Impactful Randomness

Sometimes I think there exists underlying impulses within me, just waiting for an opportunity to get out... waiting for a chance to be realized in the material world...

I remember a time when I thought "I'm glad I'm not into photography, as it's a very expensive hobby", observing the hobbies some of my relatives were into. Then one day I randomly find an old film camera, an Olympus Om-1, in my parents' attic. The camera belonged to my sister's ex-husband, and found its way to my parents' attic when, while still a couple, my sister and her then husband moved out of state, and needed a place for their extra stuff.

Out of curiosity I wanted to try it out... but it was an all manual camera, and I wanted to try something safer... trying out another camera that was left behind at my house, one belonging to a cousin of mine. The automated camera didn't work properly, so I went ahead and tried to learn as much as I could about film photography and exposure.

Years later I find myself buying, collecting, and shooting a bunch of film cameras. Somewhere along the line I fell in love with the look and process of shooting with film. The aesthetic appealed to me when I first fell in love, after seeing other people's imagery... There was something about the texture and painterly look that I really liked... And now the aesthetic continues to appeal to me, even when comparing to purely digital images. I experience a sense of stillness when viewing a lot of images that come out of film cameras. I don't know if it's the grain, the texture, or some kind of placebo effect of me believing I'm looking at a film photo... but it's the stimulation I seek in photography: stillness, and what feels like a tangible sense of depth to me.... I want to feel something summoned from within me.

Some time last year, as an attempt at furthering my ear training, I came up with the random idea of copying songs into notation from my Nintendo DS game, Daigasso Band Brothers. I found the free program Musescore online, and started the process of inputing songs from the game into the program. After a short while I got bored doing that and decided to play around with the program... and suddenly I found myself putting together my own songs... I found a new and interesting obsession, and was able to come up with stuff I enjoyed... enjoying both the process, as well as the end product (well... mostly enjoying... The beginning of a song is the easiest and filled with the most enthusiasm, but in the middle of working on a song I can become frustrated or tired of the song, I can become doubtful of what I'm doing, wanting to throw it all away)

My most recent impulse was also ear training related. I was looking for instruments that are helpful for improving intonation, something portable, where I could learn on the go, wherever I am. Searching online, someone on an old message board suggested erhu. I googled erhu and immediately liked it... found some videos online... and somehow that led to me buying an otamatone. Upon playing the Otamatone, I didn't feel completely satisfied... I was looking into erhu again, but eventually decided on violin, since I could buy more locally with less risk in case of damage or not liking it. I self-taught myself violin for about two or three months and made what I think is foundational progress... I still don't know what it will lead to if anything... Observing my patterns, I do know that I'm a seeker of aesthetics and the various feelings that come from indulging in various aesthetics.

Many years ago, my desire for aesthetic stimulation wasn't as conscious or readily apparent to myself. I think perhaps it has always been there but somehow buried... or maybe it developed as a result of random living experiences. For now all I know is that I become obsessive over things that weren't on my radar before... random events revealed some of my inner-thirsts or desires... a thirst for finding what feels fulfilling to me (at least fulfilling for that time period. lol)

The Mystery... Honoring and Acknowledging

The path I continue to walk on... Attempting to honor and acknowledge The Mystery seems to be an ongoing theme... The desire to depict, to jot down those unconscious impulses rising from the imagination... To acknowledge those forces that are stronger than an individual's will. I recall that many years ago I used to often say "volition is not pure"... and somehow I keep revisiting that theme and how it relates to our treatment of ourselves and other people... how it relates to moral judgment or non-judgment... how it relates to coping, to understanding, to acceptance... and to surrender.

In my mind The Mystery... the many forces of the unconscious, while not blatantly obvious or visible... these forces are bigger than any single human individual. I think perhaps all that can be done is try to document or put together a sliver of what is revealed (without trying to grasp or possess)... and if there are forces pushing one to pay attention, then perhaps all one can do is do their best to go along for the ride... I may not be responsible for what arises out of my imagination, but a part of me feels like it's important to somehow let what comes up shine in the material physical world... to share that part of our world...

"What Do You Do?".... "I Do Nothing"

The question of what I do continues to be a source of sorrow for me. I don't do anything that people pay me for. At times I feel like I don't do anything... that it's like I don't exist... that I don't do many things that others value... that I don't really make a significant contribution to this thing we call life. It concerns me greatly that I consume more than I contribute.

But then today I pondered upon my past photographic work I've done... I thought about words I have written... I thought about musical ideas I have tried to write down or play... And I suddenly have a vague sense that "I exist(ed)"

In the moments of pondering if I ask myself what I do... I suppose I attempt to capture fleeting moments, fleeting thoughts, fleeting ideas... And I hope there is somehow meaning behind the fleeting. I seek to capture those moments I find moving, appealing, or somehow significant to me, and hope that what I capture can somehow bottle up the essence of that experience, even if just a little. And somewhere behind all of my actions I secretly hope that what I do is somehow worthwhile, and that it matters... that I actually do contribute something, rather than nothing...

Religion Often Tries to Tame

Religion often tries to tame many of our unconscious impulses...
And yet religion itself is often an unconscious impulse...