoped for

What is Living For?

What is living for is question I often ponder... I don't know the answer... All I can think of is that living is for the living or those who might live.

The living have the best chance of affecting the living or those who will live.

Eternal Dawn

These moments I have
Here with you
I wish would never end:
The timeless time where I am and Am not.

But the hands continue
To tick and tick
On the other side...
Calling...

And in times where my faith is weak
I fear an eternal dawn

Dream Chasers

How can we tell if we are chasing the dreams of others? Or chasing our own?

Waking Up Next To a Long Love

I'm wondering what the emotion is called... waking up next to a long love... a love that has gone a bit dormant, but continued to lie in wait...

Currently I'm reminded of my love of music. While listening, artists I have really liked and admired in the past, they sound so good to me right now... reaching into my crevices... somehow filling those spaces with feelings of bliss...

Perhaps what I'm trying to describe would be called "a blissful reawakening".

Thanksgiving

Last night my mom added to the Giving in Thanksgiving... The woman ahead of us in the grocery store line was having trouble paying for the items she was buying for Thanksgiving, and she had to choose which items in her cart to put back. When she put back a pumpkin pie, my mom asked how much is the pie, then quickly offered to pay for it if she wanted. I thought it was a really nice random gesture, and I'm happy that I was able to witness the act of generosity.

I myself am thankful to see inspiring acts.

Fortunate Timing

Today I'm thankful for the timing of events as they happened... The time and location of an occurrence seemed fortunate... and I had what I needed in that situation. It's nice when things work out in that manner.

Will The Flames Keep Burning?

Stoking fires
Breathing in
Breathing out
Until fires at their brightest
A culmination of all that has been
And all that will be
Release
Surrender
Will the flames keep burning on their own
Or will they fade out into the distant night?
The answer tells what one wishes to know

What It Feels Like Sometimes

What it feels like within me sometimes...
It feels like I am trying to create life where there is death
It feels like I'm trying to illuminate fires in order to shine
To feel the connecting warmth
And that way I tend to do it...
By engaging in those things I love
By remembering those things I love
By continuing and continuing each time I drift off to sleep...

Shackles of Fear

I wonder what life would be like if one were to gather up enough courage to get past fear. Or what if fear dropped away and there was no need for courage? What would that be like?

How do we gather courage? And how do we let go of fear (if possible)? And what fears are necessary for guiding us or protecting us? How can we tell the difference between types of fear?

Chasing of Ghosts

I chase after ghosts
Who no longer live
As they once were...

In Search of Passion and Love

One aspect of my psyche (that I'm unsure is so great)... I'm constantly chasing after the feeling of engagement, of being totally immersed.... The moments of flow that are full of life. But tides change... so flitting from flower to flower becomes what is consistent: being consistently inconsistent in my efforts and energy and motivation...

I want to be possessed... obsessed. I want energy to course through my being and wash me away. I want the fires to feel stoked... because so often they feel lifeless. Perhaps I am someone who is dead, but always trying to rise...

"To bask, to revel, to live" used to be words I'd describe how I want to be... And simultaneously I feel like I forget what it's like to be that way... How can I remember that? How can I recapture that?

The Genetic Lottery

Initially we're dealt a deck of cards, along with the circumstances that go along with it... And along the way we must figure out how to play our hand as best as we can....

The Initial Discovery of Passionate Energy

I'm sitting here streaming Sam Beam playing some music on Morning Becomes Eclectic... I'm suddenly feeling nostalgic, remembering when I first discovered a passion for music. During that time his music from Iron and Wine inspired and touched me to the point where I wanted to learn how to play/sing some of his music.

I remember feeling overtaken by the energy: obsessed... All I wanted to do was learn how to play guitar. And I remember wanting to play for another...

Torn

So often I feel like my psyche is torn and at war with itself... This happens with a lot of things... But lately what comes to mind is the act of doing things that I consider creative. Part of me thinks it's the most wonderful and fulfilling thing to engage in... Another part of me feels like it's the most useless thing... that it's a waste of time and meaningless. These are energies I'm unsure if I can ever reconcile.

