The Paradox of Letting Go of the Search for Meaning

Prior to finding out my dad had to undergo open-heart surgery at the end of January, I had a constant search for meaning.  So often I felt empty inside, I had so many nihilistic thoughts, and often felt that sometimes it was better that I didn't exist.

Then a radical change happened.  Being so immersed in fear of losing my dad, I no longer cared if life had no inherent meaning.  All I knew is that I wanted to continue to enjoy the presence of my father.  Moments of living, and being in the presence of loved ones was enough.  I never prayed so hard in my life during that time in the hospital.  So many fears passing through my mind...  All I knew is that I kept hoping for more and more time.

I told myself I didn't ever want to have nihilistic thoughts where I no longer wanted to exist.  I saw the pain in my family's faces, the worry, the concern over possibly losing one of our most cherished bonds. I decided I didn't ever want to be responsible for that.  Ever since that time the emptiness inside was no longer felt.

Suddenly over time clouds began to lift.  Meaning started to happen in more and more moments.  My eyes changed, and will probably continue to change.  I stopped searching on a conscious level, and yet I'm finding more and more.

The Passing

     Slowly they gathered in single-file, all holding unlit candles.  A somber yet joyous procession towards their loved one who lay still in the softly lit casket.  Beside the casket was a thick white candle, lit with a mighty flame.  One by one the mourners lit their candles, joining their unlit wicks with the mighty flame atop the white pillar.

     They began yet another procession; But this time meeting at a new station, a heap of wood piled high like a great pyramid.  Now gathered around in circular fashion with candles in hand,  each bearer of tiny-flame, touched tinder, igniting the heap, in a synchronous wave reminiscent of undulating sea flowers beneath crashing waves.  In communion of light, they all feasted on the growing flame lighting the night sky.  Each now touched by the bright light emerging, they felt the palpable warmth across their skin, penetrating their glowing faces.  A dancing glimmer highlighting each of their eyes, until the memories of the moment burned into their being.  Together they experienced bliss, standing hand in hand, all united as one, by this glowing, growing, yet passing flame.

Mixed Up

The world is filled with so much beauty
Yet it's also filled with dark and blindness
Both bring tears to my eyes...

Light of The Reaper

In the presence of the Reaper
The shadows outline the light we take for granted
Light we fail to see,
Finally focused in a tunnel of light
Dark fog stuffs the air
Every breath now a struggle
Wishing we had seen with clearer eyes
The beauty that had always been around
The Reaper wakes us up
Before he puts us to sleep

The Flame

He saw her from a distance, and suddenly froze, a deer caught in headlights.  His lifeless body suppressing the flames within. The pain of past memory, mixed with the joy of past memory.  She saw him from a distance.  Her face lit up with the glow that he once knew well.  Excitedly she approached him with a beaming smile.  His face turned sullen stone.  He looked down and over his left shoulder, to avert his gaze.  She was visibly shaken, a trickle from the corner of her eyes.  She cried tears because he would no longer acknowledge her.  But in truth, the windows of his eyes would betray the veils he wished to keep.  The painful truth was that his heart had never stopped acknowledging her.  His heart never forgot what he had always felt.

The Boy Who Hid in a Bubble (forgotten entries)

There once was a boy who thought he had a disease.  So he tried to keep himself in a bubble.  Whatever he had, he knew it hurt and that others didn't want it.  So for those who didn't appear to have the disease, he tried his best to hide it from them.  He kept himself tucked away in a clear bubble.  He pretended to act as normal as possible, hoping others would like him.  But because he was so afraid to be found out, he felt very lonely.  Maybe one day he could find others with his affliction, so they could all run and play together.  No one would have to worry or hide since they would all share a common bond.

One day he did indeed find some with his same condition.  But they were afraid the boy would give them more of his germs, thus worsening their own condition.  So the boy felt even more alone than before.

He began to dislike his condition even more.  He began to dislike himself.  He thought the other kids were better off without him, so he avoided contact all together.

But one day while at the park all alone, he was watching the other kids.  They yelled and screamed at a little girl, telling her they didn't want her cooties.  The little girl ran off, and cried by herself under a tree.

The boy approached her and showed her his condition, the very condition he tried to keep hidden from the others.  Her eyes lit up with glee, and she quickly jumped inside of his bubble.  She gave him the biggest hug of all.  She was so happy to meet someone just like herself.  And the boy was happy to meet someone just like himself.

The two would become great friends and share in so much warmth and love.  They would eventually find others who were just like them, but each unique in their own way.  They created an area of the playground where they could all be free, an area to live without their bubbles.  It was a place to breath freely, a place to be alive, to be oneself, and to live without fear.

THE END

Closing In (forgotten entries)

Loneliness covers me
Thick in the air
Suffocating walls around me
Gasping I cannot bear
Suffering in my own grief
Dying by my own despair

Dive (forgotten entries)

Peering over the edge to waters below
A cascade along shimmering rocks
The misty spray cooling his face
It was time to do the unthinkable
Shedding layers adorned
To find light where others believed there was none

Depth of Feeling

Deepen our well
So that surface ripples have less effect on our overall state of being
So that we live in abundance and have more and more to give

Book Lover

An open book, fresh pages never read
Torridly he raced, until a head fed
Clutched by forces, he could not stop
The tension the climax, until the last drop

Containers of Light and Fire

What if we're all containers of light?  What if in some way, we're actually like candles?  We can share warmth.  If our flame is bright enough, we can help brighten others, or even reveal the hidden flames of others.

Sparklers

So long as the sparks are encouraged
The fireworks will light and flow
Leading to much luminescence
And wonderful infectious glow

The Order of Things

A "hater" is a "heart" out of order...

Breaking Through Clouds

As clouds clear, golden rays of light begin to break through...
Light we normally can't see in that way.

Reveal of the Inner Glow

Only in the darkest of dark
Does the Inner Glow
That has always existed within
Begin to reveal itself
So we can truly see

Can Sickness Beget Health?

Maybe there are times it takes major physical sickness in order to finally awaken to spiritual health...

I've Found Something I've Been Looking For

It's strange to be searching for something that's been dangling in front of my face, for quite some time now.  Reading the words of another has materialized what I've actually been searching for this whole time.  I laugh because before I could not fully see.  I constantly chase it and catch glimpses.  I've written about it in the past.  Yet here I am realizing something I've already known, but now experiencing this knowing with fuller intensity.

The Warmth of A Hug

The warmth that radiates from another as we hug, the warmth that penetrates and touches us, serves as a reminder of our true interconnected nature.  In that moment if we're open, notions of boundaries melt. The moment is a temporary reminder of the bliss felt when realizing our true nature.  Cut from the oneness of it all, we long to find our way back.

The Growth of A Nut

In order to fulfill its destiny
Layers must be sloughed off, slowly shed
So that the richness within
Can bloom and sprout