Outcasts & INFPs?

Tending to individuals...  to outcasts... to misfits...
Is that what INFPs do?
INFPs give those who feel separate someone to relate to?

My Emo Song Friend

Thank you my Emo Song Friend...
You sat by me and allowed me to cry as many tears as I wanted...
You allowed me to feel not-so-alone in the loneliest of times...
I'm so thankful for you, allowing me to emote some of the depths of my being...
Emo Song Friend...  where would I be without you???

"Deserve"

Why does the word "deserve" offend me so much?  I find it offending when people say "Such and such person isn't deserving of my time."  Or "I deserve happiness!"

I seem to associate the word with discrimination... with blame...  with ego...  Only people who are deemed "worthy" can associate with those people who use the word "deserve" quite a bit...

Perhaps my offense stems down to my own feelings of unworthiness...  As if I'm being reminded of my own self-whipping...  The word goes straight to the quick, down to the rawness of it all...  Perhaps I hate the word because deep down, it's what I really want for myself...  I want to feel deserving...  I want to feel like something special...

Guh!  I dunno...  I can't seem to reconcile with the word...  And I'm turned off by those who imply "You don't deserve my time...  You don't deserve my attention...  You don't deserve to be a part of my life."

Good Owies?

There's certain pain that makes me feel connected and human...  Feeling pain when hearing of, or knowing of another's pain...  It wakes me up from the sleep I'm way too prone to...

Embarrassment or Harshness...

"Be with oneself without embarrassment or harshness.  This is the instruction on how to love oneself and one's world."  From Awakening Loving-kindness by Pema Chodron

These simple words seem to be at the core of my own struggle...  So often embarrassed at who I am not... The person I believe I'm supposed to be...  So often I am harsh towards myself, and not truly loving.

Imagine if only I could drop the whips and chains...  What would I be like?  Why is it so hard to change this way of being?  What am I supposed to learn from it?

Light

I've been beating myself up lately for "not being serious enough."  The irony in that thought is that the act of beating oneself up is quite serious...

The word "Light" means and symbolizes so many things...  Every time I go against Lightness in Spirit, I encounter resistance...  Perhaps a lighter way of being is indeed the path to use when tackling the heavier stuff...  In some twisted paradox, the lightness can indeed bring light, can bring joy to a situation...

I notice one of the spiritual leaders I admire most, The Dalai Lama, despite tackling some deep heavy issues, he tends to have a warmth and lightness to his being.  How on Earth does one achieve such lightness in spirit...  A light that can transmute dark...  Lightness that goes beyond resistance...

I seem to have this inner struggle "to be better," yet when I push I find I'm knocked down.  Instinctively I know there's a way of being that feels lighter, that feels more free...

How does one give rise to such spontaneity of spirit?

Idealism and Bravery...

There's a kind of bravery required...
A courage to learn to accept the world as it is...
A patience to have the faith and knowing that the world is unfolding as it needs to...
A strength to bear the pain involved when seeing or reading of things that hurt...

I'm having one of those "ugh" days where my idealism is making me emotionally hurt...
I wish I had the strength and power to open more eyes...
Then the other part of me thinks "Why should I care?"
Reality sets in...  My soul won't allow me not to care, for better or for worse...

So for now I let out deep sighs...
I pray for the best result...
Instead of abandoning my Idealism, instinctively I know I have to go deeper...
I have to find the paradox of a light way of being that's also strong...

Adding to what's already there?

When emotions come up, I find I'm not in control.  No matter what I do, the emotions will come up...

So is it wise to add to what's already going to come up no matter what?
Do I add resistance or fear by trying to run away?
Do I hold on to emotions longer than their life spans are intended to be by indulging/wallowing?
Or Do I give my emotions freedom to live and die as they naturally would?

Regardless of what path I choose, there always exists the need for courage...
A courage to really feel deeply...
A courage to go with the gifts I've been naturally given...
So how does one embrace our natural gifts???

Nostalgia...

I just had one of those moments of tender sighs...  Feeling blessed, feeling thankful for the Unconditional Love I felt as a child, when thinking of my godparents...  It reminds me of the beauty that can be felt in this world...  It reminds me of what I hope to be more like...

Shells

Empty shells that once were me
Lay by the wayside
Like Russian dolls slowly revealing
Until one day naked
Down to the essence of my being...

Though cast aside I still mourn with each breath
To slough is the heart's desire
The yells, the screams, the fire, the raging
Felt, seen, and heard with crescendo
Until encompassed by passionate purple flames...