Why I used to like playing basketball...

I think it's interesting we can like engaging in various activities for very different reasons.  Playing basketball for me was an exercise in concentration more than anything.  It really wasn't about the competition, it was about an attempt to reach a more meditative state, being present in each action.

Lately I have trouble motivating myself to exercise, to work out.  Perhaps if I treat it as an exercise in concentration, I will be able to find the means to get moving again.  I feel I suffer from a split mind... A will that wants to be totally free, and a will that wishes for direction.  If I can find enjoyment in conscientious effort, then perhaps I'll be able to direct my will better...

Courage to Feel

*sigh*  Currently I lack courage to really feel my feelings.  I feel like I'm losing a friend, which causes a chain reaction where there is distance created with anyone connected to said person.  It hurts and I want to run and hide...  But I know there's something to be learned, to be gained from sitting still.  Where does one gather strength to fully feel the rawness?  I'm not very good when it comes to coping with any kind of loss...

Twigs & Twine

Gasping for breaths
That cannot be grasped
Chained to a tree of mere existence
To break free as an elephant can
But fear of what's beyond the fetters

Tangled in a web of lies
Told by the undercurrents of the mind
Windows closing until cocooned
A tomb?  Or a chrysalis?

With each repeated utterance
One begins to believe
Grooves dig in deeper
Self-prophesized manifestations of the mind
Creating a tunnel of light
Or if lucky, creating a tunnel into the dark...

Space

Sigh... I'm so selfish with my space sometimes.  I don't like the feeling of someone tethered to me...  I want my private time, and when it's invaded by uninvited company, I act out passive-aggressively, trying to avoid the person, shutting them out by ignoring that person...  I'm a bit of an a-hole in that way.

And when said tethered person is trying to control me into doing their will, I rebel and act out, being controlled in a different way, since I react.  I'm a slave to my knee-jerk reaction...

I don't know how to be nice in situations where I really want to be left alone...

Reset Button

It feels like traveling creates a kind of reset button...  Brand new schedule...  Brand new place...  Brand new people...  Everything is novel and new...  Everything is fresh...  A new perspective is gained...  The world is such a big place, way beyond the confines of my usually small space...

I can see the appeal of travel, of getting away.  When everything is new, it's difficult not to be in the present moment.  The oncoming influx of input makes it difficult to over-think past or future.

When in need of a Reset Button, go to the novel places... Physically, mentally, and emotionally...  Explore beyond the confines of comfort.

The Leap

So I took the plunge, and hit a wall...  Such is life...  At least I gave it a shot instead of wussing out like usual...  For that, I'm proud of myself...

Give up?

Too often I give up before I truly try...  I out think myself before I even give myself a chance to leap...  How does one get out of our comfort zones, the way so many Motivational Posters speak of?  Fear still gets the best of me...