Self-preservation

It seems like so much of my suffering is related to self-preservation...  My aggression, trying to protect something...  My anxiety, created out of fear, also trying to protect something...

I'm catching myself more lately, though I'm unsure how to learn to let go of self-preservation...  How do I truly start to see others?

Consequences of a Punishing Attitude

Punishment comes back to us, when we ourselves adopt a punishing attitude.  We rob ourselves of the opportunity to feel joy when dealing with those we want to punish.  We lose our heart connection towards those people, as we harden, as we attempt to withdraw love.  Trying to control others with a punishing attitude destroys connections...  Love closes off, and our hearts begin to suffocate...

Jaguar Teacher

And my jaguar friend teaches me, grabbing hold of my neck, with every intention of letting go... but not until I myself learn to let go... to relax into it with courage... to accept... so that I may learn to be free.

Cleaning and Chipping Away

Cleaning out the muck and mud before it hardens to concrete-like clay...  Chipping away at parts hardened...  so that life can be restored...  Shatter in order to become supple...

Empty, Raw, Full Of Space.
Crust removed from eyes...

Responses While Asleep

In the dreaming world, many of our responses are automatic until we become lucid.
In the waking world, many of our responses are also automatic, until we become more lucid.

The Game of Life

Sometimes I feel everyone else is playing a game I can't play...

The Answer

It's my strong opinion that the answer isn't punishment...
The Answer is connecting to our hearts.

Infinite Sighs

Infinite Sighs
Never Enough
To soothe this longing ache

The Feeling of Loss

If there's one thing I can never seem to get over, it's the feeling of loss.  I'm so ridiculously hypersensitive to loss.  Lost connections, especially to those I felt connected to, it hurts so much.

One of the things I crave most in life is to connect on some deep level...  When I do find those rare connections, and then lose those connections, it hits me so hard and deep...  i just want to sigh continuously...

And ironically, I'm also crappy at maintaining friendships and connections...  So it's like I set myself up for some of my losses...  It's as if one of the lessons I have to learn to deal with in life is how to deal with painful loss...

So far I still don't know how to deal with it...

Gravity

You are The Moon
I am The Water
I rise but come crashing down...

Contributing to the Collective Unconscious

Contributing to the collective unconscious, thus affecting the whole...
This may be the ultimate value to engage in...

For myself, quietly contributing seems to have some appeal...

The Barrier

I find it often takes much to move me...  That there must be a certain intensity, or something has to be on point or feel intimate before I'm totally moved to act...  Otherwise an impression isn't too lasting.

This same barrier seems to at times enhance intimacy, yet at the same time prevent intimacy...

RIP Pumpkin Rooster and Golden Hen

You'll be missed... I'm thankful for you time here...
The bobcat finally got to you guys, in a surprise attack...

Sunrise... Sunset...

Are these hints of what we seek?  The joining of day and night...  Of above and below...  Resulting in a union that gives birth to a new thing...  We can't help but be moved by the beauty of Sunrises and Sunsets...  The soulful union of opposites...  Deep down, perhaps this is why we are moved...

Junkie

To be moved... To be stirred...  Ultimately this is what I seek...
Whether witnessing beauty emanating from an action of another...  Or the actual beauty radiating from a person...  It could be the connection felt while engaged, while immersed in a piece of art, music, film...

That which stirs the soul...  I am a junkie of such things...  Finding those Moments that Move Me at My Core... That is what I seek...

Introverted Feeling and The Cries of the Soul

So I just watched the documentary "Bully" for the first time last night. I found myself yelling and cursing at so many people... the mean kids, some parents, the principal...  It made me think a lot of my Fi values are actually based on Hidden Rage from personal experiences while younger...  I had flashbacks of when I felt encroached upon by others (a pre-school teacher making an example out of me and all the kids laughing at me, bullied/picked on in junior high and high school, etc)...

Like the kids in the "Bully" documentary, no one stepped up to help me (not even my friends), leading to feelings of disconnect and loneliness.  I theorize Fi (at least in my case) is an attempt to be the person we wished were there, a person to help us, to rescue us from a group following the party line...  Fi is an attempt to be someone who hears the cries of the individual Soul...