Quenched

Surfeited bodies quenched
Settling in like warm blankets
From one dream into the next

Retreating to the Forge

To retreat into the forge and work on craft... How can I tell when I'm being called to the hearth? Must I ache to be pulled in by force? Do I spend enough time there to fill me up?

Land And Water

On land so much gravity
In water weightless, buoyant, free
To trudge across land
To glide gracefully through water
The heart yearns to be where it belongs

Discerning types of Positivity?

I think there are different types of Positivity. One form is a kind of false positivity, where we wear blinders, "trying to remain positive", while aggressively running away from what we view as negative, since it's somehow a threat to our own comfort. We wage war on negativity, trying to protect ourselves.

I think there's also another form of positivity where we sit naked in the rawness of the moment. We courageously sit with our discomfort and try to sort through our own confusion through inquiry. The more experience we have sitting, perhaps the greater our tolerance, and the greater serenity of mind we have. It's like weightlifting for the heart.

The Effect of Countenance

Today I'm browsing photos, and I came across a few where the people pictures have a look of serenity and peace...  Somehow that look spreads into my being, influencing how I feel. I'm thinking that should be a goal of mine: To work on being more and more peaceful in my own countenance for the sake of all. It's strange what a little physical thing can do.

Tennis Strokes and Playing Guitar

To consciously work from an unconscious place... First attention... Then faith...

The Same Action But from A Different Place

It's very confusing to discern the energy of our actions, the intent behind what we do. I wonder if there's an easy way to determine from what space we're operating from.

Is Reduction of Aggression Part of the Path?

How much does aggression beget more aggression? How much does peace beget more peace?

With so much aggression in the world, how important is it to reduce aggression in oneself? There's hidden aggression towards ourselves when we try "to fix" some aspect of ourselves in an almost punishing kind of way that involves guilt and shame: It's like we lack faith that things kind of progress in a certain direction on their own and in their own time, much like how a baby learns to walk or learns how to talk.

We have aggression towards states of discomfort. We want to blame or lash out or run away from anything or anyone we view as a source of discomfort. We're filled with fear, anger, and aggression towards perceived threats. When dealing with others, there's often a game of tit for tat, getting locked into cycles of aggression. We try to punish in various ways: We try to shame, we try to hurt, we try to withhold. Aggression becomes a tangled mess...

And if we do refrain and use forbearance, how do we know we're not just burying aggression, only for it to fester up later with a different kind of vengeance and force? At what point is an action truly transformative? How do we know we're not just putting walls up or running away in a type of avoidance.

Perhaps the process is something truly individual in that it happens without having to be seen by others? There's no need for some type of reference point. Maybe certain ways of being "just are" on their own. Perhaps when we're working from a different place from within it just is, without the need for any type of audience. Each moment standing on its own.

When Rawness is Exposed

When rawness is exposed, like an open wound, sometimes the discomfort feels like too much. A heightened sensitivity reveals itself, and I'm unsure what to do with that. All I can do it sit with the rawness and hopefully let it open me, maybe even at my core: A kind of reminder of the things I bury.

The Running Turtle

The turtle runs away
It does it's best to hide
The dentist comes out to play
In order to bring darkness to light

Seeking Resonance and Trying to spread feelings of connection VS Seeking validation and ego stroking

I feel I toe the line with trying to create a sense of resonance by some type of shared experience, sharing my writing or photography or whatever... and seeking validation to stroke my ego...

How can I tell which one I'm really engaging in? Is there an ideal balance? And if so, how do I achieve that balance?

At The Heart of The INFP Psyche

I think the heart of the INFP psyche involves honoring the individual experience of another, as well as advocating the honoring of individual experiences. Also while examining those experiences, common experience tends to reveal itself: Like reaching the center of the Earth, the part that touches all.

How I Control People

I set up a perimeter of land mines, forcing people not to cross certain boundaries, as I explode when my hypersensitive areas are touched.... BOOM!!!

