My Relationship with Water

At an early age I had learned to swim.  By the age of 5 or 6 I already learned to swim in the deep end of our family pool.  Beneath there was peace, an infinite hug.  All was quiet but not quiet, since some sounds seemed amplified.

Fast forward to my teenage years, I loved to go to the lake with my dad.  One of my most favorite things to do was to go fish with him.  I absolutely loved being in that environment.  I've always had a love for bodies of water.

In my college years I would go on to paint the room in my parents' house blue like the ocean, with a dark, almost black, blue sky above.  Adorned on my walls are more ocean imagery:  A tropical sunset, a tropical reef teeming with ocean life, and an islander village with a mountain stream flowing through it.  It's like I re-created my own peaceful ocean of water to surround me, to comfort me.

And in more recent times, water seems to be a consistent theme in many of my dreams.  Water and fish are frequent visitors of mine while in the dream state.  In a short poem I wrote not long ago, I had used crashing water as a way to symbolize my efforts to reach, but come tumbling down: The realm of the sky is only touched by the water of clouds.

A concept of Introversion I had come up with also contained water:  Swimming the depths and exploring a reservoir of water, while deepening it as well.  A concept of equanimity I thought of also has to do with water:  deepening the well so much, that surface perturbations do not disturb overall equanimity.  Another concept of being in the grip, I describe it as a tidal wave that leaves me totally wiped out.  It's a destructive force that can bring new life, as well as destroy life and relationships.

It seems water will continue to be with me in so much that I do...  It's a personal symbol that I should probably learn to more fully embrace, as I swim along with the kraken and monsters of the deep.

The Magic of the Ordinary

After reading a chapter on "The Gift of the Ordinary" in a book, it seemed only fitting that not long after, I'd see the perfect example of such:  A tribute to Huell Howser was being televised  on KCET.  He seemed like a master in finding enthusiasm in many places, including places some might think of as ordinary.  To live with that much enthusiasm seems like a wonderful way to live.

Chasing After Me

The faster I run, the bigger it grows and the faster it gets
I think you're not of me, but you are indeed of me
The two of us are we...

Becoming Zombies

Does that represent what happens when we join in collective group projection, casting others as scapegoats?:  We become these brainless beings who spread virulently, eating the brains of others.  Others try to remain conscious, but it's a rather difficult endeavor, because the mass, the horde is strong.

Unacknowledged Dark

Unacknowledged dark remains dark...

When Others are seen as Objects or Obstacles

When others are seen as objects or obstacles, we use them as a screen for our internal projections.  It looks so real, we fail to see the truth, and we fail to truly see the person as a person.  We're rigid, and we use force instead of receptivity and flexibility...

Seeing Ourselves

When looking at others:  That is me, that is me, that is also me.  That person I feel totally separate from and I feel I can't relate, that is me, but it's the part of me I've pushed away from consciousness.  So yeah... That is me!!!

Forgetting and Remembering

When we self-forget, we remember something else...

The Un-lived Life Within

Yeesh!  The un-lived life within feels so unstable, with it's own energy welling up uncontrollably, creating feelings of inner dissonance.  I find it difficult to sit and stay with all of that instability.  Goodness gracious, those crazy monsters within!!!  "We will eat up your flesh from within! Muahahahahahha!"

At the Heart of Darkness

When two people get caught up looking at themselves and not truly seeing and responding to the other person...  both saying "What about me?"

The Effect of Hubris

I think believing that we can indeed attain some sort of perfection as humans, and trying to own perfection, I think it can create some neuroticism.  I don't think perfection necessarily belongs to us, though at times it might be channeled through us.  But when that happens or comes close to happening, we can't claim ownership.  I think we can say we acted as a medium or a conduit to help the process to unfold, so there's still some distance away from the act.

Non-Material Wealth

Union, Connectedness, Relatedness, Soft amorphous boundaries...  Sharing these things from one's inner wellspring... that is the non-material version of a philanthropist...