Unfinished Business?

Sometimes I have morbid thoughts of... "If I die today, there are some projects I haven't finished and given to people yet." These thoughts are of little things... mainly my photographic projects not yet done. But it leads me to wonder... Do most people have some kind of unfinished business when they depart? And when we are born, is it possible that we come in with unfinished business... something that we are supposed to realize when we first come into conscious existence?

Presence vs. Absence

To me it seems easy to get used to the presence of those we connect... But getting used to their absence seems difficult. I guess each signify the same thing: the feeling of connection as well as cherishing the connection itself.

Our Last Hen

So today I come home to find out our last hen was caught, likely by a coyote. She was the last survivor of many other attacks on the flock... living a few more years after all her family members were taken by a bobcat. I am thankful for the time shared. There's something wonderful about caring for another intelligent being... creating a connection and familiarity. I guess now she'll no longer have to be by herself, after living amongst so many as a lone survivor...

I imagine the Lonely only get Lonlier

I imagine those who are lonely often act out in ways that only create more of what they do not want... They want to connect, but at times wind up expressing in a way that shows aggression... that shows hostility. They become labeled as "toxic people"... and are offered less and less of the medicine they need: connection. I imagine they're treated like Death itself, where each person wishes to run away.

Memories at really young ages

My mom told me of a story that I don't even remember at all. She told me when she went to pick my sister and I up at the babysitter's place, we were both in corners... My mom saw that I was in a corner all wet. She was so angry she immediately took us out of that situation.

As a memory I don't even recall, I wonder if any of the residuals remain at all? Does it remain floating someone within the conscience?

All and One at the Same Time

The many facets each reflecting their own light... yet part of the same thing

Combining Both Nature and Nurture

It's thought that both nature and nurture influence what we turn out to be like. I randomly thought about biological parents... They contribute to the nature aspect via their genetic material passed down to us... They also contribute to the nurture aspect via their own psychology and how they influences their own behavior: behavior that impacts behavior of those around them.

Other random thought... I wonder if there's any kind of constant that exists somewhere between.

The Drunkenness of Holding on to Anger and Hurt

There's a kind of drunkenness of holding on to anger and hurt... A very tempting drunkenness where one feels justified with one's views and one's actions... justified in being violent or harming others... A desire for others to hurt as well.

Anger, because it is felt so strongly and so viscerally... and it feels so real... makes us feel our "Rightness" is real: That our actions and attitudes are indeed okay.

The strange thing is I find it's so easy to fall into the drunkenness that is so destructive... and at times gets us the opposite of what he hope for or want. When I'm on the bottle, how do I get off?

Perception of Sameness

Because of the tendency to be egocentric in our thinking... It seems it is sometimes better to think that others are like ourselves, since there is a tendency to affirm our own way of being. Though sometimes I wonder about the genuine differences... When genuine differences are not acknowledged, Does that affect an individual's sense of identity? It seems identity works on two different levels... Who we associate with and have commonalities with... And ways in which we are different and unique from others.

Inspiration as a Reminder?

Today I watched some videos I found rather inspirational... As if touching the deepest parts of my own humanity... reminding of that part that exists... A kind of beacon to help me remember and see.

Seeking Out What Will Contribute to Small Increases in Enjoyment

As I reflect on some of my habits... especially my consumption habits... It seems what I seek out are those things that will contribute even just a small increase in enjoyment. When acting or deciding, it's hoped that there will be an increased level of joy, happiness, enjoyment in my life.

When looking for things that seem new, better... Or activities that seem very engaging... I'm hoping for droplets of joy... Which leads me to wonder why I don't seek deluges of joy? Is it some kind of protective mechanism not to expect so much? Or is that just how things work? We work from where our current level is and try to exceed it inch-by-inch.

"I Love You"

Sometimes I contemplate what those words mean... Today I felt it means "I will do my best to contribute to your well-being."

Devotion?