The Wrong Road that Heroes take Before Triumph

There's often a false road that heroes take, and I wonder what my false roads are: The roads where we think "if only I were in this place I'd be happy and feel fulfilled." How do we discern our false roads? What is The true and proper path towards fulfillment? Does such a path even exist? Our stories suggest that we like to believe it does... Are there any roads that aren't dead ends?

Spiritual Friends

It's often said that those who help expose our raw spots aren't enemies, but rather they're our friends. So how do we see from this perspective? Rather than seeing from a perspective of self-protection and victimhood? How can we see that everyone we encounter is actually on our side? Whether they're helping us to uncover some of the raw spots, shining light on some of the dark, or helping us up and cheering us on when we're down...

The journey into ourselves is filled with many dragons. How do we gain the trust, fellowship, and wisdom of the dragons?

Rowing the Boat Towards the Light of the Sun

To row the boat towards the light of the sun
we require balance in order to stay on course.
And to move more quickly towards the light,
it's helpful to face our shadow.

The Dance of Trepidation

And they danced
Together hand-in-hand
Yet not completely together
Each with deep internal fears
Each hoping to be seen
Each hoping to be loved without boundaries
Yet the two continued to dance
Arms slightly stiff at one moment
Arms soft in another moment
Eyes closed in one moment
Eyes opened in another
Sometimes seeing the other
Sometimes seeing only themselves
A continual push and pull
Two steps forward
And two steps back
But always running the risk
Of one step forward
And two steps back
Each time giving into fear
Distance increased in increments
Until they can no longer feel
And finally until they can no longer see
Both alone
Both experiencing exactly what they feared
Fear itself the culprit
Destroying so much heavenly potential
The Dance of Trepidation claiming two more victims
Self victims
Self-sabotage
Self-created-prophecy
Death of Love

The Lonely Snowflake

Once upon a time in the coldest winter air, a snowflake was born. This snowflake looked unique and beautiful, like no other snowflake around. The snowflake blew across the sky, hoping to find other snowflakes like itself, yet also wishing to be a special snowflake, one like no other. There was a constant battle within, between wanting to be better than other snowflakes and wanting to find others like itself. The battle was born out of fear: A fear of not being enough, and a fear of not belonging to a group.

The snowflake kept floating and floating in the wind, many cold dark and lonely nights, searching and searching. The snowflake couldn't find anyone like itself, and as a result it felt lonelier and lonelier each coming day and night.

Then one day the Sun cast a light so bright and so intense that the snowflake began to experience what felt like tears rolling down its face. The wind began to finally die down, and the snowflake could finally stop drifting in the wind. The existence it sought, to live high up in heavens, high up in the sky, above everyone else, was coming to an end; Instead, a more earthly existence was nearing as the snowflake gently fell towards the Earth.

As the snowflake began to slowly melt, its unique edges and shapes were no more. It began to look more and more like other snowflakes who were also falling down towards the Earth. This made the snowflake happy: Finally seeing others like itself, it felt a sense of belonging. The snowflake now cried tears of joy, tears which would melt it even further, creating even softer edges. Then it happened: The snowflake settled onto the Earth's surface. It joined the others in a great pure white heap of snow. It finally felt connected and one with the others. Interconnected, a new journey awaited these freshly fallen snowflakes: In the presence of the bright light of the Sun, they would turn into water together, then fly up into the heavens, painting the sky above a brilliant blue for all to see. Some would stay up in the heavens, while others would be summoned to once again to repeat the cycle, once again gracing the Earth with their beautiful powdery presence. The lonely snowflake, along with other snowflakes who felt lonely, were lonely no more. By falling down to the Earth, they found their way up into the heavens.