Bringing these things into the world using mediums and gestures through clear seeing, this is how we create relatedness, invisible threads that feed an inner bank account.  Interweaving is the work of those that specialize in non-material wealth.

When we try to create boundaries and separation through one-upmanship and scores, attempting to say we are better than and we are separate from the next person, we destroy inner wealth, desecrating something of infinite value...

Trying to Claim God for Oneself

I think trying to claim God for oneself is one of the most dangerous things.  God is accessible to all.  Creating gates is an ego building exercise.

Singing Out Loud

I recall when I was still in elementary school, not wanting to sing out loud in music class.  I don't think it was in my nature as a very quiet kid.  But one day I came back home with a report card that had what I believe to be equivalent to a "C" in music class.  I could sense my mom's anger and disappointment.  So I resolved to sing out louder in music class, somehow thinking that it might help.

And indeed it did help.  My grade improved ever since the act of singing out louder.  And my music teacher enjoyed my voice so much that she'd constantly suggest that I join chorus.  Though as a reserved kid who didn't really like to participate in group activities, or to be on stage, I always refused.  "You really should be in chorus" Mrs. Dunn would tell me.

I often wonder what might have happened if I did join chorus and if I were to develop my instrument back then.  I recall singing with ease.  One of my classmates even told me, "You sound like the record."  I never thought of singing as something difficult before.  Though the years passed by, and my speaking voice changed.  After that the same ease was never there.  And I stopped any type of singing all throughout Junior High and High School.  But then suddenly in College I had a strong desire to sing.  I'm not sure if it's because I wanted the recognition that goes along with recognized talent, or if it was also because of an innate desire to express myself in a way that could stir my insides.  I believe it was some combination of both.

Unfortunately I never found the same ease in singing again.  It's like part of me is forever silenced for a multitude of reasons.  I'm quite self-conscious, unlike before.  Somehow singing started to matter more, as if it were some reflection on me, on my worth.  My voice would feel restricted and tight.  My voice still feels tight.

But now I wonder if I'm able to use my increased consciousness as a means of finding vocal freedom again.  Perhaps I can consciously exercise my instrument with the help of some instructional material, once again finding vocal ease.  Maybe it's time to see if I can sing out loud once again.  If Mrs. Dunn was correct in identifying a potential gift in me, then maybe it's important to honor the gift, if it really does exist within.  This may be another interesting journey to explore.

Knowing of the Words and Truly Knowing and Living the Words

Aaaaah!!!  Why is it so difficult??!?!?!?!  It seems like there are different levels of knowing, and access to that knowing seems to involve many ever changing variables, often from moment to moment.

Validation and Inspiration

Is there ever a point where we no longer need external validation?  And when we no longer need an external source of inspiration: An external muse

Or is the interplay always a necessary component of pushing us forward in some type of direction?

Burning Lungs

This is a sore spot for me... But no matter how many times I ask that a certain item that burns my throat and lungs not be used... For some reason my requests go unheeded.

So I get the pleasure of having to deal with breathing in that which irritates and burns my lungs.  All I can do is get angry... and deal with it...

If I were to Listen to My Heart

If I were to listen to my heart...  It's likely it would tell me to love myself no matter what...

But of course my brain gets in the way and gives me the idea that I have to be certain things in order to be worthy of love.  But the thing is love is beyond worth... It just is...

So WTF! haha.  How come I can't just listen to my heart and just love?  It's so easy for me to give into self-hate, and tell myself I'm supposed to be this or that... Rather than loving the being that I am in each and every moment...

I'm not what I want to be... I'm not what others probably want me to be...  And yet there is something more that exists in the imperfection of it all... The "is-ness" of it all...

Ritual

Ritual is definitely something missing from my life...  I don't necessarily have a sacred space to create sacred space... No altars or shrines exist in my living space.  Perhaps I should create one.

Forces Stronger than Our Will

When dealing with forces stronger than our will, we can only hope to channel such forces in some kind of constructive way.

