Power and Influence

Power and Influence:  For a long time, these are things I have wanted in order to help alleviate what I believe to be unnecessary suffering.  For selfish reasons I wanted to help change the diets of my family members.  I wanted them to stick around longer.

Some time during my third or fourth year in undergraduate schooling, I learned that heart disease (the number cause of death due to disease at the time) is something that's totally preventable and even reversible by means of consuming a primarily plant-based diet. This was a revelation at the time for me, and I believed everyone should know. I believed that information was enough to help people, and help people to change their ways in order to prevent heart disease. In my mind I was on a mission to help prevent suffering.

Truthfully I was trying to prevent my own suffering. I dread the loss of loved ones.  I have an aggressive stance against suffering in general, but more specifically suffering due to loss. I was afraid to lose my own parents to heart disease. I was (and still am) afraid of how I would be able to get by if I were to lose any of my parents. So I went on a mission of change. I tried to create meaning in a life where I wasn't sure what the meaning was (I'm still not sure what the meaning of it all is).

The major event to trigger such desire to combat against suffering was the sudden loss of my aunt in 2000. I saw the suffering it created in my family members. I hoped to do anything in my power to prevent such suffering. And the knowledge I had within me, I felt that to be a key in minimizing suffering: I wanted to spread the word. It's like I wanted to preach the gospel.

But through it all, it seemed like the only person I could have any real affect and change upon was (and is) myself. My frustration grew over the years because of my aggressive stance. I want things on my own terms. I want to be the hero in the bigger picture of things. Instead I've found myself to be relatively powerless, inspiring very little change in those around me.

Currently it has gotten to the point in the present day where I question myself. I wonder if I even care about people anymore. The mission I was on was really a means to try to prevent my own emotional suffering. Perhaps suffering is just a part of life, and I should allow people to follow their paths into an insidious oblivion. I'm unsure who I'm really serving in this whole process. Am I self-serving (I believe I am). Or do I really care about the welfare of others (I'm not sure I care as much I as I should).

My mind and heart are in "No-man's land". The person who wanted power and influence to serve himself in a way that's also helpful to others,  I'm unsure what to do with that person. I'm also unsure of what became of that passion inspired person who used to be so driven. I question my role. I guess in the end I still want to be some sort of hero, but I still don't know how to be a hero.

I feel like I've given up, and that perhaps it's better to be nothing at all.