The Last Leaf

A softly-lit glowing leaf falls to soil beneath branches

Slowly disintegrating and withering away: blackened decay

Until once again assimilated by its Mother: Earth

Transforming until ready for a new journey: Infinity

Nourishing roots, giving strength to the many who proceed

Giant Manta Ray

A black giant manta glides through a peaking wave. Its dark shadowy silhouette traverses through a rolling translucent shimmering tunnel. The hilled fluid mass raises me up upon its ridge, then gently lowers me as it passes by. Water begins to whiten as a tubular cascade begins to roar, creating mist sublimating into heavens above. Water and sea foam journeying towards a final yet not-so-final destination. The mass of energy dissipates and disintegrates along the darkened soaked sandy shoreline. Two worlds collide, borders in flux, seeping into each other. A process of giving and taking, with grains of sand returning to an ocean floor, and droplets of water departing from the great open ocean: An edge that can never be fixed in place. A stasis that can never be. The manta continues to lurk so near yet so far.

Am I really Who I say I Am?

I advertise myself as some kind of compassionate person. But I question it. Sometimes I really don't care, and I'd prefer to block things out. And some of what I do is out of habit, it's not something to be really cognizant about. So as I go through the motions, am I really who I claim to be?

The Root of My Perfectionism?

What is the root of my perfectionism? Is it a fear of being criticized for being less? Is it an aggression towards myself? Is it a lack of trust in what Is?

Power and Influence

Power and Influence:  For a long time, these are things I have wanted in order to help alleviate what I believe to be unnecessary suffering.  For selfish reasons I wanted to help change the diets of my family members.  I wanted them to stick around longer.

Some time during my third or fourth year in undergraduate schooling, I learned that heart disease (the number cause of death due to disease at the time) is something that's totally preventable and even reversible by means of consuming a primarily plant-based diet. This was a revelation at the time for me, and I believed everyone should know. I believed that information was enough to help people, and help people to change their ways in order to prevent heart disease. In my mind I was on a mission to help prevent suffering.

Truthfully I was trying to prevent my own suffering. I dread the loss of loved ones.  I have an aggressive stance against suffering in general, but more specifically suffering due to loss. I was afraid to lose my own parents to heart disease. I was (and still am) afraid of how I would be able to get by if I were to lose any of my parents. So I went on a mission of change. I tried to create meaning in a life where I wasn't sure what the meaning was (I'm still not sure what the meaning of it all is).

The major event to trigger such desire to combat against suffering was the sudden loss of my aunt in 2000. I saw the suffering it created in my family members. I hoped to do anything in my power to prevent such suffering. And the knowledge I had within me, I felt that to be a key in minimizing suffering: I wanted to spread the word. It's like I wanted to preach the gospel.

But through it all, it seemed like the only person I could have any real affect and change upon was (and is) myself. My frustration grew over the years because of my aggressive stance. I want things on my own terms. I want to be the hero in the bigger picture of things. Instead I've found myself to be relatively powerless, inspiring very little change in those around me.

Currently it has gotten to the point in the present day where I question myself. I wonder if I even care about people anymore. The mission I was on was really a means to try to prevent my own emotional suffering. Perhaps suffering is just a part of life, and I should allow people to follow their paths into an insidious oblivion. I'm unsure who I'm really serving in this whole process. Am I self-serving (I believe I am). Or do I really care about the welfare of others (I'm not sure I care as much I as I should).

My mind and heart are in "No-man's land". The person who wanted power and influence to serve himself in a way that's also helpful to others,  I'm unsure what to do with that person. I'm also unsure of what became of that passion inspired person who used to be so driven. I question my role. I guess in the end I still want to be some sort of hero, but I still don't know how to be a hero.

I feel like I've given up, and that perhaps it's better to be nothing at all.

This Life We are Given

What do we do with this precious time we are given? What do we spend it on? In what manner do we spend it? And what are we actually supposed to spend our time on?

I sit here reading of lives cut so short...  And I wonder what's the ideal way to live with this precious resource we have. I wish I knew the answer...  For myself I feel like I take the act of living for granted. I have so much aggression towards the act of living, usually because things don't happen on the terms I want to dictate. With all the surprises and twists, it seems I am afraid to completely feel. Perhaps I don't have faith in my inner strength...

So I sit here wondering "How do we truly live?" I'm not really sure of the answer...