Devotion is a trait I admire in others... the ability to stay the course... So often I wish I were stronger... that I had more will... more courage... or whatever it takes to feel devoted. But sometimes along the course I feel I lose heart... and the intense passion wanes. I float without feeling my internal flame... Often times I wish I could feel the steady glow...

The Words that Continue to Echo and to Resonate

I find it strange that long after we are gone from the physical act of living... that recorded mediums can still echo... they can still resonate... they can still teach... inspire... move.

I've been listening to an instructional audio CD about musical ear training... And I find the voice of the author to be encouraging, familiar, and comfortable... to the point where I keep plugging away, and really enjoying the process. And to know that the author has already passed, yet the voice upon listening feels very immediate and present to me... to me it's a very strange idea: To me he is living, and yet he is also not.

It makes me wonder about the things we leave behind, and how those things continue to live on in some way.

Trying to Capture Beauty

Sometimes beauty is so overwhelming I wish I could capture it and jar it up like fireflies. But I suppose part of the magic of beauty is its fleeting and elusive nature... The in-between before being graced by its presence once more... To wait patiently for the big reveal...

Opportunities of a Physical World

It seems living in a physical material world offers plenty of opportunities to turn toward or away from spirit... spirit we all share in.

Being open to whatever the outcome

There are times when a sense of expectancy and hope can almost get in the way via fear of things not turning out as one wishes... and the fear resulting in paralyzation or not even trying.

I randomly had the idea of using a friend's painting as inspiration to create music... The first two lines came quite easy... But then after that it became a process of trusting whatever happens... happens. The ideas I had I wanted to give up on at one point... because I didn't like what I wrote and because I was unsure of the direction and outcome... But eventually, somehow things worked out in a manner I found satisfactory. I just wonder how I can stay open to whatever the outcome is in the future.

Anyhoo... I am thankful for those who help to keep me excited and filled with enthusiasm... helping me to do things I enjoy.

To Inspire

When light helps others find their own light

The Value of Music to Me

The music that most appeals to me tend to be of the singer songwriter variety. What the music and lyrics offer to me is a sense of understanding... like a kind of empathy. The artist, by their own experience, understood so deeply and intimately that they created a piece of art/music to reflect what is often difficult to express with words alone.

Willingness and the Will?

A funny thing about the words "willingness" and "will"... It seems like the things we are most willing to do require less will. Typically there is less resistance when we are willing... I'd say there's even more enthusiasm, and an element of joy because of something drawing us toward, rather than a force pushing and forcing us along.

At what point are images of ourselves true or untrue?

We tend to try to hold onto images of ourselves in relationship to others. I think images give general impressions of how we contribute to others... how we interact with them. But at the same time each moment and each interaction can be different from the next. So at that point is the image of some generality true? And what happens when so much focus goes into defending images? It seems like a lot of energy to defend something that might not really exist.

Sense of Humor Barometer

I think the presence of my sense of humor in each interaction is an indicator of humanity I still have within me...

The Mental Framework of "Supposed To"

At times when I'm in a judging mental framework involve with thoughts of "supposed to"... I can feel very very neurotic... judging myself that I'm supposed to be This or That rather than where I am at this very moment.

If I could hone my ability to tap into Two Fundamental Emotions

If I could choose which emotions to really tap into... I would choose Joy and Sorrow. These are the connecting emotions that tap into our hopes, our aspirations, our yearnings... They reflect our ability to find fulfillment in this experience we call life. They reflect our shared experience. We celebrate and find joy at dreams and longings fulfilled... We mourn and feel sorrow at the loss of that which fulfilled us (Or at what we hoped would fulfill us).

Paint Brushes of Life

The experience of living is painted with many tones and many colors... All part of the whole...

Litmus Test for The Heart

Do I act from a place of Joy?
Or do I act from a place of Fear?

Do I act from a place of abundance?
Or do I act from a place of scarcity?

Sadly, so often I think I act from a place of fear and scarcity... So part of my heart, the best parts, are held back as if trying to punish or to control.

