Singing Out Loud

I recall when I was still in elementary school, not wanting to sing out loud in music class.  I don't think it was in my nature as a very quiet kid.  But one day I came back home with a report card that had what I believe to be equivalent to a "C" in music class.  I could sense my mom's anger and disappointment.  So I resolved to sing out louder in music class, somehow thinking that it might help.

And indeed it did help.  My grade improved ever since the act of singing out louder.  And my music teacher enjoyed my voice so much that she'd constantly suggest that I join chorus.  Though as a reserved kid who didn't really like to participate in group activities, or to be on stage, I always refused.  "You really should be in chorus" Mrs. Dunn would tell me.

I often wonder what might have happened if I did join chorus and if I were to develop my instrument back then.  I recall singing with ease.  One of my classmates even told me, "You sound like the record."  I never thought of singing as something difficult before.  Though the years passed by, and my speaking voice changed.  After that the same ease was never there.  And I stopped any type of singing all throughout Junior High and High School.  But then suddenly in College I had a strong desire to sing.  I'm not sure if it's because I wanted the recognition that goes along with recognized talent, or if it was also because of an innate desire to express myself in a way that could stir my insides.  I believe it was some combination of both.

Unfortunately I never found the same ease in singing again.  It's like part of me is forever silenced for a multitude of reasons.  I'm quite self-conscious, unlike before.  Somehow singing started to matter more, as if it were some reflection on me, on my worth.  My voice would feel restricted and tight.  My voice still feels tight.

But now I wonder if I'm able to use my increased consciousness as a means of finding vocal freedom again.  Perhaps I can consciously exercise my instrument with the help of some instructional material, once again finding vocal ease.  Maybe it's time to see if I can sing out loud once again.  If Mrs. Dunn was correct in identifying a potential gift in me, then maybe it's important to honor the gift, if it really does exist within.  This may be another interesting journey to explore.