The Problem with Creativity

For the most part we can't really make a claim on creativity...  A lot of times it kind of just happens...  The only thing we can do is pay attention when it's happening, and then hopefully act upon that.

We pay attention, we cast our line, and wait and wait... hoping to get a nibble...

The Force that Cannot Be Forced

That strange but powerful force that cannot be forced...

What I'm likely looking for

It's likely that I'm looking for people and things that help to inspire and nurture my creativity:  Accessing parts that are more than me...

And if I fall, it's likely I'll fall for someone who serves as a muse...  Though ultimately I probably have to find my own way since part of the journey must be walked alone (but not alone).

When there is No More Fight or Flight Left

When there is no more fight or flight left in us, sometimes a new space opens up revealing something different.

Romance?

When someone offers up their presence, their essence, their being...  There's something magical in the stillness of it all...

Beyond the Outer Shells

When we love we touch upon essence: The thing beyond the outer shell.

A Hole Is Part of The Whole

Emptiness only exists with non-emptiness

So perhaps Non-ego only exists with the presence of ego

The Wheel and The Teeter-Totter

There is movement
Yet there is stillness

Having a Glimpse of Infinite Joy

When one gets a small taste, a glimpse...  But then it's taken away, it's fleeting...  What does one do with that?  How do we react to such an experience?  Temporarily coming to a wonderful home, only to be washed away to sea...

The Buddhist Path as A Trick Question?

There's something funny about the Buddhist path...  Desire is supposed to be one of the roots of suffering...  And there it is: A Path laid out to help end suffering.   But the reason we follow the path is a desire to escape suffering.  That same desire adds to a sense of suffering.

So what if a person doesn't necessarily follow the path and just decides to sit with suffering?

We are Everything and We are Nothing

The qualities we notice most in others are also qualities that exist in us, whether we admit it or not.  In essence we are everything.  Though if we are everything, then maybe there are no labels, and we are nothing. lol

Sports As an Example for The Journey?

In sports we practice, practice, and practice... working on our individual skills... with the hopes that eventually we can let go and just trust in the process...

I wonder if the journey works the same way... We build up consciousness, our identity, our ego, our skill sets... then we let go and trust in the process...

A Possible Way of Knowing We're Projecting Our Shadow

A possible way of knowing we're projecting our shadow comes from two books I have: "Bonds that Make Us Free" and "The Anatomy of Peace."

Last night I was pondering how I can tell if I am indeed projecting.  I also happen to be reading "The Anatomy of Peace."  I woke up with a possible answer, one that was staring me right in the face as I was reading the other night.

When we treats people as objects, as obstacles to the image we try to create, or obstacles to some of our desires... Rather than treating people as a person and truly seeing them, and looking into them...  I think that's when it's likely we're projecting our shadow.

We put value and our self-worth into the image we're trying to create and trying to protect.  But it's a false image and shell of who we are and who others are beneath.

Shadows only exist in the presence of an object and light...  Viewing through the lens of the image we try to create, an image that itself is an object, we begin to see shadows... Our shadow...

Another possible clue is knee jerk reactivity.  With knee jerk reactivity we're not fully conscious of the moment, and we're likely trying to protect the image we try to create.  Only when we're able to stop and pause can the light from grace possibly shine through.  But once again we have to get out of defending our built up images, and we have to truly see others.

Deadbeat

I am the total embodiment of the word...
It's something I absolutely loathe about myself...
I beat myself up about it...
I at times I wish I were indeed dead, that I didn't exist...
To be this useless burden, a total leech...
A deadbeat

Some of my darkest thoughts are related to this...
I totally fail at life...
To be an independent person who can stand on their own...
I'm an eternal child...

The Nature of Dream Characters

If dream characters are actually a manifestation of part of us...  Then it's interesting to encounter a character who engages in an act we find repulsive and disheartening...  A person who will do that type of thing is also Me....  it's just that person is placed in the unconscious world tucked away from the conscious Me.