Mourning Our Hidden Selves

I woke up early this morning after a dream (a dream I can't recall)... I started to reflect on what has transpired in recent days. I started to reflect on the vulnerable parts I had been shielding and hiding away from myself and from others.  There exists a special sacred space that I often hold for others, but never hold that same space for myself. It's a space of total vulnerability, love, and acceptance that I wish I could hold for myself but do not...

Someone offered me that special sacred space, and I slowly stepped in, allowing myself to talk about so many things in myself that I'm ashamed of, but can never fully access on a very conscious level. I hide those parts away and try to keep them hidden, but they linger underneath the surface. As I reflected upon all of these things I had been ashamed of in myself, and as I reflected upon the person who had so graciously allowed me, or facilitated the process of me stepping into the waters, I slowly began to tear up in one eye. I began thinking of how grateful I am, but then something else surfaced. Suddenly I started to cry more and more until a flood of tears came flowing over both sides of my face. I started to sob, mourning for all of those hidden parts I've been so ashamed of for so many years. Softly while sobbing I uttered the words, "Oh God" as if touching upon something divine. I'm not even a deeply religious person (in the typical sense), and yet I uttered these words. I could feel my face contorting and twisting as I continued to mourn.

All of these parts tucked away for so long, wishing to be loved and accepted, wishing to no longer feel ashamed, wishing for a sense of okayness... now exposed and naked in the presence of someone who strangely is just like me... I have been given the love I give to others, but can't give to myself... And I realize just how beautiful and valuable and powerful that kind of love is...  All of this time I've been offering that to others not fully realizing the value that exists in the act, not fully realizing the value that exists in me.

I have been touched by both beauty and sorrow at the same time, and now I suddenly realize why I love these things so much: It represents the space of Being.