Tapping into one's own aesthetic sense.

When we tap into our personal aesthetic sense... I wonder what patterns and mysteries it reveals. What story is being told?

Personal Language Heard

Personal language tucked away from full light
Finally unleashed
Receptivity
Melding
Dancing
One

Heart Experience

Every experience of my heart transforms every experience after... every experience coloring the next... until a pool of heart experiences... a kind of language of the heart becomes known...

Ripply Ripples

The nature of the relationship between people, and their actions in relation to each other, create ripples that affect the entire system: The whole web playing new notes, creating new harmonies

Big Goals

Dreams, drives, and aspirations
To constantly attempt to honor these in other beings...
To constantly attempt to honor these within myself...
These are my Big Goals.

Magic & Mystery Flows

Magic and mystery flows through all... How do we continue see these in ourselves and in others? How do we continue to acknowledge and honor the magic and mystery we all share in? How can we continue to remember?

The Many Pots of Gold

As humans it seems as if there are so many sources of influence calling out, offering up their own pots of gold. There are many forces at work attracting us to walk on one path or another... And I wonder at times if there really are any pots of gold: Do pots of gold actually exist?... If so, how can an individual discern where their own pot of gold is? If there are pots of gold, how can one know when if what's being chased has the destination they seek?

"It takes guts"

I'm wondering why we refer to our guts when acting with courage. Is it because it involves going against instincts (within the gut?) to run or avoid a situation? Despite any discomfort in our guts, we go on anyway?

The Music of Life?

When the rhythm of life is combined with harmony and a melodic story line, where there eventually is a Return... Perhaps this is the music of life.

Meaning In Experience

Ultimately I desire to see meaning in experience...
I don't want events/life happenings (especially the most challenging ones) to feel like it was all for nothing.
Even if I must invent a meaning... I don't care. lol.

Goals

To continue to try to soften
To continue to try to listen...
Without all of my own chatter getting in the way.

Play God vs Be God?

I was thinking that perhaps there's a difference between playing God vs being God...

To Be Whole?

Let our light be known. Let our dark be known. And let others do the same.

Parts of Consciousness Bubbling up

There are times when parts of my consciousness... parts of memories that I thought I have forgotten... bubble up, reminding me of desires or needs... And I'm totally caught off guard by the emotional reaction that goes along with the bubbling up.

Tugging At Heart Strings

I feel grateful for all those folks who are able to perform or able to create those things that reach deep and tug at my heart strings.... music that brings such pleasure, enveloping me in a different space.

Soul Food Through Sharing Our Stories

Our stories intertwined we share. And somehow that is nourishing to our being... Our many individual narratives weaved into the fabric of a much larger story we can no longer call just our own.

GEL

Gratitude
Enthusiasm
Love

When things come together in a joyous manner...

Submission for the Sake of Self-Preservation

When dominant personalities armed with cultural and societal expectations... Steamrolling over less dominant personalities... Adaptation and submission for the sake of self-preservation... A loss of knowing self for the sake of attempted survival... Death within.

Inhaling and Exhaling?

Currently I wonder how our mental state affects our breathing...
If I fully accepted and embraced life as it comes, Would I inhale more fully?
If I were open, honest, and courageous in my self-expression, Would I exhale more fully?

Joyful Devotion

Lately I've been contemplating the idea of joyful devotion... It's a frame of mind I would like to engage in, yet I'm unsure how enter such a state...

The words "celebration", "light-heartedness", "gratitude", and "grace" feel like they belong to the idea...

I also think of the experience of steady state running... One foot in front of the other... At times uncomfortable... but continuing to move, trying to find a groove and rhythm... Continually breathing as best as possible... At times reaching a joyous state through movement...

Simple Pleasures

Today while doing some yard work along the backyard pond... I see bird hovering, landing on rocks while singing a song. In rhythmic dancing it dove towards reflections upon the water, and continued to sing it's song. The local duck couple flew in from the sky, landing in the water just ahead of me. Later they would sit atop submerged rocks just to my right, relaxing and grooming themselves in a nice quiet moment. I gaze into the water and see golden orange lines arranged closely together. I appreciate being surrounded these wonderful creatures, sharing in their space.

Remembering My First Blog Entry

My very first blog entry when I started this blog was about being open... about being courageous... being expansive...

For me it feels so easy to forget... it feels easy to harden...
It feels easy to sleep...

What Exactly is Validation?

Sometimes I wonder what validation really is... Does it mean, "Hey, you're doing a good job fulfilling that role"? Does it mean, "You're doing a good job conforming to expectations"?

Does validation affirm? Does it control? Does it make direction clearer? What the heck is it for?

Sucked In

Coexisting Attraction and Repulsion
Creating a spiraling vortex
Drawing in and Spitting out
Over and over again
Racing along contours of infinity...

The Tendency of Like and Dislike

There's a tendency to like people who like us... to value people who value us. There's also a tendency to devalue those who seem to devalue us...

Is there a way to break out of these tendencies?

Do Ego Strokes Change Over Time?

When I was growing up as a kid, it seemed like achievement was my method of gaining ego strokes. I was praised for getting good grades and "for being smart."

Ultimately achievement felt like it lost its luster (luster that was never really there to begin with)...

I think what strokes my ego now are Acts of Inspiration: If another can somehow find inspiration in something I do, then somehow that makes me feel good. I also like to be inspired by others, wishing to be more like them... (wanting to be like those who inspire)

As we blossom, I wonder what forms the basis of our ego stroke spots... And how do we continually find the sources of feel good and fulfillment?

Untenable States of Being

So often I feel like much of my consciousness revolves around trying to cope with what feel like untenable states of being: trying to find ways to resolve the tension within... often turning to writing, music, and spirituality... Hoping to reach the unreachable aches within...

Beyond Self-Worth

Beyond notions of self-worth, of self-love, of self-acceptance
There is Being and Not Being:
Nothing to approve of, or disapprove of
Nothing to accept, or to reject

Candle in the dark

Be still
Burn within the darkness
While uncomfortable,
Running may intensify the flame, making it burn brighter
Or it may unintentionally put it out
So be still
Burn within the darkness
Burn so that the light may be shared
Burn so that the light may be passed on to others

The Wind Takes Me

And the wind takes me
I know not where
My greatest hopes
Involve a heart
strong enough to bear

I float on this breeze of unexpected expectancy
Where I travel, the fates decide
The heavens above
The earth below
And everything in between

Sweet Sorrow

In wonderful sweet sorrow
This pain I feel
I know it's because I have loved...

Tragedy To Me...

The artist who slumbers
Vaulting away the most luminescent of light
That which can pierce into souls
Tapping into wellsprings from which spirits can be uplifted
Quenching the driest of dulled parched lips
Restoring, renewing life itself...

When We Feel the Most Uncomfortable of Emotions

When the most uncomfortable, painful emotions hit us... Sometimes there's an added feeling of guilt for having such feelings, which only adds to our pain: It's as if there's some authority figure telling us it's not okay to feel as we do.

I believe we're pulled towards fulfillment... The feelings themselves are often already painful enough to drive us toward fulfillment if we're able to discern what our needs are. I don't think an extra added whip is necessarily.... Though compassion for our pain, or for our situation, may be useful. And if we feel isolated, remembering others, and having compassion for their suffering can help us feel more plugged in.

The Most Powerful Things?

Things that can reach into our unconscious are likely the most powerful things... tapping into the deepest recesses of our being... And unable to fully control what is happening, forced to go along for the ride.

What Resonates with Me

What resonates with me are people who Inspire Transformation: those who help others to find their own flames.

Scrambled Brain

Current thoughts: Is my brain like a smoothie maker? With a little person inside there, working at Jumbled Juice?

Remembering Home

How do we remember our sense of home, even if at times we feel so far from it?
How do we continue to traverse while numerous challenge are presented to us, remembering where we really want to be?